Do You Worry?

We've got high fevers tonight. It keeps bouncing up and down, but up more then down. I caught Tammie crying. She was alone in the kitchen and broke down. She said Kaylee just got released and she didn't want to go back to the hospital. It's forty-eight hour stays at the minimum. We hate to make her go back. But we have to do what we have to do. It's worry.

We worry she's going to get sick, really sick. Maybe not tonight, but one of these times. I've mentioned immune so many times that I can't believe it's part of my vocabulary. Its a predictor, director, and dictator of what we can and cannot do. So if I mention immune 100,000 times again I'm sorry. But it's my worry, it's my child, and it's her cancer - it's our lives.

Tonight I got to the gym at 6:00 and was called at 6:34 and told of the pending problem. Fever. I hate fever, and I hate the weekends now. It is becoming a reoccurring problem on the weekends. What was once our relaxation days have become the stand-by days. We stand-by with bags packed. I had to leave the gym, and I drove home.

Kays fever got to 102, and we had her shower to drop the fever. Admission is 101.5 but the doctors said try a shower, they know we just got released. The shower helped. But it is holding at 100.8. We are positive we will be admitted sometime in the next few hours. All we can do is wait and worry. But does that do any good? Probably not, but we can't help it. What are your worries?

I looked at guy at the gym tonight. He looked like a skin head. His demeanor was that of a hard person. I so badly wanted to ask him if he worries. I know everyone has worries. Work, family, relationships, bills. But I swear this guy looked like he didn't have any worries. He was a mean guy. People kept walking up and shaking hands with him. Respect. Fear. Celebrity. Not sure but I didn't ask, I thought if he said to "fuck off" (sorry kids for the profanity) I'd have to smack him or their was a strong possibility he'd smack me. Terrible. But sometimes I want to know what others worry about. I miss those old fashion traditional worries.

What I wouldn't do to worry about the dirty carpet, the grass, and the dishes. Throw in a curfew violation. Hell I'd accept a school suspension tonight. Sneak the car out. Break a window. Accidently burn the house down, I wouldn't care or worry as long as we all made it out. Since none of those are happening tonight, I have to deal with the reality of my worry. Fever. Someone else has it worse then us, but that saying isn't helping me and my family tonight. Selfish, I know. But again what is your worry?

How weird is this, John Mellencamp is playing on the radio. His song is "Ain't Even Done with the Night, from the Alblum "Nothin' Matters and What If It Did" - Is John trying to tell me something? My blog "That Day" deals with Mr.Mellencamp and his song "Jack and Diane"

Anyhoo, we are waiting with thermometer in hand, but once again I ask "Do you Worry?
Good night and don't worry, the grass can be mowed, glasses can be cleaned, and Stanley Steemer is just a phone call away. Peace.

Meagan Fitch

I just recieved a letter from my sister in Los Angeles, Angela Coleman, enclosed was a picture. It was the most beautiful picture I've ever seen. It wasn't a sunset, a flowing river, or a flower. It was a picture of a wrist. Not a familiar wrist. But the name on it was familiar. KAYLEE QUIJAS.

To describe my emotions right now is hard, but I'll try. Kaylee has moved beyond us, and into other peoples lives. My sisters friend Meagan Fitch, wrote Kaylees name on a wrist band and did a triathalon for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society in Los Angeles. Kaylee was part of something even though she was sick in bed. I don't know Meagan, and she doesn't know Kaylee, but we were part of her big day in LA. Thank you so much for letting my daughter be part of something so special. Thank you!

The employees at my mothers work have sent us a card and money. They have no idea who we are but we are connected through my mom. I thank all of you. Tammie was a waitress before this happened, and some nice lady, a regular I suppose, has dropped off cards several times, anonymously. She has never left her name or number just the cards. We want to know who she is, but if we never get to say it personally, I'm doing it now. Thank you.

Tony Essman our neighbor and friend has dropped doughnuts off at 7:30 am, and brought cases of Gatorade more then once. He is the best and so is his wife, Beth. To have your daughter in someones thoughts at 7:30 means so much. It doesn't have to do with me, its her. She has evolved into Kaylee Quijas, not Michael Quijas' daughter, but Kaylee Marie Quijas.

I think it is hard to describe with words the moment you see your kid in the paper or on a billboard. Ideally, it would be on the Top 10 Charts of the music billboard or I'd even take the top grossing film of the week. But it is what it is.

Once again I thank everyone. I especially want to thank Meagan Fitch for the most beautiful picture I've ever laid eyes on and for the sweetest gesture any parent could ask for.

Thank you!

That Day...

I woke up today and thought back to June 21, 2007. The day they uttered those words CANCER. It's been 3 months and our lives have changed so much. Everything is planned, and spontaneity has departed. We need to check tempatures on a regular basis and hospitalization is always a degree away.




We headed out of the house around 6:30 am and met the baseball team at McDonalds. I knew Kaylee was sick, it was obvious, but I knew she was really sick when she didn't want to go to my sisters house and relax instead of driving with us. She needed to be by us, regardless of the long drive to Columbia,MO.


Tammie and Christian drove separately. Christian with some team mates, Tammie with a mother driving solo. Kaylee and I followed. I remember the morning well. It was going to be a beautiful day. My only concern for the day was Kaylee and her flu.



Our drive was uneventful, and smooth. Kaylee was trying to sleep and I had ten cars in the caravan, so it was kind of fun. One of us would pull out of the formation and make a pass. Back and forth. But both Kaylee and I remember certain things that morning.



The music. We heard John Cougar Mellencamp's song "Jack and Diane" three times. Elton John several times, and the news that Verizon Amphitheatre was closing. June 21, 2007.


The weird thing was the Jack and Diane song. I've since listened to it several times and can find no meaning to our situation. But it does remind me of my youth. It was released in 1982. Roughly the same time when I was Kays age. Was it that?




When we were just outside Columbia I decided to head to the hotel. Check-in time was six hours away but I wanted to get Kaylee in the room if at all possible. The sun was out fully and it was hot. I would get us checked in early, Kay could relax in the a/c, and I would join the team at the field and that's exactly what we did. I went to the room, fired up the air on high, purchased some cold beverages, made sure Kay was comfortable and headed to the fields. Kaylee was sick. Sick in a different way. Not much of anything. No vomiting, no sore this, no sore that, just sick.


While we were at the game we kept calling to check on Kay. She said she was fine. So when the game let out we hopped in the car and drove back to the hotel, stopping only to grab some Wendy's for the family.


Kaylee was relieved we were back. You could tell. She nibbled her food and watched TV. Just as we were relaxing the coach called and said we were all heading out to eat pizza. Get ready. I looked at Kaylee and Tammie and said "I'll stay with Kaylee and you go enjoy yourself." Kaylee was happy. She was scared to be by herself, she was sick. Tammie grabbed the keys and the boy and headed out.



Kaylee and I watched TV. It was a cartoon, not Family Guy, but the show with the dad named Hank - King of the Hill! It was hilarious. I got tired so I went in the other room to lay down. This hotel room was a two room suite. So it let us stretch a bit. I fell a sleep but woke when I heard Kaylee crying. Tammie was back and Kay had been bleeding from her nose, she was sick, and I heard the conversation she was having with her mom. She said she was the sickest she had ever been and she was scared. Scared? We have been sick countless other times. The sickest? Strong words. I jumped out of bed immediately and said "Get dressed I'm taking you to the doctor." And that's what I did.

We found the University Hospital, found Urgent Care, and found ourselves at the check in desk.


I filled out the paper work and they got Kay in, in less then 5 minutes. Quick I thought to myself. But I think the lady saw something we didn't. Kay was turning yellow. I thought it was her sun tan from Florida. But I think it didn't take long for a professional to know there was something really wrong.




Kaylee headed back and I told the nurse of her symptoms. Hmmm. The nurse left and the doctor came in. This guy was Vietnamese and not much of a sense of humor. I tried a couple jokes, nothing. But looking back now I'm glad because he was all business and that's what we needed. We needed to take care of business so I could get back to the hotel and get poolside, and have a cold beer.



He examined her and said, "this is serious." Serious, right, lets get the shot and lets get the hell out of here. He left and they took blood, and the vitals. Enough already. Lets go. We waited and waited. They came back and said they needed a urine sample. So they gave Kay a cup or something and I thought I'd sure like to help Kay hold the gown or something but it was invasive. So I told Kay good luck with your gown and hope you aim good.


I went into the hall way and it started. The nurse said "can I get you anything?", another said "are you o.k.?" and yet a third said "it'll be alright." What the hell? I called Tammie and said "you better get here." Tammie said why? I told her that Kay needed her help for some girly things. She would be better to be by her side then me. This was my way of getting her there without scaring her. But I needed her because something didn't feel right.



Tammie arrived and the doctor came in. He said again"this isn't good" and I looked at him. He was saying something, but not saying it. I asked if he would go in the hall with me. We stepped out and I asked what wasn't good? He said she would be admitted to the ICU and we needed to get going on this. Going on what? He said "you know its not good", I swear he said that. That's when it scared the shit out of me. I said "Doctor I'm sensing the test results aren't back yet and you are being politically correct, and cautious with your words but have you ever seen something like this?"




He answered, yes. Well what does it look like I asked. Leukemia. What did you say? Leukemia? It had all the makings of cancer. What? What! What. He had to be wrong because I don't know how to spell leukemia, I've never used cancer and my kids in the same sentence, I never considered, thought, or imagined cancer and kids. I never saw it coming.




Tammie was standing with me but I don't remember her falling, gasping, or yelling. She was already thinking about our next move. Strong! We would be transferred to the ICU immediately. We went in and told Kay that the tests weren't in and we'd be going into the hospital for observation and fluids. She didn't know the truth because we didn't know the truth.





I just hoped they were wrong. But they had already mentioned the words and we were sick. I called my mom. A cancer survivor, and my mom. She would have something to say to help me out. When I told her she got mad. She said "you don't say that if you don't know!" She had a point but we knew, the doctor knew, and the staff knew, something wasn't right. My mom was just being an individual, not some super power woman, just a mom and grandmother. Don't even mention the word if you don't know. I love my mom!



We headed up to the ICU and waited for our room. It was some time before we got in and Kaylee started to turn yellow. She started changing colors and her eyes started to glow. I hate myself for not recognizing the jaundice sooner but we went to Urgent Care two days earlier and they didn't notice. A Florida sun tan.



I stepped out for a moment and came back. The cancer doctor was talking to Tammie and took us to this little comfort room. They had already told Tammie that the results were in, and they were letting me know. Yes, it was cancer, leukemia, and we needed to act immediately. So I asked how should we tell Kaylee? Oh, we already told her. I was mad. I wanted to be there for the devastating news, I'm the comforting one, Tammie is the matter of fact one. But it was too late. I missed out. They said it was their obligation to tell Tammie and all of us as soon as they knew. Plus Kaylee is almost an adult. Tammie was the comforting one this time, and she did a good job.





Try to imagine sitting in a doctor’s office and being diagnosed with cancer, or worst yet imagine your child being diagnosed. In this paralyzing moment, whatever was consuming your life minutes before suddenly disappears far into the background as you face completely new and seemingly terrifying territory. Though you may feel as if time has stopped, you must go on. But what is your next move?




Tammie had already called her mother, sister-in-law, and my sister Kelly. Everyone was heading to Columbia. I had to go to the hotel and break the news to Christian. When I arrived he was sitting by himself next to the office with his head down. Someone must of said something. He ran to me and asked "Is she going to be ok?" I assured him we would be fine.




I went to the pool were everyone was and it started. Nobody knew what to say. There they were enjoying themselves, like they should, like we should have, and the awkward position with a guy who just found out his fourteen year old has cancer. I made an announcement.




I said, "I don't know what to say, and I'm sure you don't know what to say, just pray for my daughter." I grabbed Christian and we talked alone. He was devastated. We were devastated. But I had to go and he was on his own, with one of the families of course, at least for the night.

I wake up some mornings and think back. I think back to what our life used to be. It was fast paced and unpredictable. Today it has slowed down, but still unpredictable. What wasn't in perspective is. Our reality and our lives have changed. We know what matters and what doesn't matter. Our focus is on health, and family. Two things that can change rather quickly. We don't know what our future holds but we do know we're going to enjoy our moment and pray for a promising future.

Put It On Your Calendar...

We are going to have a get together on Friday, October 12, 2007 at Raoul's Velvet Room . The night will consist of drinks, conversation, and the best band in Kansas City - theZeros - led by former Shawnee Mission North Alumni Brad Gaddy. The get together will also be for a good cause, my daughter. The owner of Raoul's Velvet Room - Shawn McClenny - wants to donate the door cover charge to the Kaylee Quijas Fund. So please mark the date and attend if you can. I am aware that it is Reunion Weekend, and events are planned, so if you head to football game that night, Raoul's is about three miles from the S.M. South Stadium.

I thank Brad Gaddy, Shawn McClenny (owner of Raoul's and Fuel), and all of our friends that will attend. Thank you to everyone reading, to all of my friends, my old classmates, and everyone who has taken the time to send an email, to mail a card, or place a nice phone call!

I promise everyone reading, if anyone ever needs my help, today or tomorrow, please know I will be there, do not hesitate to contact me.

Adversity...

There is always going to be challenges in life but how you handle them is what really defines what kind of person you are. We've been thrown a little hurdle but our track and field instincts are kicking in.

It is so weird to think about conversations I had before we were hit with this sickness. One that comes to mind was with a first time father not to long ago. As cute as his new born baby was, I thought how glad I was that we were past those needy years. I told him that Tammie and I were starting to enjoy our second wind at life. Since the kids were getting older and more independent we had the luxury of going out again as a couple. No more babysitters!

I remembered each little mile marker of our needy little ones. The day we outgrew diapers, formula, and day care to name a few. I remember where I was when I bought my last can of formula. I was in Rancho Penasquitos, CA, in Lucky's Grocery Store on Carmel Mountain Road and Ted Williams Hwy. The last payment to day care, and my final diaper purchase.

Wow. I just referenced three memories and each one had to do with money. I didn't notice until I read it again. That's bazaar. My recollection of those years are filled with financial struggles. But health issues weren't upon us and it was what it was. We were living in San Diego, CA and I didn't have any job skills. I was a Bail Bondsman, and I hated it. So I started a carpet and house cleaning business. I had work but not enough to feed my family and supply Christmas, which was quickly arriving.

So I took a job delivering pizzas at night during the holiday season. I was embarrassed that I had to do it. My Domino's uniform and the fixture on top of my car. But my kids were going to have a great Christmas even if I had to deliver pizzas. Humbling. The only word I can use to describe the experience. Now I look back and love the fact that I can say I did whatever it took.

Do you believe in Karma? I do. To what extent is questionable, but I've had it come back to me. One day I was living in Kansas City, 1989, and I was somewhere and my cousin who would of been in his late 20's or early 30's arrived. He had a Pizza Hut uniform on and he had some big pizza logo on the car. I laughed. I made fun of him, and I had everyone making fun of him. We laughed.

I remember thinking about this incident when I would put my company issued Domino's gear on 7 or 8 years later. My Cuz was just trying to feed the family. Hell he might of been trying to pay for prescriptions for his fifteen year old. Who knows. All I know is Karma kicked me in the ass as I searched for addresses in the dark in my Domino's vehicle.

So looking back now, was it the conversation with the first time dad that made Mr.Fate say "So you think life's going to get easier for you?" Again, who knows, but what I do know is that I would trade this disease for day care, diapers, or formula any day. Hell, I would get out the Domino's outfit and strap on the big sign if it would change things. These health issues are just another hurdle, and we'll jump them just like the countless others we have encountered. Being broke and healthy sounds pretty tempting right now!

Kaylee's Escape...

Kaylee is home and we are happy. She was discharged at 10 something this morning. I am still quarantined and almost better so it shouldn't be long. Kaylee looks and sounds so much better. Her cousin Micala Kreighbaum and best friend Alyssa McHenry made their way to the hospital early this morning.

Kaylees health got bad last night and did a 180 after Tammie arrived back to at the hospital. Tammie finally got to come home and freshen up yesterday. My sis and her kids helped out by going to the hospital to give Tam a few hours break. Kaylee and Tammie did a 60 hour stint this time, better then 160 hours, I guess.

The difference between when she left Monday compared to today is mind blowing. Childrens Mercy is amazing. Sorry CMH about my blog earlier. We will relax tonight and eat some food and give Thanks to God for another day.

I am putting together a benefit the week of Oct. 15 or Oct. 22. Would you please go if we throw it? I am lining up bands and it will be on a Tues. or Wed., I know most work but if you could go it would be helpful. Several of our friends asked us to do something in Johnson County, so we are finding a date at Raoul's Velvet Room and trying to find a band or two to play. So if anyone talks to Brad Gaddy it would be sooo much fun to have his band, a band with so much talent, and we could make it the reunion after the reunion.

My high school reunion is the week before so if you went to school with me and Tammie start thinking about a baby sitter and I'll pass the info as we get it. If you didn't go to school with us you're still invited and come and have some fun with us. We thank you and if Kaylee has ever been in your prayers we thank you again!

Two Tenth Graders...

Two tenth graders and two different life styles.

To say I was completely out of control in tenth grade might be a fair observation, but I was

Tammie Lei Quijas

So where do I begin. I could start back twenty one years but I'll start with tonight. Tammie has been bedside with my daughter for 27 hours straight as of right now and it could be days depending on test results. She hasn't showered and hasn't complained. I am in bed sick and unable to go into the hospital for fear of getting not only my daughter sick but countless others. My sister Kelly offered to take her place so she can come home and get freshened up, but she won't leave. She is a wonderful human being and an awesome Mother.

I have always depended on her for her toughness. She is such a strong person that knows everything will work out. Her ability to reason and justify things in these uncertain times is inspirational. I will occasionally fall and she is always right there to pick me up. I sometimes get exhausted where she never ever takes a negative look on anything.

The mouth sores, the discomfort, and the pain is enough to break anyone, but Tammies view is positive. She says we knew the sores were coming, we knew there was going to be discomfort, and the pain was going to be part of the package. Lets get it over with it and move forward. Her prognosis is nothing less then full remission.

My writing is honest and I have to say that we have had our problems. We've known each other since I was sixteen and she was fifteen. That's a lot of history. That is more than half of our lives. I've been living with her longer then her parents did, and we were children when we met, she was Kaylees age. But we've managed to stay together and raise our family through our own personal growth. That is a hard thing to do. We've made poor decisions at times but we've always tried to compromise and meet each other half way so we could provide a loving and secure household for our children.

She is the captain of the home. I just hustle to make it happen. But I couldn't do it without her. When we moved to San Diego, CA in the mid nineties and I was homesick and out of my element, it was her that grabbed me and got me through it. She has a way of making it all right. I am the type that would physically protect us but she takes care of us in a Motherly way. During our financial woes it was her that would say "enjoy these moments because it won't always be like this. " When I had trouble meeting friends during our adventurous years in Cali it was her that made those price less friendships for us.

I grew up without a routine but it was her that stressed the importance of a routine. She read to the children, did homework, and bathed them at a certain time nightly. It was her strong belief that having a structured home was stability and with stability creates security. She was so right. My children are such good kids that they give me faith and hope that they will be productive young adults. This parenting is a combination of both, but I give Tammie most of the credit.

When I wanted to follow my dreams and start my own business it was her that backed me. She took a waitress job here or there to help ease our pain during those thin years. When I've questioned myself or when I've lost confidence she would grab me and say "You're Michael Quijas and you can do anything!" She has had more confidence in me then anyone and she always tells me she knows that I'm a good man who will do great things. If it wasn't for her belief in me and my capabilities I'd be behind someone else's desk answering someone else's phone. I truly know what they mean when they say " Behind every great man is a great woman."

Tammie attends every practice and game that the kids have. She volunteers for everything that comes up and she cheers louder then any parent on the field. Her pride in her family is a topic that others compliment on. Her love for her family is next to none.

So I say if you see her on the street you can keep your condolences and sadness to your self because she will have no part of it, but you can tell her that she is an inspiration for the strength, positive outlook, and incredible job she has done taking care of Kaylee. I thank God for her and I thank God that she brings comfort to a child who needs nothing else but comfort at these troubling and trying times. I wouldn't wish this sickness on any parent but if your child's number is called I only wish everyone could have a Tammie Lei Quijas in their corner.

Admission...

Kaylee just got admitted in the hospital. It wasn't long after the pain started that the fever started to rise. I was diagnosed with bronchitis today and I hope to God I didn't pass it to her. Tammie is on her own and I'm in charge of getting Christian to school.

I couldn't hug, kiss, or shake hands with my little girl when she left. I'm sick. But to say goodbye with a wave just wasn't right. I never get sick and if I do it doesn't ever deal with lungs. Today when they told me I was developing bronchitis I couldn't believe it. My worst fear is pneumonia. No immune system and pneumonia is a scary combo. What's also scary is the roller coaster of her health. One day she looks like she's getting normal and the next she looks terrible. Her strength, her walk, and motions resemble that of an elderly person or maybe it resembles a sick child with cancer.

She limps and it kills me. I want to see a back hand spring not a limp. Just when it seems we can focus on life besides this sickness, bam, it hits you. This isn't our first hospital stay and it won't be our last, but this one is different. I can't be there and I couldn't say goodbye.

So when you read this next year, in five, or ten years from now I want you to know that I was there and I was with you and I'll always be here for you. Please get better Kaylee Quijas.

Monday...

One of the side effects of chemo is mouth sores. We've been lucky up to this point that Kaylee hasn't been struck with them, but something is wrong today. Her little tongue is swollen and she has pain. We think the sores have arrived. It's so painful that she is crying, and has been all morning. There isn't any thing we can do. The swish & swallow medicine isn't working or helping. So what do you do?

We thought we would sneak by the sore section of this disease. But we were stopped. Its not the first time. We thought we'd get by the hair loss section. But we were stopped. This disease is so painful. Physically and emotionally.

The pain is hurting our baby and you just want it to stop. But it is none stop. Its emotionally draining knowing your kid has cancer but when these additives or side effects start showing up it physically makes you sick. To have a fifteen year old child ask for help is heartbreaking.

I have to be honest. It could be any fifteen year old and it would be devastating. But when it is yours...

Three Forty One...

I can't sleep. I'm tired but still nothing. Its almost four in the morning and the household is sound asleep. Everyone except me. I try but its useless. TV is boring, music isn't working and the pills can't seem to do the job. So I'll write and maybe that'll spark some shut eye.

I can't believe that we've been fighting this cancer for three months now. Kaylee is starting to get some fuzz on that head. She wore her wig to the game on Friday. During the announcements they said that there was a chance of rain during the game. I immediately got worried. Is the wig waterproof? All I could think was we're going to ruin her wig, catch a cold, and run to the car. So I positioned myself closer to the area where she was sitting so I could move into action. It starting raining sometime after we left the game so I didn't have to hurdle the fence and save the day! But I was ready.

Speaking of heads. I was looking at my high school picture and thought about my big neck. I wrestled for years which resulted in a thick neck. Somewhere between 1987 - 2007 my head got bigger than my neck. Its true. When I went to shave my head, to show support for Kaylee, she grabbed me and politely suggested that I keep my hair. What? I said no, I'm going to do this for you. She said really Dad, "Keep the hair." Was she trying to tell me something?

My son is straight forward with his observations. He told me a month ago that I'm missing my earlobes. Missing my earlobes? He says my ears connect at the bottom and therefore eliminating the lobes. Hmmm. I look in the mirror and sure enough, I'm missing the lobes. Thirty eight years and I just became aware that God forgot the lobes. But it gets better.

Christian also informed me that I have a ball at the end of my nose. A ball? Sure enough I look in the mirror and my nose is a little ballsy. Thirty eight years and I never noticed that my nose is ballsy. I have to laugh about it because I never took notice of my lobes or nose. But it took my kid just less than twelve years to figure out my short comings.

Oh, he also told me some years back that I have a strong resemblance to Fred Flintstone. I'm not kidding and he was serious. So I'm thinking just cartoon, but he lets me know that not only could I pass for the cartoon but I could easily be a stand in for John Goodman, who played Fred in the movie. Ouch.

I'd like to say I was offended but his serious and candid comments were sincere. He was just letting me know that I have no earlobes, a ballsy nose, and a strong resemblence to Fred Flintstone. Kaylee has been present during most of these conversations and always says"He's got a point Dad."

So I guess I have abnormalities that I somehow missed during my thirty eight years of living. But leave it to my kids to point it out. This wasn't the best blog but then again its Four Thirty.

Fat Cheeks...

Time is amazing. Its been twenty years since I graduated high school. Sure doesn't feel like twenty years. But whats more amazing is the time I wasted worrying about how I looked in pictures I submitted for the reunion website. Who cares!

So I opened the site tonight and clicked on a name. It was a profile of someone that I didn't know well. I waited for the page to load and when it did something caught my eye. Not only did he have his senior class picture but he had a recent photo next to it. Bald and over weight.

He submitted a picture next to his old one? Hmmmm. I didn't do that. Everyone submits pictures of their family but no one posts updated photos of themselves. Why? Could it be that we look in the mirror and say damn I look different. Maybe everyone will remember me the way I was twenty years ago if I don't show them what I look like now. Maybe that's not the case for some of you but maybe it is for others. I have to say it crossed my mind.

How insignificant are all those thoughts? I have a daughter that lost 30 lbs., just lost her hair and I'm worried about my fat cheeks, triple chins, and gray hair! Worried about what people think of me? Terrible, not to mention petty and shallow.

Back to the classmate. He is balding and over weight yet he still proudly posted his picture. Confident and secure. The two words that I'd use to describe him. I'm impressed and I admire this guy from my graduating class. No, I envy him. I don't like that word but I'll use it tonight. This fellow Shawnee Mission North Alumni said here I am, take it or leave it.

I've really enjoyed looking at pictures of the spouses. I love seeing the different taste among my old classmates. I enjoy looking at photos of people I know with spouses I don't. Did that make sense? I'm curious about every ones story. Where, when and how did they find that person? We go to school with all these different people and everyone ends up with someone. It amazes me that we shared the same hallways yet somewhere along the journey we found people who wanted to share a life with us. Have kids, get a mortgage, and share a bank account. Wow!

It blows my mind to think that someone from my Science or English class was pursued, courted, and proposed to. Throw in the kids and you have a family. Maybe its all an illusion. Maybe I just want everyone to be happy and carefree because I'm sad one day, miserable the next, and happy on the third. Who knows and who cares? But I want you to know that I knew your loved one when they had the 80's hair, pastel jeans and Huarache Sandals.

So if you can walk into the reunion, and you have your health then who cares what you look like. Some of us have bigger things on our plate besides Pilate's and fruit smoothies. So lets have some fun and lets share some stories. By the way Rick Campbell, nice job!

Risky...

I had my bags packed last night as I waited for Kaylee's temperature to rise .5 degrees. I was ready to move into action but the enemy retreated and we didn't have to go to the hospital. Kay's temps went down almost the minute mom came home. Tammie got here at 12:30 and it rapidly dropped from there. You Super Hero!

It goes to show I'm not the Florence Nightingale of the family. I do take pride in that I'm the fun one. If you want to go to a ball game, a concert, or have to plan a party then come and see dad. A cough, a fever, or leukemia you might want to see mom. But its the balance and roles played within the family that makes it a well oiled machine.

Tammie said Kaylee's lucky that she doesn't have to battle the night time alone. Night time? Well it dawned on me this morning she's right. The darkest time of the day is night. Confused? Well let me explain. The hardest and loneliness time is when you go to bed. You lay there and think. Maybe not for all, but I can testify to this fact.

Right now I'm battling insomnia. I got to bed at 4:00 am almost nightly, and wake at 8:00. I usually wake at 8:17. I swear its true. I'll look at the clock and its 8:17. How painful is it to be working on four hours of sleep per night. But anyhoo, it means Kaylee knows I'm up when she is. We sometimes will go for a late night QT run. We've had movie night on a week night until 3:00 am. So I'll wait out the night with her. I usually last longer then she does, so she has a partner for the night.

Thursday I went in and told her at 12:30 am that she's going to have a hard time adjusting once she can go back to school. She looked at me and said "I wish I could go to school." I said its only a matter of time. I look forward to taking her to school. Last year I dropped her off every morning at 7:15. This year, I find it hard to drive down Ward Rd. towards Lee's Summit West during school hours. I took it for granted last year, I even looked at it as an inconveinence. I couldn't believe she was too cool to ride the bus. She won the battle and I drove the car. 7:15.

I would do anything to make that drive. Last year was her first year of High School and we couldn't do certain things. Well I couldn't. No singing, no kissing, and I had to wear a hat. No kidding! We were not going to draw any kind of attention. But looking back now it's clear, she just wanted to fit in. How important and critical is that? Just fit in. Now she has her parents on the Titan TV Show, the kids in the stands chanting K-A-Y-L-E-E, and her principle talking with Dad. Lets just fit in.

Mad

I'm quarantined due to a cough and runny nose, so I've been writing all day. My blog and my book. I hate that I'm around Kay as I don't feel good but Tammie had plans and it is what it is. Her leaving made me mad. I'm not really sure why. Tammie didn't know that Kaylee was going to have a fever and I'd be battling my little bug when she made plans. I know that, and I also know it's healthy for her to leave this house and have some fun with friends. I just hate going into Kays room when I'm sick, its so risky.


I am so sick of being mad. Its not my nature to be mad and I find that I'm pissed. Pissed that my daughter is sick, pissed that we are imprisoned, and pissed my head isn't right. What a waste of precious energy.

We have to watch our daughter, our son, and our family. Kays temp, Christians well being, and the fact that something like this can make or break a family. We're ok, there's not a moving truck in the drive way or a departure note on the fridge. It's something you have to be aware of. Oh by the way, I'm pissed about work too.

Its so hard to have to work and more importantly sell ads. Its all about personality and I don't have it right now. My skills have disappeared. I just don't care. I'm trying but my smile is fake and my attention is elsewhere. I've reached out to the advertising community for help but no one has responded yet.


If there was someway I could tell the business community that I have ad space available in the top restaurants and nightclubs it would be such a big help. I know it sounds crazy but I'm mad that someone wouldn't say, hey this guy needs our help. It's only business and maybe something good will come of this whole ordeal. Where's that tipping point?


I've worked hard at this and would hate to see it collapse but if my ad sales don't come around I might be scooping ice cream at Baskin Robins sooner then later. Maybe I'm confused, maybe exhausted, or maybe I am mad. Who knows.

Heading South...

Kaylee is feverish and it looks like it keeps rising. We are going to the hospital. It is .5 from the the temp that lands us in the hospital. I'm home alone with Kay tonight and it looks like I'll be a visitor at Children's Mercy in the next hour.

I hate checking in because we have to go through the E.R.. So many sick kids and dangerous. When you have no immune system anything can get you sick in there. Kaylee looks good but her head is hot. I hate the hospital. It is terrible to say that but I'm so sick of making her go. Appointments and unplanned visits wear you down. We are lucky to have Children's Mercy so close, so its not the hospital but the disease that I hate. Sorry CMH!

Kay and I are waiting until 10:22 to check the temp again. Tammie is out with her friends and I'm the captain of this ship tonight. So our course might be north to the hospital if the health heads south.

So what are your plans tonight?

I have to tell you something...

My daughter is such a good person. I can say that honestly. I'm not turning her into a saint because of all this. She is truly a good person. She is kind, considerate, caring, loving, and mine. I wouldn't want anyone else. If I could upgrade I wouldn't. If I could trade in I couldn't. I love my kid. I love my kids.

I have never had one problem with her. Well there was the time that the cops called me and said she had taken hostages, the two felony convictions, and the under the influence charge that was dismissed, but besides that she's been pretty good. Just playing! No problems at all.

We have been blessed with great children. I sometimes go back to my childhood and think what a difference between my younger years and theirs. I don't know if it was different back then or if it was Catholic schooling, but we pushed the envelope. Sorry Sister Marcela.

I watch my child at the games and how she lives for her friends and wonder if its because we did good raising her or we were just blessed with a good kid. I'm not sure and really don't care how I lucked out, but Thank You! Sorry Mom if I gave you problems. I'm not dead, in jail, or walking hopelessly down Southwest Boulevard. We're O.K.!

Good Morning West Virginia...

I wonder if my daughter wakes up and thinks this has all been a bad dream. I usually go in her room before I leave in the morning to say good bye. She is always sleeping so I kiss her head. It is such a pretty head. I'm not just saying that either. Yesterday I thought how cute is that head. Her body was completely covered with a blanket except the very top of her head. I gave it a little peck and out the door I went.



When I was a child and an adult I had a way of "getting picked". I was always the one who got picked in a room when they would say "would someone come up to help.....?" When I was 22 I was picked on the Price is Right, ouch. I'm not kidding, I could be in an auditorium with 2000 people and someone on stage would say, "Hey you-can you come on stage for a moment."



This Leukemia is one stage I'd rather not be on right now. The principle and me were talking at the game last night. I thanked her for everything she has done to make my baby comfortable and for the seamless transition from in-schooled to home-schooled. But I don't want to be talking to the principle, the counselors, teachers, or hallway monitors . I'm not being disrespectful, sorry, I just want to blend in. I've had enough attention to last a life time. But the Quijas calling was yelled again. This time it wasn't Bob Barker saying "come on down Michael Quijas" but the cancer calling "Kaylee".



"Hey Rod-tell Kaylee what she's won! Well Bob- Kaylee Quijas is going to spend countless days in the hospital, she'll be stuck with so many needles that they will surgically put a port in her body so her veins won't collapse, she'll consume more pills in two years then a normal person will take in a life time, and for the real kicker Bob-Kaylee might not make it!"



Kaylee is and will make it, but to have a doctor tell you odds or stats or survival rates of your kid makes you sick. If you would of said there is a 23% chance Kaylee might not get married, 2% chance she'll end up in a trailer in West Virginia, 52% chance she'll get divorced, I'd say alright, I'll take those stats or percents. But you can keep fatality, mortality, and survival rates to yourself. I don't want to be associated with those kinds of numbers. Not for me and especially not for my children.



I have to believe that God has a plan for us and we are on course for whatever that plan holds. I never thought it would involve Kaylee and cancer but who am I to question God's will. I just want Kaylee to get better and start on her mission in life.

Mission? Well if its living in a trailer in West Virginia we need to head east!

Suckered!

I took Kaylee to the football game this evening. We played Park Hill and played great. We left early in the 4th Qtr. and didn't see who won. But we were winning 7-0 when we made our departure.

I was told that the Quarterback - Jake Johnson #19 - named one of the game balls after my daughter. How awesome is that? Some guy named Jake, Jake Johnson, a senior, a Quarterback, a popular guy, dedicating the winning ball to my daughter. Kaylee Marie Quijas. I'm sure it was just, Kaylee, but Jake Johnson you're my hero.

But back to the ball game. I took Kaylee, and Tammie went to Christians baseball games. He played in a tournament in Blue Springs, MO.. He pitched the whole game and and had a spectacular evening with the bat. I never played baseball but wrestled and played football. My son finds it hard to think I played anything and lets me know this. Its the age and the fact that he knows me only as Daddy. Its all good.

Kaylee has no immune system. Since it wasn't in an enclosed area, we let her go. She so enjoys the interaction and attention. I don't blame her. I would want to do the same if I was her. But there are precautions one takes. The mask being top priority. But she didn't wear one and when I asked she said it was in her purse. Well her purse was next to her. I said put it on and she looks at me like only a daughter could and says "Daddy I don't want to wear it, please?" Well me being dad and sympathetic to her just wanting to forget about the cancer for a few hours says O.K..

Well it is unacceptable and stupid for me to take emotions over logic. But I did. Suckered! I won't let it happen again. No immune, no mask, no way! I'll admit I'm weak when it comes to Kaylee. There's something about those eyes and that voice that gets me.

So lets recap the last 3 months - an event held in your honor, a digital billboard, and a game ball. Oh, I almost forgot, Leukemia!

Jerry's Bait Shop Event

Gin Blossoms and Pepper Steak?

Memories are golden, history is priceless. It doesn't really matter the amount of time spent with someone but what you take from that time.

I am coming up on my 20 year high school reunion and I have thought a lot about my memories. I remember so much from my younger years and count back the years. Everyone has moved in different directions and taken certain paths.

I think of the 20 years. I might not know most of the people there, I might not know the people I thought I knew 20-23 years ago. But it doesn't matter because those memories have aged and are priceless. I talked with a friend I hadn't seen in years and we talked of certain times, events, and circumstances and it was golden. Those times were care free and growing years. Most of us are caught up in careers, children and relationships. The things that matter. But its those memories from simple times that seem sooo far back that mean so much. It was the few years that shaped us.

I hope that we are able to attend and if everything goes the way it has recently, we should. I have received so many emails commenting on my blog. These messages have come from friends, classmates, and strangers. The message usually starts the same - you probably don't remember me - hell, it doesn't matter if I don't remember the color of your eyes or if you didn't know my sister's names. If you remember me from 10th grade English or 9th grade Biology that means we have history. If I remember you or if you remember me, that's priceless.

I want Kaylee to be 38 and get that email. Do you remember me?

No Apologies...

I thought some of you might want to see a video of our family in a Lee's Summit West High School interview. I'm alittle occupied these days to worry about petty issues but I'd still like to ask "Please excuse the extra chins and gray hair."

This blog has put me in touch with so many people. Its gained some attention since the time I started and it's a little strange. I think I've talked to or communicated with several people from the past, I've had mothers at the grocery store tell me that they read my blog, and all this started from my fear for Kaylee's health. I read back when this started and it was my fear that Kaylee Quijas wasn't known. My Super-Star didn't come up on Google. I started posting her name. I'm not sure what that meant or what good it would do but I wanted people to know my kid.

I do business with people all day and none o f them know my daughter. Who cares? Well when something like this happens I start thinking about my relationships. Do these people I'm around throughout the day know I have the most polite, courteous, beautiful, talented, gifted, giving, thoughtful, friendly, charismatic, charming, child in town? No they don't because that's my private side. My decision that day was to let as many people know about my darling as possible. I'm going to share my story with the world. I going to yell it loud and proud that this person is my life. I'd much rather take condolences from people that know Kaylee, even if not personally, but through me. I didn't want apologies from someone that didn't or doesn't know my kid, no way! If my putting it out there makes someone say "well, he sure is broadcasting his life" well you have it right. I did, I am, and I will tell my story because everyone should have the privilege to know Kaylee Marie Quijas!

Digging With A Spoon...

2:56 am - I lay here trying to sleep but can't. I keep thinking about so many things. Kaylee, my family, my business. I've struggled for so long to get my life in harmony and it seems there's always an obstacle. I can't explain it, if you know me or have known me then you know I've always been on a up hill battle.


As a kid it was poverty. As a young adult it was different battles. Now it's this disease and the scare and worry. I can't win. When I do the right things and try to live right, I'm hit with hurdles. I just regret the unhealthy child card. It hits you hard. Emotionally and mentally it is exhausting. The smoke alarm detector chirping due to a low battery isn't helping either.

I told Tammie this morning that I'm so tired. The physical kind of tired. The hospital wears me out. Its like digging a ditch with a spoon. No kidding. But then the night comes and when I should get rested, I can't sleep. Torture. This whole ordeal is tiring.

I'm also bugged that my right hand man at work dissappears. I can't micro-manage at this point but he is no where to be found. I really can't worry about him at these times but he's jacking with my money. I really don't care but I do because you'd think someone so close to me and my business dealings would be understanding and rise to the occasion of running things. For me and my family. But I guess you find out who is there and who isn't when these things strike.

I'm still sick from all of this, and wish I was stronger. I'm not sure what I'm suppose to do. It looks clear when I step back, but when I get in there to do something it gets to be the same old same old. Work takes care of everything. But I can't focus, maybe it will change soon.

I've seen some dark days and have survived. But this moment in life is one for the books for certain. I would do anything to have my old problems. So my advice to you is - if it doesn't have to do with health then your fine. If you go through tough times, its part of the journey. If you think its the end of the world because you lose a job, or find it financially tough because of this or that its not that bad. I've seen it all. But I keep with me the words of a mother in the cancer unit "No matter how bad you have it, there's someone with a story worst than you"

UNPREDICTABLE

Me and Kaylee checked into the hospital last night. Her fever rose to 102 and we made the trip to the Children's Mercy ER. They put us in a clean room, germ free, in the ER. I'm not so certain that it is a "clean room" but we're segregated from the ER population. The people there are always nice and move Kaylee quickly.

I can't explain the uncertainty of this thing. I was sooooo comfortable last night and its like enemy troops moving in. A battlefield! That's what it's like. War. I'm comfortable and ready to relax and that siren,sound, or bomb goes off. We have to move and move quickly. The fever is the battle of the night and Leukemia is our enemy!

We drive, just Kaylee and I, to the hospital. She is geared for the cold temps in the hospital. She has a beany cap, a hoodie on, sweats, and UG boots. She tops it off with a mask. She resembles the uni-bomber. But I watch her as she travels. She's in a pissy mood to start. But she observes out the window the entire time. I want to know what shes thinking.

They say I asked too many questions, and I do. But I want to know what shes thinking. That's some powerful stuff right now. What is a 15 yr. old thinking as she drives to the hospital at 9:55 pm? Sorrow, anger, sadness, relief? I want to know, I want to document it. I need the info for later. I asked and she says"Whats it matter?"

I get mad. I won't lie. I wonder if she realizes that I don't want to put shorts on and drive 30 minutes to the hospital. It's an inconvenience for me too. That sounds bad, but it is true. I wanted to finish the San Diego vs. New England game. But I have priorities, and if I want ask a question then I think I deserve an answer. We're all in this thing together. But if we're going to battle I want to know all about the enemy.

Her counts were good after doing blood work. The fever dropped and we were discharged early this morning. But I'm tired. I'm suppose to be all smiles and head to the office but I'm tired. Is it ok to sleep in if you were in the hospital until morning? Well I own the business and I say yes it is ok. So if you call and don't get an answer then you know why!

Random Arrival

Our event on August 27, 2006, was a success. The community showed up and some old friends as well. But the biggest surprise was Keith Padgett. I have not seen him since high school and he made the trip to Lee's Summit for my kid. He brought his wife and kids. It was a pleasant surprise.

The bands, the people, and the generousity was overwhelming. Everyone there made the night a memorable one. I thought I was going to be consumed with entertaining and talking. But the night flowed and we made it through. I didn't get to talk with everyone for as long as I'd like to have.

Keith's arrival was different. He drove across the city to attend something for my family. He made time to come. He doesn't know me besides high school. But he showed his support and I thank him. I can honestly say that we never talked on the phone. I never stayed the night or had dinner with him or his family in high school. I think I did stay the night once. But the parents were out of town.

Keith is a father and husband. I'm sure he is sympathetic to our situation. Like most parents would be and are. I thank you Mr. & Mrs. Padgett for your attendance!

Predictions

We won like I predicted. Kaylee had a great time and stayed with the cheerleaders on the track during the game. She sat the entire time and looked as if she really enjoyed the evening. I worried when the temps dropped. She was ready to leave at the beginning of the 4th Quarter. We came home and relaxed.

Kays temp keeps rising. 99. 100, 100.5, 101 and the next .5 puts us in the hospital. So I predict we will be in the hospital some time tonight. I'm so comfortable right now. I just got home from my brother-in-laws 30 year work reunion party. He is a KCK cop who has had thirty years active duty. Nicky Vega.

Back to the prediction. Sunday night is relaxation time. Relaxation for everyone. Even for a child fighting cancer. So please let my prediction go to hell , and let that temp drop. Please. But if I have to, I'll be the first one in the car ready to go. My reality. My hand. My child.

Sector

I am proud to announce that Kaylee has officially made it to the big screen. Not a feature film but a digital billboard. You've seen them popping up all over town. Those giant video screens that feature advertising. Well Kay is on the Lee's Summit billboard at 3rd St. and 50 Hwy..

The staff at Lamar Outdoor was kind enough to let us say thank you on their screen. I was looking for a unique way to say thank you and I think I found it. Bob, Leanne, and everyone was fantastic. What do you think? The camera shakes and the volume won't work, but you get the idea.



Thank you Lamar Outdoor for donating the spot on your digital screen. Once again we are amazed at the support from the private sector as well as the business sector.

Sector? My word tonight. Sector. Sector.Sectoooooooooor!

SIX FOR FOUR

Today is the big day. Football for a girl who has done nothing since June 21, 2007. Excitement.

But I want to share a story. Sometime around June 21-30 my baby girl needed platlets. I'd like to give you an exact definition of what it is but it has to do with blood. So it is 12 am and she needs it badly. So we waited, and waited. I asked where are these platlets? They said, the nurses, that the bag of platlets were in St.Louis. They would be dropped by Helicopter or State Police. Never was a big fan of cops but whatever. Always kind of scared me, radar,tickets, a hard time.

Sometime around 4 am they mysteriously arrive. In a big town hospital the nurse wouldn't have much info but being in Columbia they are more hands on.

I asked how did they arrive? He said that a Highway Patrol drove 2 hours-4 hours round trip with lights on to get them there. I cried. This man or woman, who just like us, started his shift and unknowingly got a bag of life for Kaylee Marie Quijas. He drove hours for someone he didn't know, not his daughter,neice,nephew, or cousin but my kid. I have so much respect for these people who do things most of us would never think or should have to think of. Thank you!

Back to the football game. All week Kaylee has been so excited. But let me tell you the preperation it takes. Today just to go Kaylee has to go to Mercy Hospital and sit there for 6 hours for blood and platlets just to go. Her day will be occupied for hours just so she can enjoy one night, maybe 4 hours. I admire her and Tammie, and I admire those Titan football players because we're going to get a win for Kaylee tonight. But next time you see a blood bank, please donate because it might be your kid sitting for 6 hours for 4 hours of fun.

Arrested

Do I have your attention? Well I haven't been arrested and more importantly neither has Kaylee. But we do feel handcuffed when we're doing chemo. Kaylee did chemo, strong stuff, yesterday. We got home and she started having allergic reactions. Scary.

My girl is running low on blood & platlets and she will go to the hospital, for hours, for these important components. The reason my child needs them is she because she is going to her football game tomorrow. She is soooo excited. But we have to do these time consuming things so its possible for her to enjoy 3 hours of pleasure.

We play Hickman Mills tomorrow, and we're ready for some football. So many people are excited to see Kay. Everyone is excited to see her. Everyone knows who she is. I know she had a big friend pool before but since it was brought to the attention of the school population, everyone knows who she is. Tough way to get popular.

Chicken Parmesan

I invite you to look at my baby girl on www.youtube.com , her link is on this blog but here it is, http://www.youtube.com/mquijas , and look how beautiful she is. On this video player double click the play icon, but it is not playing sound, atleast not for me. It does on youtube.com. The video is only 30 sec. and it is hard to understand, but look how she smiles and takes everything in stride. I look at it and think how she smiles when says that her friends are bringing dinner over, just for her.

The weird thing is I'd never look at something sad on the internet or I would never type in leukemia in the search bar of google or youtube. It is tough to view your kid in something other then a dance recital, or a homemade music video. We're in our own category for now anyways. I've watched a few tear jerkers on the utube. But it was so different 2-3 months ago. That was someone far & distant, it was some one else, it was someones sad and terrible story in some other universe. But fraternity's have a way of getting members. Just when you think not my family, BAM! They say God only gives those things to people who can handle it. Maybe we should of acted weaker. I'm done with this blog.

A Request for Help...

Dear Rachel Hack,

I write to you asking for help. On June 21,2007 my daughter Kaylee Quijas, a 15 yr. old sophomore at Lee's Summit West High, was diagnosed with Leukemia. I have spent more days then not in the Hospital attending to my sick child.



I own a company called In Ad TV that plays video advertising in Kansas City restaurants, the restrooms to be exact. These commercials play in 15-30 second formats w/ sound. I am offering any one who has produced material free ad space.



I am a one man show who needs to keep the product fresh and at this time I find it difficult to do considering my family crisis. If any of the members could help me during this time I'd appreciate it. www.inadtv.com



Best Regards,

Michael Quijas

816.651.9471


I sent this email out to the Advertising Director of the Advertising Club of Kansas City. She immediately responded and included my message in her September newsletter.
Once again the support from people, not Directors,Presidents, or Ceo's, but people (Mothers,Fathers,Brothers,Sisters,Wives, and Husbands)is amazing.

I have to have interesting content, and a fresh product. It has been a struggle but everyday something special happens and it reinforces my faith in the human race.
Thank you AD CLUB of KC!

Inflicted

I've been writing a book for the last 10 years and I've finally found my title. Inflicted. It is appropriate for the the way things have been going. For years it was called "Come On Down" and was named that for my appearance and flop on the Price Is Right. If you saw it, I'm sorry and if you didn't thank God. I can write when I have a title for a chapter,blog, or a book. But I just didn't feel Come On Down once this crisis started. So I put the book down and focused on blogs. The response to the blogs has been incredible as far as keeping people updated on Kay and putting me in contact with long lost friends. So its been good.


The problem, if any, is that to write about my feelings it sounds so depressing. Do we have major things going on? Of course. The disease is a life changing event for our family that will be tough for 2-2.5 years. But our outlook is great. My emotions that I discuss are personal and confident but I'm broadcasting them to everyone that can read. Where do you draw the line? I enjoy writing but maybe if I had an interest like butterfly watching it could be considered educational. But the things I want to write about are me and my perspective on our life. Is that bad? I've found it therapeutic and a release when I needed it most.

So until I buy binoculars and a net to catch butterflies you're stuck with my emotions and thoughts.

Ankle Weights

September 9,2007 - Kaylee is getting stronger. Mentally & Physically. Last night she had 2 friends stay the night. Wow. We were reluctant at first but Kay said it was something she needed. Needed?

I guess it is the social aspect of her life that I was so worried about. Silly. I guess I was combing through the whole situation and was trying to bring harmony to the whole situation. Her health being top priority, but I was worried that everyone was going to leave her behind. Well I had it in my head that that wasn't going to happen. So I tried talking about it time and time again with Kaylee. She wanted no part of the conversation. She was taking it one day at a time. I finally got it. Kaylee knows what she needs and she knows if she needs to talk I'll be there.

Needs. Needs are amazing. It could be a bottle if you're a baby, school clothes, an ear to talk to, or a roof over your head. As a person, man, husband, or father it is mind blowing the needs you have to meet. I'm talking about my life. I know there's different dynamics of every life. But I believe it is the way you deal with these needs.

A single mother, a widowed mate, or any other configuration of life's hands. We either step up to the responsibility or we run. I try to be a good provider. But what is a good provider? I've got my faults. But in general I think I'm a good person. I've been dealt my hand and I've been playing it. Could I do things better? Of course.

Is it a fancy car or a big house? Is it being at the office 70-80 hours a week and detached from the family so you can have the best of the materialistic things? Is that it? Is it living right and doing the right things that bring the most rewards? Is the guy who drives a Hyundai and is close to his kids of more value then the guy driving the Benz, working 80 hrs. a week, with little interaction with his kids? Who's the judge? Maybe its the guy that has the whole package that I'm trying to be.

I can tell you we struggle at times. I am a guy that has never had a "real job". I never finished college. But I have my own talents. Sales & vision. I have these visions and go with it. But I have to sell my vision to others. I have to sell my dreams to my team of people who can implement my vision. TVs above urinals? TVs in mirrors? TVs in clothing? Come on lets be honest, it takes a talented salesman to make other people do what hasn't been done before.

But it is these years of struggle that I intend to make my children's future more secure than my parents and their parents. We've all made it this far but I so want to make something special for my family.

I actually caught myself thinking how bad I feel for my children. They got me out of the parent pool. I thought this the other night as I dropped my son off at this enormous home in an exclusive neighborhood. Big car in the drive way. Manicured lawn. Theatre room. Plasmas everywhere. It was merely the materialistic side that these thoughts came from.

But reality smacked me as I drove off in my Hyundai and went shopping for ankle weights for my child that has cancer. Ankle weights is the need of the moment and my reality!