On A Roll...

Since I'm on a roll and can't stop lets talk about strength. I had the one million person tell me "I don't know how you do it!" This is a common comment. I always reply back "You'd do it if you had to, it's a fight." But until you live this daily battle you'll never really know. Our days are unpredictable but predictable at the same time.

We never know when we might end up at the hospital. With no immune we are guaranteed to be home if we're not hospitalized. So we are fifty-fifty. Home or hospitalized. Not too long ago it was a crap shot if we'd be home, at some practice, or driving someone somewhere. Today has changed.

Tammie is so good at finding the good. I wish the hell we were not doing any of this. Tam accepts and doesn't complain. I on the other hand get floored with the fact that everything is out of my control. I can not fix it. Give me an overdue bill, back taxes, or a blown engine and I'll figure it out. Let us lose everything and I would have it back in no time. But I can't fix my baby girl.

As the head of the household it is hard for me to come to terms with this. It scares me. I have so many good friends that say it's in God's hands. I completely understand that but I want some control of the situation. I have to come to terms that it is in good hands. But it is hard.

My sister Kelly called tonight and asked if it bothers me when people say "She's doing good!" It is a trick question. She is doing good but she is deathly sick from the treatments. We're talking sick. Not the sniffles or coughs, but sick. They say "she has the good kind of leukemia." We are blessed that she has the most curable or treatable but it is deadly too. We have a disease that attacks the blood. So we are doing the treatments and are strong in our fight but it kills to see the effects that this cure has on a young lady, my daughter.

"She's in remission" is another common line. Yes, we are blessed that we are in remission. But we get injected and poked weekly to stay that way. If we quite today we would surely get it back. There is an extinguishing taking place. Similar to the forest fires in the west. If they don't completely contain and extinguish then you have flare ups. These flare ups can re-ignite and you're back to the problem. More devastation.

Back to Tammie. She is there at the hospital fighting this battle and looking forward to the day. She always says we are one day closer to our health. To have that strength and tank full of fuel is impressive. I on the other hand write all my emotion out. I can't be that strong and believe it. I will put on the mask when I get scared but it is all an illusion. I'm weak. I'm not scared to say it. Tammie truly looks forward to a sick day if that's what we are going to have. She honestly believes that if we get rid of that day today it means our days are going to be better tomorrow. STRONG!

Kaylee and I had such a great talk Saturday. I told her how much I love her and how important she is. I told her to see her like this is unfair. But who makes up the fair play list? We are dealt the hand and must play it. She has never complained. I keep waiting but it isn't there. She is attacking it just like her mama. I sometimes questioned Tammie's candid approach towards life during our years together. She never got too excited about things and rarely got rattled over life's hurdles. Even. This attitude or demeanor has become our gift. We are going to win and it is the staff we have on duty that will see to it.