That Day...

I woke up today and thought back to June 21, 2007. The day they uttered those words CANCER. It's been 3 months and our lives have changed so much. Everything is planned, and spontaneity has departed. We need to check tempatures on a regular basis and hospitalization is always a degree away.




We headed out of the house around 6:30 am and met the baseball team at McDonalds. I knew Kaylee was sick, it was obvious, but I knew she was really sick when she didn't want to go to my sisters house and relax instead of driving with us. She needed to be by us, regardless of the long drive to Columbia,MO.


Tammie and Christian drove separately. Christian with some team mates, Tammie with a mother driving solo. Kaylee and I followed. I remember the morning well. It was going to be a beautiful day. My only concern for the day was Kaylee and her flu.



Our drive was uneventful, and smooth. Kaylee was trying to sleep and I had ten cars in the caravan, so it was kind of fun. One of us would pull out of the formation and make a pass. Back and forth. But both Kaylee and I remember certain things that morning.



The music. We heard John Cougar Mellencamp's song "Jack and Diane" three times. Elton John several times, and the news that Verizon Amphitheatre was closing. June 21, 2007.


The weird thing was the Jack and Diane song. I've since listened to it several times and can find no meaning to our situation. But it does remind me of my youth. It was released in 1982. Roughly the same time when I was Kays age. Was it that?




When we were just outside Columbia I decided to head to the hotel. Check-in time was six hours away but I wanted to get Kaylee in the room if at all possible. The sun was out fully and it was hot. I would get us checked in early, Kay could relax in the a/c, and I would join the team at the field and that's exactly what we did. I went to the room, fired up the air on high, purchased some cold beverages, made sure Kay was comfortable and headed to the fields. Kaylee was sick. Sick in a different way. Not much of anything. No vomiting, no sore this, no sore that, just sick.


While we were at the game we kept calling to check on Kay. She said she was fine. So when the game let out we hopped in the car and drove back to the hotel, stopping only to grab some Wendy's for the family.


Kaylee was relieved we were back. You could tell. She nibbled her food and watched TV. Just as we were relaxing the coach called and said we were all heading out to eat pizza. Get ready. I looked at Kaylee and Tammie and said "I'll stay with Kaylee and you go enjoy yourself." Kaylee was happy. She was scared to be by herself, she was sick. Tammie grabbed the keys and the boy and headed out.



Kaylee and I watched TV. It was a cartoon, not Family Guy, but the show with the dad named Hank - King of the Hill! It was hilarious. I got tired so I went in the other room to lay down. This hotel room was a two room suite. So it let us stretch a bit. I fell a sleep but woke when I heard Kaylee crying. Tammie was back and Kay had been bleeding from her nose, she was sick, and I heard the conversation she was having with her mom. She said she was the sickest she had ever been and she was scared. Scared? We have been sick countless other times. The sickest? Strong words. I jumped out of bed immediately and said "Get dressed I'm taking you to the doctor." And that's what I did.

We found the University Hospital, found Urgent Care, and found ourselves at the check in desk.


I filled out the paper work and they got Kay in, in less then 5 minutes. Quick I thought to myself. But I think the lady saw something we didn't. Kay was turning yellow. I thought it was her sun tan from Florida. But I think it didn't take long for a professional to know there was something really wrong.




Kaylee headed back and I told the nurse of her symptoms. Hmmm. The nurse left and the doctor came in. This guy was Vietnamese and not much of a sense of humor. I tried a couple jokes, nothing. But looking back now I'm glad because he was all business and that's what we needed. We needed to take care of business so I could get back to the hotel and get poolside, and have a cold beer.



He examined her and said, "this is serious." Serious, right, lets get the shot and lets get the hell out of here. He left and they took blood, and the vitals. Enough already. Lets go. We waited and waited. They came back and said they needed a urine sample. So they gave Kay a cup or something and I thought I'd sure like to help Kay hold the gown or something but it was invasive. So I told Kay good luck with your gown and hope you aim good.


I went into the hall way and it started. The nurse said "can I get you anything?", another said "are you o.k.?" and yet a third said "it'll be alright." What the hell? I called Tammie and said "you better get here." Tammie said why? I told her that Kay needed her help for some girly things. She would be better to be by her side then me. This was my way of getting her there without scaring her. But I needed her because something didn't feel right.



Tammie arrived and the doctor came in. He said again"this isn't good" and I looked at him. He was saying something, but not saying it. I asked if he would go in the hall with me. We stepped out and I asked what wasn't good? He said she would be admitted to the ICU and we needed to get going on this. Going on what? He said "you know its not good", I swear he said that. That's when it scared the shit out of me. I said "Doctor I'm sensing the test results aren't back yet and you are being politically correct, and cautious with your words but have you ever seen something like this?"




He answered, yes. Well what does it look like I asked. Leukemia. What did you say? Leukemia? It had all the makings of cancer. What? What! What. He had to be wrong because I don't know how to spell leukemia, I've never used cancer and my kids in the same sentence, I never considered, thought, or imagined cancer and kids. I never saw it coming.




Tammie was standing with me but I don't remember her falling, gasping, or yelling. She was already thinking about our next move. Strong! We would be transferred to the ICU immediately. We went in and told Kay that the tests weren't in and we'd be going into the hospital for observation and fluids. She didn't know the truth because we didn't know the truth.





I just hoped they were wrong. But they had already mentioned the words and we were sick. I called my mom. A cancer survivor, and my mom. She would have something to say to help me out. When I told her she got mad. She said "you don't say that if you don't know!" She had a point but we knew, the doctor knew, and the staff knew, something wasn't right. My mom was just being an individual, not some super power woman, just a mom and grandmother. Don't even mention the word if you don't know. I love my mom!



We headed up to the ICU and waited for our room. It was some time before we got in and Kaylee started to turn yellow. She started changing colors and her eyes started to glow. I hate myself for not recognizing the jaundice sooner but we went to Urgent Care two days earlier and they didn't notice. A Florida sun tan.



I stepped out for a moment and came back. The cancer doctor was talking to Tammie and took us to this little comfort room. They had already told Tammie that the results were in, and they were letting me know. Yes, it was cancer, leukemia, and we needed to act immediately. So I asked how should we tell Kaylee? Oh, we already told her. I was mad. I wanted to be there for the devastating news, I'm the comforting one, Tammie is the matter of fact one. But it was too late. I missed out. They said it was their obligation to tell Tammie and all of us as soon as they knew. Plus Kaylee is almost an adult. Tammie was the comforting one this time, and she did a good job.





Try to imagine sitting in a doctor’s office and being diagnosed with cancer, or worst yet imagine your child being diagnosed. In this paralyzing moment, whatever was consuming your life minutes before suddenly disappears far into the background as you face completely new and seemingly terrifying territory. Though you may feel as if time has stopped, you must go on. But what is your next move?




Tammie had already called her mother, sister-in-law, and my sister Kelly. Everyone was heading to Columbia. I had to go to the hotel and break the news to Christian. When I arrived he was sitting by himself next to the office with his head down. Someone must of said something. He ran to me and asked "Is she going to be ok?" I assured him we would be fine.




I went to the pool were everyone was and it started. Nobody knew what to say. There they were enjoying themselves, like they should, like we should have, and the awkward position with a guy who just found out his fourteen year old has cancer. I made an announcement.




I said, "I don't know what to say, and I'm sure you don't know what to say, just pray for my daughter." I grabbed Christian and we talked alone. He was devastated. We were devastated. But I had to go and he was on his own, with one of the families of course, at least for the night.

I wake up some mornings and think back. I think back to what our life used to be. It was fast paced and unpredictable. Today it has slowed down, but still unpredictable. What wasn't in perspective is. Our reality and our lives have changed. We know what matters and what doesn't matter. Our focus is on health, and family. Two things that can change rather quickly. We don't know what our future holds but we do know we're going to enjoy our moment and pray for a promising future.