Up with the Sun, Gone with the Wind...

Does anyone know the artist of the song of which I named the title of this blog? Early morning trivia! Well if you get it right I'm going to arrange 7 days & 6 nights at the cozy, all inclusive resort at 2401 Gillham Rd., Kansas City, MO 64108. Your stay might demand you wear a mask depending on the floor your given. Washing your hands is strongly recommended. Can you name the location?

Ha! If I could only get a book deal. I would write, write, write. I'm discovering that I'm not half bad when it comes to writing. I know my grammar and spelling is less than desirable but you can't be perfect. Maybe that's my Wyandotte County Flair. My signature move. Putting words such as "were & we're" in sentences misspelled. One of my other big one is "use & used", keep watching you'll see it. Some slang and sorrow, I gotcha covered.

Well today might be a record. The 5 more minute man raised the bar. (Christian when I try to wake him) This time he hit high, "just 30 more minutes dad", I love it. Not 5, 10, or 12.5, but 30! He got his 30 and if we miss the bus, who cares. I've parked the car in the garage - just in case.

Kaylee finished the chemo last night so we wait to see how long it takes to flush from her system. The IV wasn't taken out due to the meds she's taking to fight her illness. They needed to keep it in to counter certain medication. Not my strong point again. Tammie and Kaylee are quit good with their medical knowledge. I'm impressed with the medical terms, procedures, and milligrams that both my girls know.

I hope Kaylee can release the chemo quickly and our counts allow us to leave. We want to nurse our child at home. The hospital was so full that we had to take a room in the transplant room. We try not to be superstitious but we want out of the transplant side of the cancer unit. It is an erie place. The nurses wear protective gear when they enter most rooms. The doors remain closed and deep illness fills the halls. I assume not to cross that bridge until we have, if we ever have to. So say a prayer for a child named Kaylee Marie Quijas, and hopefully the big man upstairs will give the green light to go home!

Angela Sellers...

I'm going to wear you out. I have time on my hands as I sit here at the hospital and I'm going to write and pass my time. So if you're bored and have time I'll make you feel better about your life.

Kaylee is having major discomfort from an IV in her arm. It is burning and it hurts. I'm useless here. I'm not equipped to comfort. I've said it and I realize it. I wish I brought a blanket of relief as I walked into the room but I don't. I can talk a problem out like no other but fevers and pain is not my game. I'm sorry.

Kaylee has about 4 1/2 - 5 hours left of chemo. We can take the IV out when we finish our medication. Her little arm hurts and I can't do anything. Not so fun when you're a parent. I am the type that likes to get in your face and talk about the problems. Usually it's a good thing but these days it's not worth a dime. Kaylee's problems are real and they hurt. No amount of talking is helping. I think my talent will come into play some day but not today.

Kaylee is sleeping and I'm writing. I am bored. I wish I could stroll with Kaylee around the hospital but she is sick. She is sick much quicker then usual. Tammie said she got sick about an hour into her chemo. We usually go for a day before we get sick. It wasn't so this time. Sick, sick, sick.

I'll tell you something most people don't know about me. I have a niece that grew up with me as my sister. She is eight years younger then me. Her name is Angela Sellers. She is my sister and I love her as my sister. Angela has a disease called Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease. This disease attacks the muscular development and falls under the category of Muscular Dystrophy. Ang was diagnosed as a child. I remember the day we received the news. It would be a life long battle, as it would eat away the muscles in my Angela's arms and legs.

Angela has been fighting this her whole life. She has worn leg braces since she started walking and it slowly took over her hands. This was painful for me as a child. I wanted her to fit in like me and Kelly. She was handed adversity right out of the gate. I couldn't help her and it hurt me. But I was blessed as it taught me about disabilities, fight, and perseverance.

This fight Kaylee is fighting is hard and brings back painful memories that I tucked away as a kid. I always wanted Angela to fit in, and she did. It took time but she found her friends and has a wonderful life. She graduated college at Long Beach State and then received her Masters. Angela has a wonderful boyfriend named Mike Ortiz. They live in Los Angeles and have a beautiful life. Angela works in a field/profession that lets her utilize her degree. She is happy and a productive member of society.

Kaylee will be healthy and back to her routine in no time. It is difficult to explain the emotions I feel from my childhood. I just want Kaylee to fit in. If she doesn't want to fit in, I want it to be her decision. I don't want disease and sickness to dictate her schedule, friends, or future. I just want to fit in. Those non-conformists might say how dare him, but I want to be able to decide our look, our events, and our schedule. So much planning and preparation has to go into our days. I'm so over it. I've had enough pain in my life that I sometimes say "Not again!"

Well I'll let you go. Have fun for me and Kaylee.

Unexpected Detours...

I'm sitting in the hospital. The good old fourth floor. I never thought that I would be a regular on the fourth floor of Children's Mercy Hospital. This moment in time will come and go but it will be remembered for a life time. There are times in life that we can go back and remember our first day on the job, a whirl wind romance, or a new place to live. The common thread with each of those is the unfamiliar day. Something different. A new routine. Each has a memorable element to it. Once these things become routine, they become old news. I'm not sure this will be routine or old news.

This is new and old at the same time. It has a traumatic taste to it so it has us on the edge of our seats. We are up then down. Our days can go into a tailspin, or soar high. As I sit here and watch my child struggle it never gets easier. The dry lips, bald scalp, and deep medicated sleep are a strong reminder that we have sickness at our steps.

Today I looked at Kaylee and then I looked at Tammie and told her that I would have never predicted that we would be sitting next to our beautiful daughter as she fights for her health. If you would of told me that we would be hairless at fifteen and eighteen pounds light, I would have lost it. I sometimes lose it when I think about the pain it has on Kaylee. I use to think about the pain it would have on me, but now that it is our reality, it has nothing to do with me. The hurtful thing is Kaylee.

Unexpected detours have emerged. We are traveling the road to recovery. Its amazing how resilient the human body and spirit is. We were blind sided but we have managed to get to our feet. Our steps have slowed but I expect to be jogging through life again. If you are ever hit with a condition or with bad news, remember that the shock only lasts a short time. It's what you do and how you respond that is most important. We are sitting next to our little girl as she takes this detour, we didn't pick this road but we'll navigate through it as a family.

Monkey on the back...

Good morning. It is 6:00 AM and I am doing school duty with Christian. I wake him, he showers, and off to school he goes. Simple. But he never wakes up when I get him up. Five more minutes, ten more minutes. Well we're fine this morning because I'm wide awake. I went to sleep early and I feel good. So there is no mistakes I'm making this morning. Sometimes I fall a sleep, Tammie calls and I'm in trouble because we have 5 minutes before the bus arrives. But not this morning.

I wanted to stay at the hospital last night but Kaylee said "NO". She feels more comfortable when Tammie is with her. I have my niche. I'm the fun one. Concerts and movies. For a comfortable house or for chemo call Tammie. I'm so lucky to have the other part of a team that can deliver comfort. Kaylee needs to be comfortable.

I can't begin to tell you how draining the hospital is. It's not just draining to me but for Kaylee as well. Yesterday her spirit drifted quickly. Her eyes and demeanor shifted immediately. She went from the happy out of the hospital young lady to the "we're here again kid" Such a painful thing to watch that transition. We have had such a good month without the poison.

The eyes are a gauge. I can look at Kaylee and tell how much this ordeal is weighing on her. She cried yesterday because no one comes to visit. She is fifteen and has to endure this alone. No friends to really count on. That doesn't mean she doesn't have friends. It just means she has to do this by herself because it is an internal battle. We won't leave her side, but I can't take the load. It is Kaylee and all we can do is make it as easy as possible. They say life goes on, and it does.


Again I'm very emotional when it comes to people. Well it is very hard now because it's my kid and I see the dynamics and the events unfolding daily & weekly. Kaylee is sick and she is fighting this with her family. Friends text and call but they are standing clear for us. They don't want to get in the way as we fight. But it is hard because Kaylee is fifteen and wants to live like a fifteen year old. We'll know shortly what our days will be like. Hopefully Kaylee will back into a normal schedule, and we can get that monkey off our back. Lets get this girl back to her friends and her routine.

I've been waiting for the chance to write about hair loss. The hair loss and more importantly, the human spirit and fortitude. I am very emotional.

Tough On Everyone...

We just moved into our room. It took almost nine hours for the move. We sat in a room for hours waiting on our fourth floor check in. When the move orders came in we walked over with another family. Their little four year old girl was diagnosed today with leukemia. Four years old. She was laughs and giggles. Smiling from ear to ear. She doesn't know the torturous treatments that lay ahead. Her parents looked tired but in reality they've been hit hard today.

Newly diagnosed families are easy to pick out. They have every relative with them. Extended family comes to the side of the newly diagnosed. It brings back memories. Those first 30 days are blurry. I think it is the first few days that are very confusing. Then it settles and you find yourself trying to educate yourself about the battle that lays ahead. Then it starts to bring a routine for the sickness. Then you get into cancer mode. You start to realize that you are fighting that thing, that word that scares you - CANCER.

Tonight is hard. Kaylee is not in a good mood. She is short and borderline mean. I don't blame her. I get stressed about the check in, but can you imagine her feelings. She has to get poked and injected with poison for 5-7 days. Her appetite disappears and her health takes a hit. It is bad. So I understand. But separating the fact that she is sick and nasty is hard. I love her and I'll let her vent.

Tammie went home to pick up Christian. He is coming to the hospital to spend time with Kaylee. We usually do different shifts. I'll relieve Tammie in the morning and she does the nights. I get Christian off to school and Tammie is there at home when he gets off school. It's hard. Kaylee feels like there's always one person with her instead of the family. We dodge between who's here and who's there. Hospitalization is tough. Tough on everyone. But then again we are blessed that we can spend time and rotate schedules in a way that works for us. We are blessed. If Kaylee doesn't start acting nice, I might name my next blog "How to spank leukemia out of your child" Just playing!

Waiting on a room...

We made the cut today. Our blood levels worked out and we are in the hospital. There is a shortage of rooms so we're waiting in the clinic for a room. They say it might be a while. So we sit and wait.

It has been a long time since we've been admitted. This visit is different. I'm not as anxious as before. The break may have been helpful for all of us. Rest for Kaylee. A break from worry for me. Tammie got a break as well. Christian had his family for three weeks.

Well we're waiting, and I'm at a loss for words. I'll talk to you later.

MQ

Walking with dad...

I wanted to tell you about Kaylee. I've been writing about me and forgot to mention my daughter. We have been home and healthy for three weeks. Kaylee keeps getting sent home because our numbers don't add up. White blood cells, platelets, and ANC counts have to be perfect or they won't administer the Methotrexate. Again, I'm throwing out medical terms and I caution you to not perform surgery off my terms and techniques. I might be wrong with the names, but I'm trying to provide a visual and might be butchering the fancy chemo terms.

We check into the hospital at 10:00 AM this morning and we'll give it another shot. I wanted to give an update. I also named this blog in reference to the grocery store. My child is fifteen and makes it to the store with me weekly, sometimes daily. She sees her friends and schoolmates. Kaylee is with me when she's supposed to be with her girlfriends. She says hi to the workers and friends, and I'm sure she'd rather be running in for poster board or soy sauce.

Our situation is what it is. I'm glad Kaylee has a dad to walk with. I'm glad to have a beautiful daughter named Kaylee. I'm glad the last fifteen years of my life has been spent with my family. We've struggled at times but I've always had my family to push me and make me want to be a better man. I can't wait until Kaylee is out with the friends and I'm a distant memory. But for now she has me and I'll walk where ever she wants. The mall, the Price Chopper, or the hospital.

Surreal...

I had to go to Children's Mercy Hospital today for a prescription. I went to the fourth floor, 4-H. There I waited for the doctor to arrive so she could give me my script. While I'm there I take in the surroundings. There are bald children in slippers walking the hall. There are nurses and doctors walking from room to room. Then there's a young girl in the play room, she is balding. She sports a cap, but I can see the thin hair. Her mother is sitting at a table and it looks like they're doing crafts. I haven't seen this child before, and with the thinning hair I suspect she is a new patient.

This view and this scene is what you would see in a Hollywood movie. It is a scene I'd prefer to be excluded from. But I can't so I take it in as spectator today. We don't check in til tomorrow. So my visit to 4-H is tense free and worry free. I'm at ease and more observant then usual.

I look and can't believe that I'm here and part of this. I had a talk with the doctor and head nurse. I told them about my observations. We all agreed that you have to find the good in your situation. I'm sure there's those who get bitter and mean. Those who collapse. Although I write like I'm about to collapse, I'm alright. I've been hit with an over-whelming sense of love for my family. I truly care for people more then I did five months ago. I know that we all fight battles on some level but I'm looking at my battle as personal growth. I 'm more aware of the word and the definition of "today".

We have to enjoy today. I have to be thankful and grateful for each day. I never want to end the day with regrets. If I have to go to CMH then I want to feel like I'm blessed to see so many beautiful children fighting their battle. I'm part of the life and healing that takes place on the 4th floor. I can look at it as a bad thing or an enriching thing. I'm going to thank God for the opportunity to see life from an angle that most won't. You can have lemons or you can have lemonade. I'm thirsty, so I'll have a nice cold glass of lemonade.

11/26/07 - 5:30 PM

We received a phone call tonight that hurt. Rachel Boyce (Rachel Rand) called tonight to let us know that her mother, Elaine Cropper, passed away from complications related to her breast cancer. Her fight ended sometime around 5:30 PM tonight. We've known Rachel since high school. We all grew up together, and we were great friends with Elaine. The news was hurtful and painful but I felt relief for Elaine. No more hurting and no more sickness.


I feel for Rachel and her family. It can't imagine the pain associated with their loss. I said a prayer for their family as we drove off from the house. I always feel so much hurt when I think about the sadness. The sadness of the first night must be paralysing. How it would feel like a nightmare when you wake in the morning, if you sleep at all.


Well I was just checking in since it seems like weeks since I've written anything. If you need me I'll be in the hospital starting Wednesday. I know many of you might know Rachel, so if you want to send her a message, her email address is rachel@cropperenterprises.com‎ . We'll talk soon.

Position Yourself...

Dreams are like fingerprints. Everyone has one, but each are different. Dreams are also multi-level. I have dreams for myself, and I also have dreams for those that I love. I have dreams for family and I have dreams for friends. They say that life ends when you stop dreaming.

I have dreams for my kids. I want them to be productive members of society. I want them to live life and enjoy it. My dreams for them don't include money or career, but peace and happiness. If either wants to be a stay at home parent then more power to them. If they want to pour the energy or sweat into a business then have at it. If one takes their talent to a non-profit for personal satisfaction then I'm happy. I just want my kids to be happy.

Tammie waited tables. She like to wait tables. It bothered me for years that she was content doing the restaurant thing. Then it dawned on me that she liked what she did. If you get dressed in the morning and hate your Fortune 500 Co., that's not living. If you can go to work and enjoy it, then you've got it figured out. Happiness.

I like what I do. I'm not told what is right or wrong. I get to carve my way by trial and error. Scary for most but liberating for me. I've always had Tammie on my side and with confidence. She believes in me. My parents have always had faith in me. They have invested in me time and time again. It is an investment in me so I can reach my dreams. That's what my parents have done for me and I'll do the same for my kids.

The guys that work with me, help me achieve my dreams. We are together because we all have a dream. It is a common dream. We want to be the best Digital Signage Company in the country. We want to travel and do business across the country. We want to provide a great living for our families. We are driven by this common goal and dream. We all work well together because we are a support system for each other during our ups and downs. They say no man is an island.

So chase your dreams and position yourself around people that can help you achieve your dreams. If you like what you do and others find fault in it, then choose your company wisely. Be aware that some people don't like to see others succeed. Go with your gut and pursue your dreams, because if you stop dreaming then you'll stop living!

Titans...

The Lee's Summit West boys won their football game today. They upset the Parkway Central boys by a score of 35-0. This pounding produced the State Championship Trophy. Great job guys! This season was mixed with emotions. On one hand it was hard not having Kaylee out there with her team mates. But on the other hand it was so special and therapeutic when we could attend the games. It was a retreat from our home.

We watched the game in my bedroom as our team dominated the field. It was very comfy. It was good family time. It was care-free. We laid around all day. Then sometime around 6:00 PM me and Kaylee went to the Sprint Store. My phone had finally arrived and we got it programed. This took an hour, and then we headed to the local Price Chopper. We spent some great quality time at the store. Kaylee knew some of the clerks at Price Chopper. Kaylee is so sweet to watch when she knows someone. Kaylee knows a lot of people in Lee's Summit.

Well, I'm done writing and I hope everyone has a great night. Way to go Titans!

Pony Tails...

I was looking at a picture of my daughter and her friends. They look so cute. Their sweats, their poses, and their pony tails. If you would have taken the picture a year a go and told me that my child or any of the children would be bald from sickness a year later I would have crumbled.

I guess it goes back to the saying "how do you do it?" Well it isn't planned and it isn't our personal strength but more perseverance. This word is bigger then normal for me but it is - steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.

I watch Kaylee do her thing through all of this and I must say that it is her who shows great strength. Kaylee never complains. She has never said "why me?" The pain is never a topic of conversation for her. The inconvenience is packed away and never spoke of. The sadness doesn't consume her. The discomfort hardly shows. I'm proud to say that she is mine.

If I can make her journey to recovery as comfortable as possible then I've done my job. If I can put Tammie at ease without her having to worry about insignificant issues such as money, then I've done my part. If I can reassure Christian that recovery is well at hand, then I can say I'm DAD. We are new at this and we take it one day at a time, but each day is a day closer to our goal. A goal of pony tails, peacefulness, and health.

Clean Hands and a License...

Happy Thanksgiving. We hope you had a wonderful day and I hope you enjoyed your family. We took it easy all day. A break from our normal Thanksgiving running around. We ate our dinner Monday because of our anticipated hospitalization on Wednesday.


Our blood counts didn't work out Wednesday so we were sent home. My brother-in-laws mother-in-law sent us a dinner last night. Did you get that? That was confusing yet simple to write. This kind woman is Nancy and we are thankful and grateful. She ordered us our own dinner that had all the fixings. Turkey, potatoes, green beans, and some pie.

I was taking my son to St.Louis last night for the State Football Championship that is being played today. We were packed and had the car running about 10:30 PM last night. We had our hotel picked and our route mapped. Then I couldn't find my license. We searched for an hour and couldn't find it. I took it as a sign not to go and we made our way back into the house. Sorry Christian.

I was OK with not leaving last night. It didn't feel right. Something told me not to go, and sure enough I lost my drivers license. Maybe it was nothing but maybe it was something. I'm not into signs but they say you have to be aware of them if they arrive. I was scared of the car breaking down and the extremely cold weather. My biggest disappointment was for Christian. We had breakfast planned and the swimming pool in our sights. But life has different plans sometimes.

When we were getting ready to leave, we were in the drive way and a car pulled in front of the house and snapped a picture. After taking the picture the fancy car drove off. Weird. So I was spooked abit and felt better staying with my girls instead of leaving. Who knows.

Something happens to you mentally when you see first hand how fragile your existence really is. You appreciate the team a little more. I think people rally for you when something like sickness or death hits the family. It is devastation. But at the end of the day, family and friends have to go back to their reality and leave you with the situation at hand. You're on your own.


Our Holidays are usually uneventful. I'd have problems telling you anything about 2, 5, or 7 years ago. But this one will be remembered for some time. I woke this morning and went downstairs to take care of our animals and thought how comfortable yesterday was. We didn't have to run, me and Tammie didn't argue about who's house we were going to go to first and for how long, and we didn't care if the turkey was moist or not. We are back to the fight and back to the fact that you have to have clean hands and a clean bill of health if you want to enter this house!

Catch and Release...

We were released. Kay's counts didn't add up again and we were discharged. I'm not sure what I feel. Happiness is one emotion but discouragement is the other. We will take a day home on Thanksgiving any time but does the delay make a big difference? I want to get closer to being cured. They say that we can't do anything if she's not ready but this is such a roller coaster that it does damage on your body. Boo hoo! I have no right to talk about damage to the body but this worry is heavy. I count the days down to our admission and when it comes and go it is tough.

It started yesterday. My belly is full of anxiety and it lasts the entire time we are in the hospital. The catch and release means that I start my count down again. But if you can't do anything then we can't do anything. On a side note, we are available for that State Championship game on Friday. I'm not sure what we do next, but I'm going to enjoy my day. I might make a good dinner tonight, I might watch a movie, or I might not do anything. But I guarantee you one thing, I'm going to love my family a little extra today and thank God for the people he's put into my life!

Locks Of Love, An Extra Tool...

Our new wig arrived a couple of weeks ago. We were a lucky recipient of a Locks of Love masterpiece. This wig is a amazing. You can cut it, dye it, wash it, and swim in it. It is form fitting so you can do almost anything in it. Thank you.

Kaylee fell a sleep in her wig last night. Tammie went in to wake her to see if she wanted to take it off and she declined. What a gift and tool to receive. Kaylee is comfortable with herself but this wig helps make her feel normal. Most people can't tell there's anything wrong if she has her hair on.
Again that doesn't sound right, but you know what I mean. I write the words normal and something wrong and I feel guilty. We have extra responsibility. I'm not sure who lives without thinking about those two words. Normal and Wrong.

If I'm not politically correct please accept my apology. We live a normal life and we don't have anything wrong. As a normal standard of living we are battling things that most won't. I'm not sure if I can tell you if it's right or wrong but it's the hand we were dealt. I'm really aware that things could be worse. I travel in circles throughout the month where you stop and count your blessings for whatever hits you. There are heartbreaking stories at 24th & Gilliham Rd.. The people have names and the kids are real. I say that because I drove by the hospital for years and didn't realize that as easy as those people are in the hospital for days, weeks, or months it could be me or my family.


The weird thing is, you never think it will happen to you. I realized this morning that I do something on every holiday. I count back the years and try to remember what and where we were the year before. I always grab Tammie and remind her how long it has been. I want to say this might be close to our 20th Thanksgiving. Wow. That is history. Its one thing to know someone 2o years, but to share the most important days of the year with someone is priceless. It's called family.

So remember to tell your family members how important each person is. Whether it's your kid, your wife or that crazy brother-in-law; each person has a purpose, even if you don't see it as you scan around the dining room table. Every person has an impact on someone even if you can't put your finger on it. I'm one that can testify that you'll see good things in people that you never saw coming.

One family member drove miles to help me with my brakes so I could safely drive my family to our destinations. Another opened up their house for an early Thanksgiving for my family (if one dinner wasn't enough for them). An unexpected phone call from another informing us that they will deliver us a hot turkey dinner on Thanksgiving. Such an honor to see the good in people. That's family and that's priceless in my book!

Redundant Days...

I want to tell everyone about a gift I received this week. It wasn't wrapped and it wasn't bought. It was a gift that took its time to get here. When it did arrive, it was so special that words couldn't describe it. My gift is the most beautiful gift and it took some time but didn't cost a dime.

This gift was relief. Relief we weren't sick anymore. Relief that I could sleep good because my baby girl was sleeping good. Relief that there wasn't any needles or injections. No sickness. No pain. Relief that Kaylee was back for a moment. Her laughter and smile were back and it was a relief.

Tomorrow we start our treatments again. We get fluids the first Day and chemo follows shortly after. There a two big bags of methotrexate. I think that's how you spell it but I could be wrong. One thing I know for sure is that we get sick on the third day. It is hard to think that we will be sick again after these fine days. It is what it is.

I don't want to bore you but I want you to enjoy your life. Take the time to enjoy your life. Step back and enjoy the workings of your day. The family or co-workers. The home or the office. Your car or your neighbors. One of your kids likes cheeseburgers and the other doesn't. One is scared of roller coasters and the other of scary movies. One can't stop running and you're not sure if you've ever seen the other run at all. One sings and the other doesn't.

It might be my life or it might be yours. Just make certain that you appreciate your life and all that comes with it. But make certain that your routine doesn't handicap you. Don't get blind because one day seems like the one before. If its one observation a day that's OK. Just take the time to be grateful and take an inventory of you life on a regular basis. These days and this time might be redundant but remember we're not guaranteed anything. So these memories could be the best even though they seem like all the rest.

Thanksgiving Tonight...

We are heading to my sister Kelly's house tonight for dinner. We are all getting together tonight to have our dinner because we will be admitted into the hospital on Wednesday. Thursday we will be receiving chemotherapy. I believe we only have one more dosage of this chemo after Wednesday. Yeah!

I want to get our chemo and go. I predict we'll be out on Sunday. Wednesday to Sunday isn't so bad. Who am I to say what's good or bad, I'm just a parent trying to judge our sickness and our release date. Kaylee is the judge of good and bad. I'm just here to make things comfortable and provide a good household. Tammie is focused on her job of healing and assisting my child. Together we will make it through.

I'll sacrifice holidays, birthdays, or championships. Whatever we need to do I will. Next year will be very special. We will enjoy the Holiday Season even more. This season is only a speed bump. We will be in full gear next year with a new outlook and with deeper appreciation. Here we go again with that appreciation.

So if the next few weeks become overwhelming with the hectic season, and you become upset or mad over minor things, remember that these small insignificant issues are small and insignificant issues! I thought I'd been stressed out before but take my word when I say that anything besides an issue of health is very minor. We will be on the fourth floor at CMH fighting to have all those problems we used too. Money, in-laws, and money!

Smile!...

We have a photo shoot this morning for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Kaylee will be featured in a collection with other cancer patients. This is an honor and we thank LLS for including Kaylee. Our times of availability have been so unpredictable that we want to say thank you for working around our schedule and for being patient.

Kaylee is excited and is getting ready as we speak. I'm excited for the day that we can stop counting down our hospital admission dates. It is so peaceful when we have a child that is feeling good. Last night Kaylee came home from a shopping event at The Independence Center shopping mall and looked me in the eye and said " I had such a good time tonight Dad!"

I was reading literature provided from the L.L.S. and it said that this battle we are going through is very tough due to the outpatient appointments and the unpredictability of the disease. Admissions, appointments, and check-ups. We can vouche for the toughness of planning anything. We don't know whether we're coming or going. So if you're in Lee's Summit today and you see camera flashes you'll know why!

Appreciation Beyond Words...

I want to thank you Mary Hayes. My daughter had a wonderful time tonight because of you, and your kindness and generosity will not be forgotten. Although I've never had the honor of meeting you personally, I just want to say thank you so much. Tammie has said so many nice things about you that I look forward to meeting you soon. I admire and appreciate your kindness.

The jewelery event in honor of Kaylee was touching. The Independence Center event was an event that my girls looked forward to for weeks. I'm aware of the time you invested in both projects and we thank you. I forgot to mention that the event was a huge success. Congratulations!


The gift cards for Kaylee were great because she got out and enjoyed the shopping. We can't tell you how important it is for us to see our beautiful daughter out applying her taste while shopping. I've slowed down enough to really appreciate the style and grace of my loved ones. To watch them do simple things are more important then ever. To watch Kay's nose as she sniffs a squirt of perfume. Observing as she takes a bite of her food. To watch Kaylee drink pickle juice and truly enjoy it is amazing!. All these things might not have been too important months ago but it is priceless now.

One last thing, the Vemma Drinks will help with Kaylee's recovery. We just might get her weight and strength back sooner then we thought. I don't want to bore everyone with all my new appreciations, but appreciating is good. So I have to say, Mary Hayes, we appreciate you more then words can say! www.myverve.com/healthy_energy

Children's Mercy On Line 1...

We received a phone call asking if Kaylee wouldn't mind checking into the hospital on Wednesday instead of Tuesday. Yeah! This means that Kaylee can go to a Pep Rally if the school has one on Tuesday. School is released on Tuesday for the Holiday and we assume that there will be a rally for the boys on Tuesday. We can go. That is so big for Kaylee.

I want Kaylee to be available for some of the celebration or festivities. To think that she would be in the hospital is bad enough on Thanksgiving, but for her big Championship was hurtful. At least now we can take part in the events leading up to Friday. One event is better than none.

She is still sleeping, 2:40 PM, so I'll have to wait to discuss our options.

Things have a way of working out. Last year we were geared for a Championship, but we got beat. Webb City put an end to our season. This year was going to be the one and it is. Unfortunately we didn't see the cancer coming. We take it as comes, if it's good or if it's bad we don't care, we'll work with it or we'll work through it. Peace!

On Our Way To State...

The Lee's Summit West Titans are heading to the State Football Championship. The game is in St.Louis this next Friday. We will be in the hospital fighting sickness but we wish our boy's good luck. This was exciting news for Kaylee but I wondered if it hurt. She smiled from ear to ear when she found out the Titans were in the big game. I smiled but hurt inside. This child lived for the games and the cheerleading in her life. The girls called when they were at the game and Kaylee could hear everyone screaming with happiness.

Kaylee takes pride in being a cheerleader for the school. She was a spotter but we're told that the doctors don't want her spotting when she does go back. There's to much risk with the potential bruising and the possible harm of having 100 plus lb. girls zipping through the air. We could careless. We just want her back and any role on the field is fine. Spectator, cheerleader, or referee.

Kaylee said she wished she could sabotage her hospital stay so she could go to State but we are certain her counts will add up this Tuesday and she'll be admitted. But who knows. I wish Kaylee could give the boys a pep talk because I'm sure she could speak volumes about courage, strength, and fight. Hell, I'd give the speech for her. It's sad that she won't be there. But health first and celebrating second. I hope the cheerleaders and football team can find away to include Kaylee even if she's not there. Go Titans!

At The End Of The Day...

I love having a good night at home. We had one last night after our dinner and we had one tonight as well. Kaylee just went to the grocery store for the second time tonight. She went for some Special K cereal. To have a healthy child for a few more days is perfect with me.

Angela Coleman,Wristbands,T-Shirts & Frys...

We are going to take it easy this weekend. I have to put something together for our website for Kaylee. The site is http://www.cheer4acure.com/ , I don't have anything on there right now and I'm at a loss for ideas. Kaylee had wristbands made up, those rubber band type, and it has her name and web address. We also have t-shirts that I could put on the site.

Thank you Angela Coleman (my sister in Los Angeles) for the wristband braclets and for the encouraging words you send me. Thank you for the gift basket last week as well. Oh, I almost forgot to mention the Meagan Fitch picture. I love what everyone has done and I especially love watching my family and friends rally around us during this time. We couldn't do it without all the help.

The silver lining is always shining. We just need to get done with these last two rough treatments and work on Kaylee getting stronger. Her weight is almost 100 lbs. again and we are just 18 shy of our pre-cancerous weight. So say a prayer for our girl tonight and have an extra fry for us.

Rise and Shine...

I have to tell you something, taking medication to help cope is good and bad. I was taking some pills to help me sleep and some for anxiety. Well, it was OK at first but it then I started to depend on them and it was gross. If I didn't take them I couldn't sleep. It went from an aid to a necessity. The anxiety seem to loom around for the pills. Well I stopped taking them, everything, this last week and I feel spectacular.

It was hard at first. I was a little sweaty and irritable. I went over board on a few things but it feels so good at 7:55 AM today. My reason for telling you this is to help that next person. I needed the help at first then I needed the help just to function, not so good at the end. Please watch yourself if your child or loved one gets sick and you seek out medical help. It could be you that ends up needing additional help to get off the band-aid. At this point there's only room for one person in my house who needs the help and that is Kaylee Marie Quijas.

Thanks Again...

I want to tell everyone thank you. I write and people read. It is so healthy for me to do, and even more then that, I get a support system through it. I get feedback and responses and it helps me. It has reconnected me with great friends that I'd lost touch with and it has been very theraputic for me.

Today one of my classmates from high school sent me a email telling me that their beautiful daughter was diagnosed with a cancer just a month ago. The tumor that was discovered meant that the doctors at CMH had to remove a kidney and gland. Such a tragic thing. She told me that the blog hit home. I can't offer much more but then my story but it makes one feel good that they're not alone. I can't say that for them, but it helps me to know that we have a similiar fight together. Who knows when we might need to talk to someone who is doing the same routine and going through the same emotions.

My advice to anyone going through this is to have an escape or release. Reading or writing. Drawing or painting. Something or another. Mine happens to be writing and I thank you for taking your time to read it.

Randy and Staci my prayers are with you. I will put Jillian in my prayers right next to Kaylee and we'll get through this. Stay strong.

Best Friends...

We had such a great time tonight. Kaylee has been planning a party for her best friend Alyssa all week. She made cards, had t-shirts made that say "Best Friends" with a picture of the two on it, and dinner at the Rain Forest Cafe. I could tell that she planned everything and spent time on it. It was so special to see her wanting to give a special event to her best friend.

I was tired and could have laid down but got regenerized thinking about the big Kaylee Q Gala. We arrived at 8 PM and had a wonderful dinner. The shirts we made will not be ready until Monday but it was fun.

Carter Creations of Lee's Summit did the shirts and got Kaylee involved with the design. They spent extra time on the process and it made me feel good to see them treat Kay with special attention. The Carters make our shirts for work and they knew Kaylee was coming . So it was a very special day for Kaylee, and me too.

On the way home tonight Kaylee, Alyssa, and my niece Bailey were all singing. It was beautiful to hear. I love to hear the kids sing. Singing means you feel good. Well it does in our house. To have a great night was well deserved. I thought I'd share our night and our day. Good night.

Her Four Yr. Old...My Fifteen Yr. Old...

I opened an email from a girl who attended the same high school as me this morning. Her four year old daughter is battling cancer. This has been going on for a month or so. So sad. I graduated with her cousin, and that was probably the only two connections we would have ever had. Same school and the same class as the cousin. But now we are in this special fraternity. A fraternity of parents battling for our children's health. Her four year old and my fifteen year old.

I know that there are so many members of this ugly fraternity but I'm thinking about two. Jillian and Kaylee. I find myself comparing my emotions to others. How do others take such devastating news? Are people calm? Do they lose it? Is it hard to function? Is it all faith for some and not for others? I don't know. How ever seasoned a parent anyone is

36 Degrees...

My walk was short lived because of the cold weather. That poor dog was short changed again. It didn't look that cold from bed but it was sure brisk when I made my way outside. I'll wait awhile. I'm bored so I'll bore you with some quick thoughts.

We have several construction jobs going on this week and over the next several weeks. I am growing my business but have several headaches with the expansion. There are so many things to accomplish and some many details to concentrate on. I'm the one who usually handles the installs but have delegated this round of building to others. I'm a little manic over that decision. My days are unpredictable and feel that I should just step back.

Stepping back isn't bad but one might think that jumping in my be therapeutic. The problem is that if I jump in and get distracted for what ever reason I might drop the ball. That wouldn't be good. I am so uncertain about my days that I think I'm making the right decision. We'll see.

I'm starting a new web based business. My partners think that will be the best thing for me. I can create a business from just a thought. The business plan, the literature, and the execution is my talent. The real trick is to find the right person to sell your idea to others. I think when you start something from nothing it is hard to separate yourself from the critics or the no's. So finding that right person who can take a no thank you or that's the craziest idea I've ever heard and brush it off is priceless. When I go out and people can't see the value or the business in what you're doing is very hard for me. It's like insulting my baby.

I enjoy starting a business from scratch but get confused when it starts walking. InAd TV is starting to run and I enjoy watching the fruits of my labor payoff. So I'll keep you updated on my progress. Have a good day. http://www.inadtv.com/

Going For a Walk...

Today is going to be a good day. I'm starting out with a walk and then I'm going to the Gym. I am going to make some changes to my diet and routine and see if it helps me. I feel good today. At a time I should really be aware of my health, I haven't been. So I'm going to change that.

My poor dog looks at me every morning to see if we are going to do our walk and lately I've been short changing him. Not today. We are going to hit the streets. I'm also going to hit the streets with Kaylee. Kaylee decorated poster boards last night for her best friend Alyssa, who turns sixteen. Kaylee had the sparkles out and took the time to make sure her card was just right. I went into her room and she had the glue out and she told me how much she enjoyed sparkles. I personally never liked sparkles because it was too messy. But to each his own.

I really don't have much to say. I thought I'd share a snap shot of the morning here at Camp Quijas. Not too exciting but not any drama either. I like that. Cruise control. Oh, I'm going to pull that picture from my Grateful Blog below. It is too sickening to look at. I think I forgot how dire our situation was at first. That sick, sick feeling. We didn't know any better. Our rapid weight loss and yellow tint was all but forgotten until I looked through the pictures. We have come a long way and we have faith in God that everything will be just fine!

Grateful...

(I had to remove this picture because it was to painful to look at) I was looking through pictures of our first days. I came across this one of Kaylee and her first days. It was effident that she was struggling to put a smile on her situation. To smile during such an ugly time is honorable and typical Kaylee. We were out of our element but she was putting on that smile.

Those neck muscles tell a story. It took every muscle to paint a smile. I am so grateful that we are beyond that foggy time. Today is different. We are in a routine and it feels great. Although my stories might drive someone to drink, I do carry gratefulness. Grateful to be so close to one of the best hospitals in the world. Grateful to be home with my child. Grateful for every birthday, Christmas, and day spent with Kaylee and our family.

Well its time for me to fly. If I can help you be grateful for the night then I did my job.

Our Counts Didn't Add Up...

We couldn't stay in the hospital because of Kaylee's low platelets. I am fine with the decision. We are having Thanksgiving on Monday. This works out fine. I think Kaylee should have two weeks off after her treatments. I'm not sure how one would do after only one week of rest.

Our celebrations are on hold but our fight is in full gear. We can handle the early Thanksgiving, we can handle a missed Halloween, and an emergency room Fourth of July. We are geared up for a fight that should start to wind down after two more intakes. Our next round will include steroids but I think we can handle that.

My family thinks I'm a cry baby. The little things can trigger my emotions. Today for example we were at The Bronx Deli and a mother was saying goodbye to her daughter and grand daughter. There was something so sweet about the generations of family that made me start crying. I can't explain it, but it makes me love family. It is comparable to a beautiful sunset, a wave, or a kiss. I appreciate things more. Kaylee is too young to understand. But I get it.

When we were driving home it was like a rock taken off my shoulders. I was relieved but exhausted. I was so worried today for my little girl that it was tiring. Tammie says I need to stop crying. Not in a bad way, but she laughs and says its OK. We are going to be fine. I can't explain why it hurts me so. Maybe its because I can't do anything about this.

Conquer The World...

Have you ever looked back in time and thought you had conquered the worst? I do. I mean I made it out of the inner-city, I started a family without a car and walked to work. I did everything the wrong way and it turned out OK. I moved to San Diego without a job offer or an education and made it work. We battled financial woes without a college education. We made it work!

Thursday I had a woman tell me that she and her husband would wait to have kids. They weren't financially stable. They own 3 companies. Successful in their own right. She told me I was lucky Kaylee had leukemia because she had seen a lot more serious disease. She has a side project where she connects families with disease, with others of similar stories. Lucky. I almost lost it, but I thought ignorance is tough enough.

I attached the cover of my book Inflicted. It is my neighborhood that I grew up in. Rosedale. My address was 1614 W. 39th St. Kansas City, Kansas. I literally grew up on the other side of the tracks. But I made it out. My kids would never have to experience the things I did. Was I ever right.

We are fighting things that I never imagined. Things and situations I know nothing about. Experiences they will find foreign, as they find their selves battling things most will never have too. I thought it was all financial and environmental, but that is really the small part, there are so many other battles. Hopefully when this is all over I can truly say I conquered it all.

My Baby Girl...

I had to post these last pictures. If you click on the pics you get a better view. The picture on the left is from Los Angeles. It is the last picture that I have of Kaylee dressing up for Halloween. It is from 2003. She was a fairy or renaissance girl.???? Sorry Kaylee, I'm not sure what that costume was. You looked beautiful!

I am scared of losing my child and I'm scared to death if I would ever have to face a Halloween without Kay. This is such a taboo thing to say but it is my reality. I'm scared. I know everyone says she'll be fine and I know she will, but I worry.

It might make some of my family and friends mad that I just wrote what I wrote but it's my thoughts tonight as I look at recent and past pictures. Tonight and every night, before we check into CMH, is difficult. I just took Kaylee to Price Chopper and she bought some make-up, colored pencils, poster board, and snacks. Once we get there, she usually doesn't eat her goodies, but we have them.

Kay will check in at noon. They will test her levels-blood,immune, and platelets. If all works out we stay, but if her levels are too low we go home. We come back in a week and spend Thanksgiving in CMH.

I really don't care one way or another. I personally wish her levels don't work out and we come back next week. I want her real strong when we fight and do this poison. I'd hate to miss Thanksgiving, but if she needs the time to heal and get strong, I'm all for it.

Good night and I hope every one has a good day tomorrow. Please say a prayer for our child and our family. - MQ

Welcome Back Mr.Quijas...

We take Kaylee back to Children's Mercy tomorrow. It is time for our Methotrexate fix. This stuff is awful, but a miracle at the same time. This admission won't be missed if her counts do not work out. I would much rather have Kaylee rest for a week and go back next Wed., but Thanksgiving is next week. Tammie says "Let's get it over with." I say let's slow pace it. Tammie is right, but I hate the side effects.

This is a picture from Halloween. The kid in the Tootsie Roll is Nathan. He is my son's best friend and a second son for us. Christian, Kaylee, and Nathan are like siblings. We also have Alyssa, Kay's best friend. The four are always at our house. So they have been split in an out of control way. Cancer. The kids all seem to hang out at our house. Although Kaylee and Alyssa spent alot of time at Alyssa's house.

Sandra McHenry is Alyssa's mom. She is a good friend. She took off work when Kaylee got sick, she spent her birthday in Columbia when Kay was diagnosed. She is wonderful. I think it's funny how your kids can make you new friends. We didn't have a choice but to be friends with the McHenry's because they are such good people.

Kaylee went to the football game last night. I dropped the family off and p/u. I was going to go but I always end up by myself. Tam and Kay go on the track with the cheerleaders and I never get a seat because of the crowds so I end up somewhere trying to catch the game without luck, usually. We won! One more game and it's off to State. That game is held in St.Louis and we hope to go if the family is feeling good. Close enough to home.

Well that's about it. I am thankful for your time and will check back soon.

A Simple Time...

Halloween is a time of the year that the kids look forward too. We've been lucky to celebrate the day as we've wanted to for years. We never had obligations or problems that kept us from the day. This year is an exception. Our day was dictated by health care professionals who said you must be in the hospital if you want more trick or treats. So that's what we did. Hospitalization.

My son's list of important days are

1. Christmas

2. Birthday

3. The Fourth of July

4. Halloween

Kaylee has gotten to old for the costume part but she is a simple child at this moment. She would be Tootsie Roll Girl and knock on doors in a minute if she was able too. Things have slowed down for us. We will appreciate more.

Me, Bubba, and Nathan went to the hospital on Halloween to visit with Kaylee. This picture was taken on Halloween, we were in and out quickly. I love this picture. There is so much complicated hoses, batteries, and needles. Then you have this simple kid who would love to be at home passing out the candy. We'll be fine next year!

Emails and Phone Calls...

If any one has emailed or called, I apologize. I have been focused on our fight and apologize if I dropped the ball on anything. It wasn't my intention too. It is really hard to describe survival mode. I can only do what I have to do. So many people have done so many nice things for my family, for my daughter. I am just letting everyone know that I'll be back soon. I'm taking care of the family.

Potato Casserole...

I am pleased to announce that my strapping fifteen year old ate for the first time in five days. She had two bowls of potato casserole. Casserole that my sister made especially for Kaylee. It's one of those dishes that you only get on Thanksgiving or Christmas. My mother's receipt. My daughter's favorite.

Kaylee looks so much better. Her eyes are back. That is my frantic point when those eyes go blank. I never want anyone to see that look in their loved one, if it means I have to take that experience from everyone I will. It is torture to watch this sickness sneak into your child. You have to be tough.

Some might question my toughness. Others might judge my strength. I'm here to say that I've always been up for a fight. There has always been a toughness and strongness inside of me. It's just that I have to release that hurt and I have to do it in a healthy way. I find writing a great release. You are my guest and I confess my thoughts and worries with you. My stories are personal and truthful. My pain and suffering.

I read my writings and sometimes second guess my candid stories. But I admit that I sometimes cry when I read my story. It hurts to know that some days are good and some are really bad. It makes me sick to think that I will drive Kaylee back in seven days for more torture. There's no options but to think I will get her up bright and early, make sure she is buckled up, and drive her back to the needle that makes her sick. What do you do?

I look forward to the day that we will talk about our journey. I look to the day that Kay will share our story with her family. It is a long road but we will get there. I am taking it one day at a time, today just happened to be a day centered around POTATO CASSEROLE.

Tony E...

The door bell rang 60 seconds ago and there stood a man with Gatorade in hand. He said only one thing, "You're in our thoughts and prayers." And with that he handed me a case of Gatorade.

He is our neighbor and friend. Tony Esseman. If I spelled it wrong please forgive me. The kind act will never be forgotten. I swear. This sweet guy has delivered doughnuts, Gatorade, and smiles on several occasions. The funny thing is he never wants any praise or thank you. He says stop it when I start my speeches. He is a good friend.

Tony's father passed in away in the last year. It was from a sudden heart attack that no one saw coming. When we got the news I was devastated. Truly because Tony is such a nice person. It bothered me that he would have to feel hurt. No kidding. I hurt because he was hurting. I managed to get the courage to call him.

I looked at the number and started dialing. Before I got to the last digit I hung up. Sometime later I redialed only to put the phone down because I wasn't sure if you say condolences before sympathy's, and I'd make sure my speech was really good before I called again. The speech would be great, when I make the call.

I never made the call because I didn't know what to say. The bottom line is, I didn't call because I was scared and didn't want to deal with it. Eight months later he is at my door and doesn't worry if he says the right thing or anything at all. His actions and silence says it all!

The Sound Of Sickness…

Sometimes silence speaks volumes. If you were to put your ear to my daughter's door you would hear sickness. Not distressing sounds of sickness but silence. She, Kaylee Marie Quijas, a fifteen year old who is supposed to be laughing and giggling on the phone is silent. Her phone is quite and the sounds of texting have faded. The TV is off and the lights are low. This isn't the way the story was planned.

There's no room for visitors or company. We are nursing a child and it is brutal. I would write anything if we weren't consumed with our situation. Flowers and rainbows might be my subject if things were different. Butterflies and clouds. Sticks and stones. But it's about silence. I'm sick for my kid.

Tammie says that she's positive that there is a great majority of people who might not be able to do what we are doing. It might make someone flee instead of fight. I can see what she means. There are men who might abandon the family instead of digging in. There are moms that might not be able to administer shots or discard clumps of hair that fall out during the struggle. They might flee. Maybe not, or I hope not.

My team will have me forever. I might get teary eyed at times, I might have to leave the room at times, but I'll never be far. I will do whatever it takes to get us through. I have faith and I have hope.

Rx…

My phone rang at 5:04 PM tonight. It was my sister Kelly and she had an urgent tone. She said Kaylee needed medicine and I had to be at a pharmacy by 6:00. It took me by surprise because we had already picked up medicine yesterday. Kelly told me that her nausea meds weren't working and she called a family member who happened to be a Pharmacist and suggest a cream that wouldn't have to be swallowed.

Kaylee hasn't eaten since Friday, five days ago. The doctors let us take her home but didn't explain what we were supposed to do about her medicine. If she can't eat food, she's not going to eat pills. Her little body is so sick from the chemo that she has to have medicine to battle the vomiting. No medicine no protection from the sickness. We found a solution with the cream.

I arrived at 5:50 and I think they knew it was me. I said I'm Kaylee Quijas' father. They handed me the cream and it was still warm. They are a compound pharmacy. They can mix different meds where as our pharmacy doesn't. New to me.

The hand off from them to me was relief. I had that little something in my hand that can make a big difference in our fight. I started crying. Yep, I start crying as I pay the bill. These people at The Medicine Shoppe have no idea that they are giving me something that can ease the pain and sickness of the most beautiful soul in Lee's Summit. Kaylee's little lungs and heart are breathing and beating, but are doing so with much sickness and pain.

These kind people do their job and it probably becomes so routine that they forget that there is a story behind every handoff. I guarantee that they drove home tonight and realized that they do much more then just make a transaction. Their actions and talents had a grown man in their lobby crying and sincerely saying thank you. If I can give a little peace and care to my daughter then my job and day ends with no regrets.

Family...

Have you ever been away from your home or your bed for a period of time? That feeling of finally getting home and sinking in and just relaxing. I am speechless and searching for words to describe my state at the moment. It really has little to do with my bed but my comfort zone.

I love my family so much. To have us under one roof is an honor. I feel honored to be with my crew. My team. The Michael Quijas Family. I could talk all night about the pride I have for our thing. To be grateful for what you have is powerful stuff.

The ability to walk down the stairs and spend time with Kaylee is priceless. I feel so good tonight. If the girls are at the hospital it is so miserable. I know my writings are redundant, if that's the word, but I am truly happy and want everyone to know it. Most people wouldn't want my life right now, but I wouldn't trade tonight for anything. I'm one that is never is content, I always want what I don't have or I want more. Tonight there's nothing more I could ask for. Family.

Comfortable Beyond Words...

We are home! Our wonderful Doctor's let us go around 3:00 PM today. Kaylee is very sick but we felt coming home might be the medicine she needs. I am sooooo comfortable right now. Just having my girls home is comforting. Me and Christian are happy tonight.

Kaylee will have 2-3 more bad days and then she should start feeling better. The sickness is tough. We can only help control the nausea with our meds. The battle is internal again, but we are here for our little girl. It's tough to watch what the chemo does to this little girl. Tammie said that last night was our worst battle yet. Well, she said that time with the pain was a close second. Last night was an all nighter that consisted of mad sickness.

I had a chance to say goodbye to the little girl's parents that passed yesterday. They were speechless but we exchanged numbers and I said what everyone else does, "If we can do anything, Call." I sincerely meant it but who would call? I hope they do call, I know they are having difficulties with their computer at home and I'd gladly give them one of ours. I hope they call.

I am going to crash early tonight and hope everyone snuggles with their loved ones. I can not express with enough words the importance of enjoying each day with those you love. Kaylee wants everyone to stay away because she is that sick, but if you can read a story or watch a program with anyone you love, do it. There might be a day when that someone wants distance because of deep sickness. So if you can snuggle tonight I encourage it! For me, I'm going to rest like a little baby.

On A Roll...

Since I'm on a roll and can't stop lets talk about strength. I had the one million person tell me "I don't know how you do it!" This is a common comment. I always reply back "You'd do it if you had to, it's a fight." But until you live this daily battle you'll never really know. Our days are unpredictable but predictable at the same time.

We never know when we might end up at the hospital. With no immune we are guaranteed to be home if we're not hospitalized. So we are fifty-fifty. Home or hospitalized. Not too long ago it was a crap shot if we'd be home, at some practice, or driving someone somewhere. Today has changed.

Tammie is so good at finding the good. I wish the hell we were not doing any of this. Tam accepts and doesn't complain. I on the other hand get floored with the fact that everything is out of my control. I can not fix it. Give me an overdue bill, back taxes, or a blown engine and I'll figure it out. Let us lose everything and I would have it back in no time. But I can't fix my baby girl.

As the head of the household it is hard for me to come to terms with this. It scares me. I have so many good friends that say it's in God's hands. I completely understand that but I want some control of the situation. I have to come to terms that it is in good hands. But it is hard.

My sister Kelly called tonight and asked if it bothers me when people say "She's doing good!" It is a trick question. She is doing good but she is deathly sick from the treatments. We're talking sick. Not the sniffles or coughs, but sick. They say "she has the good kind of leukemia." We are blessed that she has the most curable or treatable but it is deadly too. We have a disease that attacks the blood. So we are doing the treatments and are strong in our fight but it kills to see the effects that this cure has on a young lady, my daughter.

"She's in remission" is another common line. Yes, we are blessed that we are in remission. But we get injected and poked weekly to stay that way. If we quite today we would surely get it back. There is an extinguishing taking place. Similar to the forest fires in the west. If they don't completely contain and extinguish then you have flare ups. These flare ups can re-ignite and you're back to the problem. More devastation.

Back to Tammie. She is there at the hospital fighting this battle and looking forward to the day. She always says we are one day closer to our health. To have that strength and tank full of fuel is impressive. I on the other hand write all my emotion out. I can't be that strong and believe it. I will put on the mask when I get scared but it is all an illusion. I'm weak. I'm not scared to say it. Tammie truly looks forward to a sick day if that's what we are going to have. She honestly believes that if we get rid of that day today it means our days are going to be better tomorrow. STRONG!

Kaylee and I had such a great talk Saturday. I told her how much I love her and how important she is. I told her to see her like this is unfair. But who makes up the fair play list? We are dealt the hand and must play it. She has never complained. I keep waiting but it isn't there. She is attacking it just like her mama. I sometimes questioned Tammie's candid approach towards life during our years together. She never got too excited about things and rarely got rattled over life's hurdles. Even. This attitude or demeanor has become our gift. We are going to win and it is the staff we have on duty that will see to it.