My Favorite Couple...Us!

The Drive-Thru Window

Kaylee went to the doctor yesterday for her follow up regarding her recent shoulder replacement. The doctor said it looks good and is amazed at her tolerance for pain. This tolerance is attributed to the pain she had been living with for such a long time regarding her bone deterioration. The shoulder looks good and she is recovering just fine.

It is so surreal to see such a young person, especially your child, having so many medical issues. Kaylee's life has been altered because of all this. While her friends are working,going to school, and living as you'd expect, her world is centered around medical appointments, procedures, and physical limitations. Not a life I had envisioned for her. But the key word here is - "LIFE".

When all the traumatic events unfolded, way back when, with the doctor saying "sorry it's cancer" I literally fell to my knees and begged God to leave her here. At any cost. I didn't want him to take her from us. At one point I pleaded that he could take anything from her - legs, hands, torso, anything - just let here be with us. It's amazing what you will do when you think you're about to loose something, especially a child. 

I have so many friendships that were established from our long stays at Children's Mercy Hospital. Unfortunately, some of those friendships are with parents whose children didn't make it. So heartbreaking. Especially when you know them, the kids, and the fight they went through. It's so close to home and relevant to your life that you almost keep your distance. I mean you feel their pain and you cry because your heart hurts so bad but at the end of the day you know you are in the same pool when medical professionals are talking to you about percentages, mortality rates, and statics. Scary shit!   

I think back to day the doctors told us about the cancer. Me and Tammie, not being an Oncologist or anything close to it, were forced to make decisions regarding treatment. I think they gave us a twenty minute talk about options. Option one) accept a treatment that has worked well since 1972. Or Option 2) take part in a study that has even better results then the 25 yr. old procedure but roll the dice on the side-effects and unknowns.

The door shuts. Hmm? "What do you think Tammie?" She replies, "I have know idea." All the while I'm thinking, I have trouble effectively ordering food from a drive-thru window and I am suppose to make a decision on cancer treatments for the most important thing in my life. Finally I said "lets ask the doctor what he would do if it was his kid OR we can flip a coin." We asked the doctor. Being put in the position to make a decision like that is very difficult. But we made it and the treatment worked. Unfortunately Kaylee got stuck with some ugly and debilitating side-effects but she's here and that's what matters most.

If these bone issues are what we have to deal with, then so be it, I'm fine with that as a parent. I'm just glad he didn't take her. I will be glad when we can get this behind us and move on. It seems like it never ends as far as having commitments and obligations to issues that surrounded the leukemia. Appointments, surgeries, and up & downs. But I will tell you this, no matter what comes our way, I will fight and do whatever it takes for my daughter or anyone else that may need help. Speaking from experience, with Kaylee and Landen, being inside a room, trying to make a life or death decision for your child, is the worst and most difficult thing I think a person could ever face. If you've been there then you know what I mean. It's something I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I'm just glad Kaylee's here. She is such a beautiful person. I've never heard her complain or take pity for herself. She takes everything in stride and stays strong around us even when I know she's feeling low. She's had a few limitations the last few years because of the illness but she lives life on her terms. She isn't a little girl any more and with all she's had to deal with she probably had to grow up a little faster than other children. My daughter and her life is a blessing.

Something Isn't Right

I made it through the scare of losing Kaylee to leukemia. A roller coaster ride that lasted years. But just as that nightmare ended, another one started. My son Landen, a beautiful and healthy 20 yr. old boy, was killed while riding his skateboard in San Marcos, CA. The death, delivered by a hit and run driver, has left me lost and devastated. My head hasn't been right and my heart hurts beyond words. I'm damaged.

I know you're suppose to grieve and come to terms with situations but I feel like I am sick. The illness that struck Kaylee combined with the loss of Landen has left me drained. It has sunk me so far into depression that I pray each night for the strength to make it through the next day. I have no one to talk because I feel like no one understands. I find it hard to go to sleep because I don't want to wake up or face the next day. I haven't received any professional help, which I need badly, because it's a service I can't afford at the moment. My family is also suffering. They know something isn't right with dad.

I'm so disappointed with myself because I feel I've let so many people down. I spent so many years trying to help others and do kind things but now I can't even help myself. So many things have turned bad. I have always taken care of my family but I have fallen down and I haven't been able to pick myself up. Financially I have went belly-up. My drive and ambition disappeared January 13, 2012. The day Landen was pulled from life support.

Sometimes I think how bad things were when we spent nearly two years in the hospital with Kaylee. I try to find strength in those sad days. Days we sat there not knowing what was going to happen next. Days we would have given anything to have our little girl's health back. But it's hard to compare because I have to deal with the fact that my boy is dead. A young man who had a whole life ahead of him. I sometimes wish I was with him because I don't want him to be alone.

Sadness, sadness from heartbreak and loss, physically hurts. My heart beats but it feels broken. I had so many things I needed to say to him. I wanted to watch him surf. I wanted to watch him get married. I wanted to see him become a man. A great man. Those things will never come now and it hurts. So many people say he's in a better place but that doesn't always help. It's something you say because there isn't anything else to say.

Kaylee had a shoulder replacement last week. She's been in bed recuperating. She's been sleeping propped up with a shoulder sling that looks so uncomfortable. The doctors predict she may need the other shoulder replaced sometime as well as her knees. There's also talk of her ankles needing a fuse job. Unbelievable. She just turned 20 yrs. old and she's having work done that an unlucky 80 yr. old would have. The prolong chemo and steroid use has devastated her little body. A tough thing to watch. But I begged God to leave her here, and he did, so I can't be too sad or mad. It's the hand we've been dealt.

You never know what life is going to give you. Some say that God only gives the strong the big loads. If that's true, I need to get a message to him soon so I can let him know that my legs are weak and my back is hurt and I can't take another load. It's funny how you can go through life and feel invincible until something hits you hard. I do believe there is something behind all this but I just haven't figured it out yet. I guess its what I do with it and how I come out of it.  
  

Appreciation

This morning I went to McDonald's at 7:30 am. I made my selection through the drive-thru and proceeded to the first window to pay. After dishing out my $8.24 for breakfast for two, I headed to the second window to pickup my order. The window opened and there stood a woman in her mid-forties. Her smile was genuine.

I often go to this McDonald's because it is close to the house. I know most everyone there because I have a habit of talking to anyone and everyone. I had never seen this woman so I assume she is new. Since the wind was a little chilly this morning I told her she needed a coat. Her response was that she was fine and that it was warm enough inside the restaurant. She said all that without losing her smile on her face. I could tell that this lady was sincerely happy.

The unusual part of this whole transaction was that I got the feeling that this lady was happy to be where she was. We all frequent drive-thrus weekly if not daily and to take notice of something as simple as a fast food worker was out of the ordinary for me and probably for any of us. But that smile was intriguing to me.

I came to the conclusion that this woman was happy that she was employed and it didn't matter where it was. I was impressed. Most of us wouldn't want to be working in a McDonald's but you never know when being accepted will come as a blessing. I am totally speculating about this whole scenario, but I couldn't help but play out the different reasons how Ms. McDonald arrived at the window serving me my meal. I thought she may have applied at several different jobs without any response. McDonald's may have been her only offer and she was happy to take the employment - regardless.

Why I took the time to ponder this lady and her situation was and is somewhat puzzling. I actually felt wonderful for her and it made me feel great. Seeing someone with a smile on their face makes me feel good. I get pleasure from happy people. I think I'm in love with happiness. To see people content and with joy fills me with admiration but sometimes it's envy that I feel.

So often I am restless and unsatisfied. Not that I should be but I think it's human nature to want more, to sometimes think you should be somewhere else or that you deserve more. The unfortunate thing is that we don't realize we are on the path that we are suppose to be on until we get to where we're going. I often want to fast track the process but it doesn't work that way. You sometimes have to go through the shit to get to the gold.

I was sidelined for an entire year due to an injury last April. I was in the hospital for nearly a month and was confined to a rented hospital bed for four months wondering - why me. I couldn't figure out what the plan was for me and how broken bones fit into the plan. I still have trouble walking and the pain in my legs becomes unbearable sometimes but I have realized that God took my wheels away from me because I was on a crash course. After Kaylee's sickness I was making up for lost time by going out more than I should have. I was socializing with a crowd who had little responsibility and time to kill. That association nearly cost me my life.

Today I know where I am going and the reasons why I had time to gain clarity. It was part of my road to stop and evaluate my life and take stock. It was the best thing that happened to me. I found a new appreciation for my life and the direction I'm heading in. The nasty accident wasn't what I would have wished for but it was delivered and I have to thank God my brain wasn't injured. My strengths are my creativity and drive. So after my encounter with Ms. McDonald I am going to smile a little more and be thankful that I have a goal and mission in life. Slinging Egg McMuffins might not be for me but I do appreciate that there is something for everyone!

Windows

Hello! It's been awhile since I've written a blog or even looked at the blog. My daughter Kaylee is doing great. She just completed her first semester and she is loving it. Although she has to see her Oncologists on a scheduled timetable the trips are far less as frequent as they use to be. When she goes it is to check her blood and immune system. I wish I could tell you more about it but I can't because I'm not the medical guru I should be.

Kaylee's body was damaged during the chemo and steroid cycles. The steroids and chemo affected/destroyed her cartilage, tendons, and ligaments in her shoulders and ankles. The hips might be damaged as well but the true pain is in her shoulders. We recently found a great doctor who is trying everything in the book to save Kay from having shoulder replacement surgery. The fact that she is so young is troubling because the surgery only lasts 10 - 20 years which means she'll have more than a few in her lifetime.

I looked at the blog today and thought to myself how things change. When I started this thing I was such a mess. Sadness dominated my day and the thought of loss, loss of my daughter, paralyzed me. Today is totally different. My thoughts and worries have drifted away from sickness and the roller coaster ride it brings, to other things. Some of you might have the perfect life and if you do I applaud you, but for me it seems that there's always something that I'm having to deal with that I don't want to. Nothing is comparable to the battle my kid had to fight with cancer but there are things that seem to inflict just the same.

When I lived in San Diego I would fall asleep looking out the window on my side of the bed. The view has absolutely beautiful. Our home sat in a canyon and you could see across the other side and it appeared as if there were a mountain ridge an arm reach away. If the moon was out it was as if you were looking at a postcard picture. I sometimes recognized the beauty but more times than not - I didn't. My mind was always racing with events that had transpired during the day, upcoming obligations, or whatever else I could find. I write about it today, because just like that window, there are beautiful things around me that I don't take the time to notice because I am too focused on other things in my life. And just like that window, it isn't until months or years later that I realize what I had in front of me.

I tell myself time and time again to slow down and enjoy the moment but for some reason I find it hard to do. I don't think I do it intentionally, it's just the way I'm programmed. I rush, rush, rush, for no apparent reason. Raising my children I truly appreciated all the moments not while they were happening but years later. I'm a three year guy. It takes me three years to recognize the beauty that I had in front of me. Why I'm writing this I have no idea, but I'm guessing that its because I've let too many things slide by and I'm not going to do it anymore.

Life is too short to be miserable. Negativity and ugliness in your life can be replaced with good positive things. Don't be a three year man or woman. Enjoy today and all that it brings. If something brings you down or if you find it is rotten, cut it off. Life goes too quickly and it's too easy to settle for things that aren't healthy. Take my advice and recognize the beauty that is in front of you while it is there. If you find beauty in a window while you lay down to sleep then enjoy the million dollar view and appreciate it because you never know when the scenery might change.

ACT TWO

My beautiful daughter, Kaylee, is 18 yrs. old now and attending NW Missouri State. It's her Freshman year. The name fits appropriately because it's a fresh start for her. The thought was always there but when her school didn't submit her picture in the yearbook it sealed it for me. She needs a fresh start.

Tonight I picked her up at school in Maryville, MO for her appointments and commitments she has with Children's Mercy Hospital tomorrow. It was my first time there because when she moved a few weeks ago I was in a wheelchair and it was 100 degrees and I would have been in the way. If you didn't hear I was attacked on April 25th at a bar by several young men and was left with a broken arm and leg. I was in St. Luke's for nearly 30 days and acquired blood clots during my nice stay. Oh, I also was in bed for nearly four months but that's a different blog and old news.

Kaylee's room is cozy and Tammie made it very comfortable. Kaylee is roommates with her best friend Alyssa. Her friends Amanda and Halley are three doors down from them as well. Kaylee looked so grown-up when she came down to let me and Tam in her dorm. The ride wasn't bad and when she was with us going home it felt really nice. I miss her madly but I don't call her much. It's not that I don't want to call but I find it easier to not get caught up calling and pestering. I think she's known me long enough to know that it's my way of letting her go into the big world without me.

It's amazing how everything moves. People grow and change and their scenery changes too. I have been a few places and have come across many different people because I too branched out. I first left at 19 yrs. of age for California. I lived in San Diego with several guys from KC. It was so fun. I tried college for a couple semesters but it was never my thing. I wish I had a degree right now especially since my livelihood relies on me to hustle a buck to feed my family. I wonder what it would be like to go to work and collect money from someone else besides myself. This last few months have been a challenge. I've been laid up and it seems like one set back after another.

I've decided to write again. This time I'm going to do it because the release I received last time from my writing was very healthy but it won't be for survival this time around or to get me through the day. This time it will be because I can use the release again but not necessarily for survival but for the therapeutic adjustments it produce within myself. This time it won't be so much about Kaylee but about me and my travels. I am at a crossroad in my life personally and how it unfolds is going to be interesting. At least to me and those around me who depend on me. For some reason I lost myself over the course of the last few years and I need to regroup. It might work out or there's a good possibility that I might fall on my face. I really can't afford to fall on my face right now so I have to get busy and take control of the reigns of my life and succeed at whatever I do.

I have been in advertising for sometime now and I just dropped that from my new business plan. I am going to concentrate on networks, the assembly of networks, and new products. The effort and time it takes to sell ads is just to demanding and took control of my life. Do good and you're a hero, sell nothing and you're a zero. I want to create and make money and put people to work. The advertising world is made up of people who aren't like me. I conformed to that instead of going in the direction I wanted to because it paid the bills. Like one of my partners once said, "you shouldn't be in the ad biz if you don't want to sell ads" and he was right. As a matter of fact so many people were right and I turned into the person that wasn't me. But into the person that I thought everyone else wanted me to be. Not sure if that sounds right but it makes sense to me. I had people invest in me because I was creative then all of a sudden I was suppose to shelf this creative person and turn into an Advertising Executive. Not me. I am going to sell but its going to be products and services and everyone else can do the selling of advertising to fuel the machine but it won't be me!

A Mother...

Tonight I talked with a friend from high school who is battling cancer, breast cancer. I've known of her sickness for some time but stayed away from the situation. Tonight I couldn't help but get emotionally touched by the story.

I called to check in with the family and found out that the cancer had spread to the kidneys. I also found out that their only car was taken away from them for registration problems. It was apparent that she was trying to keep a positive voice about it but I heard her break for just a moment. It was then that I thought of my mother.

My mom is a cancer survivor. She was young and a single mother when sickness came knocking. I can hardly think about the fear she must of felt. My mom. For some reason when I was talking to my friend my mother's voice was on the other line. It wasn't really but for a moment I pictured my mother talking to some man, maybe someone like me who might be able to help and it affected me. What if that was my mom 40 years ago?

I say that because I wonder if my mom needed help way back when. If she did, was there anyone in particular that she thought might be able to help. Would she ask? Did she ask? Well my friend didn't ask but I offered to throw it out there to see if someone I know might be able to help the family with a car. For months now I never offered anything to the family. My hands were full with my own projects. I help sick kids and families with sick kids. It's my passion to ease the burden, if just a bit, for families with sick kids. But tonight it dawned on me that this friend, this mother, is a daughter of someone. She has to worry about her kids and how the sickness is affecting them. Her burden or her fright has to be overwhelming.

I cried. I called my mom and cried. It hit me hard that this friend may pass away and how shitty is it that you would have to spend any time worrying about transportation. But that is their reality and their burden combined with cancer. I hate to see it but if I can put the word out and help in any manner then maybe just maybe some of their worry might be relieved. Please help this family if you can and consider that this could be your daughter, your sister, or even your mom!

One-80

I need your help today. Please go to http://www.myfirst180.com/ and purchase my ebook for $12.00. This money is going to help with 10 Kids Insured, The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, and all the other charitable work that seems to find me. Please help me announce this exciting news to everyone you know. I feel comfortable saying "you never know when you might need a helping hand too."

Home Alone...

Kaylee was admitted into the hospital tonight. Kay has been sick the last two days and the doctors want to observe her for the next few days because her immune and blood levels have dropped significantly.

It has been almost a year since we've had to spend the night at CMH. I had almost forgot Kaylee had cancer. She does chemo and the visits are once a month now. I feel bad she has to endure admissions and needles. It would be so traumatic for anyone but it makes you feel terrible when it's your kid. I think she's in a great place considering she does have cancer.

I took Kaylee to the emergency room tonight because her fever reached 103 degrees. It was amazing how quickly the staff checked Kaylee into the ER. They expedited Kaylee so smoothly and fast I felt very good about the quick response. The ER is not where you want your kid if they're missing an immune system. We get a clean room or a sanitized environment but being there is risky. We didn't have to wait at all.

I stayed up last night until 6:00 am this morning because Kaylee was sick. She only woke up once at 5:30 am and said she was wasn't feeling any better. I got Tammie up and her fever was at 102 but it dropped at 6:30 and the doctors on call said lets wait and see where she goes with the fevers before we take her into CMH. So it wasn't until tonight at 7:30 when I went in and Kaylee felt hot. Her temp was at 103 and that's when we got the go ahead to take her in.

It sounds like I'm all over the sickness but it's Tammie. We do shifts. I'll stay up at night so Tammie can get some sleep. It is her who ends up playing Florence Nightingale when the work needs to be done. It was me that took Kaylee to the ER because if she got checked in, like she did, that's when Tammie's work begins. She stays with Kaylee in the hospital and I relieve her in the morning. It is uncomfortable staying in the hospital. I will get Christian off to school and then I'll make my way to CMH. Tammie will be here when Christian gets off the bus and will get him ready for his big dance tomorrow. This sickness can throw a monkey wrench in anything you have planned. Christian has been excited about this dance and got new clothes for the occasion and a haircut. Christian and Tammie have been getting him ready for his night. Unfortunately Kaylee's sickness will take part of his excitement away. We will be focused on her even though we are going to get him off to his big night. Kaylee's cancer takes precedent over everything.


So tonight I lay here with my girls gone. Hopefully this little bug will pass and we can disappear into the crowd like we have this past year. This cancer sucks and makes you realize that having cancer comes with certain realities. You have to be careful, more so then other people. I'm certain Kaylee knows this is only a speed bump. Sickness is crazy at this time of the year and her being at school means she is exposed to the potential threats of sickness crawling in the halls and that cougher we all hear and see who doesn't cover their mouth. Well that's all I have for tonight.

Not alone anymore...

I want to tell everyone that Kerry Magana is getting assisted in the Visa campaign from Ted Kennedy and his office. It seems that Mr. Kennedy is part of an oversight committee that monitors immigration issues and this is one of the things, Kerry's situation, that they can help cut through the bureaucratic red tape and intervene. Thank you Mr. Kennedy.

The things that have happened since all this started have been incredible. The outpouring of support has been overwhelming. The person responsible is Christina Jasso from the Guadalupe Center in KC. She took this case on as any other but has moved from a social worker to become part of the Magana family. I joke with her almost daily that if ever become sick or in need of an advocate that she's my girl.

Christina stays at the hospital when she needs to. She delivers food and support daily. I'm sure her family has considered posting her picture on milk containers because she is always helping this family in moments of crisis. Recently there has been many moments.

I believe that it's a blessing when one gets to see acts of kindness first hand. This has truly been a blessing to me. We go through life so often consumed with our own world and seldom take up the cause of our fellow human beings. This is unfortunate because there are so many of our neighbors who need help, not just a handout. I have had my share of downs and I have been lucky to have the right people or person come to my rescue.

So this weekend, this month, or this year I ask you to keep an eye open for someone who needs your help. It might be someone fighting cancer, someone laid off from a job who needs some networking, or a neighbor that needs a ride to work to feed his or her family. For me it was a family battling sickness alone that put me in the mode. Alone. No one should have to do it alone. I have enough resources for the both of us.

This situation has been a growing experience for me. It has led me to new people, new door steps, and a new way of thinking. I encourage everyone to step out of that comfort zone, that routine and experience the incredible feeling you get when you make a difference. I can't say what will happen with this case, but I do know that this mother of a very sick child is not alone anymore. That might be her blessing, knowing she's not alone anymore!

Stability in the mood...

Kaylee can't sleep because she has pain going on with her arm. We think it is those steroids again but who knows. Yesterday morning was extremely difficult because Tammie was going to the store and asked if I would lay in bed with Kay so she wasn't alone. I went in and she had tears rolling down her face. It sucks not being able to do for someone you love. It also sucks having to be emotionally tough towards your kid. I hate that there's pain, I hate that my child is in her room crying when she should be at school having fun. This young girl is fighting things no one should, and dealing with emotional things way beyond her years. Watching as a father, but more importantly her father, is beyond words.

I can watch a program about kids in Africa and get emotional. I will easily shed a tear and get choked up. To have your own kid, one that is suffering look at you for relief is tough. I can only sit with her and rub her back or leg to give comfort. I feel so guilty that I can't grab her and get emotional but I can't because we have to be strong to get through this. Even though I can't fix this, I have to look strong for stability. Stability is an important thing during times like these!

2 Hold Outs and a Smile...

I can't tell you how great I felt today. Besides Kaylee having to go to CMH for blood work this morning, I had a great day. I was happy and I was productive. I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but I hardly ever get mad during my day and I feel I treat everyone fair. I laugh a lot and generally have fun doing whatever it is I'm doing. I want to be the kind of person I'd want to be around. I sometimes get around people and I want to leave as soon as I get there. Misery can be contagious if you're not careful.



I gave a presentation at 11:00 am at the Bernstein-Rein Advertising office this morning. There were 9 employees from the media department waiting for me in the conference room. I took the seat at the head of the table and did my thing. I think that the speeches I've given over the last year have really helped in my cool and calm department. I use to get really nervous but I've figured out that you need to stay cool and calm, and never act as if you're out of breathe.



I always pretend like I'm the boss. The old saying was "pretend everyone in the room is naked" but I just pretend that I'm the big guy who calls the shots. Crazy? Well it works for me. I envision everyone wanting to be me! Try it, it works. When I talk about my product or service I imagine that I am sharing financials with stockholders. When someone from the crowd makes eye contact I pretend I'm going to offer this person the employee of the month award. It works.

When I arrived this morning for the meeting I was feeling great. It wasn't because I was going into a meeting with 9 different personalities, or because I was going to try to sell myself for an hour. Misery! It was because I had a moment right before I walked in the door, I thought how lucky I was I to have so many people waiting to talk to me. Silly but who would have thought that you could create a product and demand attention. I was going into a room full of people wanting to hear about this thing they call InAd TV! My dream, my creation, my morning.

Out of the 9 people in the room, I only meshed with 7. The two hold outs were not my personality type. The others were receptive. The last two kept their distance and their smile to themselves. Well I did my thing and ended my presentation and threw in some personal advice. I told everyone to smile during their day and enjoy life. They knew I had a child fighting cancer because someone asked me to tell them a little about myself. So I did. I think that these mothers, fathers, and ad people related when I suggested that they smile. If I can smile having a sick kid, then anyone can. They smiled and said thank you. I finished up the presentation with a funny story on how Bernstein-Rein Advertising and I got introduced. The story was so funny that everyone in the room including my 2 hold outs started laughing. It was only a matter of time before I had 9 out of 9 ad exec's laughing and smiling.

Well I'm out of words, and out of time, but I'm not out of breathe!

Willie Wilson...

I had lunch with the legendary Kansas City Royal Willie Wilson this afternoon. I am helping Willie with his 3-day charity event happening on May 31st thru June 2nd. The event takes place at the T-Bones Stadium, Community Ballpark. It includes an old timers game or as he calls it, previous All-Stars. There is a dental clinic, and golf tournament as well. This event will benefit The Children's Miracle Network. Our appointment was at 11:30 but Willie called me early in the morning as I laid in bed and moved it to 11:00. I laughed when I hung the phone up because it was Willie calling me, Michael Quijas. If you are reading this and don't know who Willie is, well then you're too young and that's too bad because he was from a period where Royal baseball ruled!

Willie was a Kansas City Royal's baseball player for fifteen plus years. He was and is so wide known to us older people because he was baseball and the Royals. Our team back in the 70's & 80's was awesome. The majority of players stayed for years and we were tough. I can remember having a team that was always in contention for a championship. Willie said it was because of the owner at the time. Mr. Kauffman.

I listened to his stories and came away from the conversation with the understanding that he was part of more than a team but was part of a family. He was a part of a baseball family headed by the owner. Although baseball is a corporation and ran that way, it also has leaders. Leaders can lead with a strict hand or leaders can be part of the growth & equation. Call me crazy but I relate everything to what I'm going through. I lead my family and I'm leading a business. Both can be done with strict guidelines where no one wants to stay long or you can do it with understanding and compassion. Some say I wear my emotions on my sleeve but that is me. I know from experience that things can change so quickly and unexpectedly that I must be ready to adapt. Being a leader is not writing checks or just talking the talk but living it with your players. I might not have hit any home runs or won any championships but I am playing the game. It is called life and I so want to succeed!

Is there a doctor in the house...

I want to share something that happened to me this afternoon. Kaylee was at her scheduled appointment at CMH for her painful spinal tap and testing. I was at an appointment at the Power & Light when I received a phone call from the hospital. Tammie asked me to come to the clinic because the doctors wanted to talk to me. Tam's whispering somewhat scared me. I asked her what the whispering was about and she said that there was a family that was newly diagnosed and the doctors wanted me to come to the hospital and talk with them. The father was having a difficult time dealing with the news and they wanted me to talk with him. Me!



I cut everything short that I had planned and made my way to the hospital. I was approached by the staff and they asked if I would travel to the floor, the admission floor, and talk with the dad. I agreed. I can not explain the common thread or fraternity that you have when you go through this. It is beyond words. The feelings or emotions are text book. You encounter things that are so out of the norm. You feel alone. You want comfort then you get sick of the phone calls. You get messages of support that you want then you don't. You question statistics and then you ignore them. You ask why God did this to you and not your neighbor. You reason in your head that you could sacrifice your Mother, your wife, or any of your relatives if only God would spare your child. The fog is so thick that life as you know it will never be the same.



I walked to the floor and the father was walking out. He had head phones and running clothes on. The doctor introduced us and left. We talked outside in the lobby. He told me he was tired. I explained that I was not there to promote religion, or minimize. I told him that he will take whatever I say as words and no matter what I say he will say to himself that "this guy doesn't realize the love I have for my kid" I agree, I love my child more than you! It is similar to a break up. You will always have people tell you to stick in there because they did it and experienced it. Well the fact is I told my self that no one knows my pain because Kaylee is one of a kind. I love and feel more than anyone!

The truth is that all these feelings are going to be there in the beginning. Darkness is everywhere and one day turns into the next. I literally thought it was Wednesday when it was Friday. I sometimes felt relief because there was no where I had to be but next to my child. I got sick at times because I knew there was another member of my family, Christian, being thrown out of his routine. It is so overwhelming.

I told him that my blog was my savior and my friend. It really was. I had to find something to occupy me. It was this trust worthy blog! It was funny I said it because it was something that he said he was doing as well. I look back and thank how lucky I was to find my coping mechanism, and how fast I did it. Today I can go back through and read about days I felt like dying and can smile for the fact that I documented my story.

I was honored that the doctors, picked me out of the hundreds that attend the clinic to make this vulnerable man feel better. Hell, maybe I didn't do anything or say anything that was worth listening to. But it did something for me and I guess that's all that matters,

Barry for a Break...

Me and Tammie attended the Barry Manilow show last night at the Sprint Center. It was good. We had awesome tickets and an awesome night. Barry put on a good show and he incorporated video clips from the past into the performance. It was all good.

The true enjoyment was watching Tammie enjoy her night. She apparently loves Barry and that is fine. It was worth the price of the ticket to look at Tammie's smile. She was so excited when he came out and called her best friends from childhood each time a certain song would start playing. I love seeing people escape for the night, or the day.

Everyone should have a Barry. Although my release might not include Barry, he worked for Tammie last night. It was so good to watch someone you care about enjoy themselves and forgot their problems for a few hours. Sometimes it's good to raise your arms and your voice - if it's done for the right reason!

Cheers...

On June 6th & 7th there will be an event that I invite everyone to attend. It is Alex's Lemonade Stand which will be at all Hy-Vee stores in Kansas City. The money raised will help with cancer research and will help fund a cure. The organization is led in Kansas City by Mark and Cheryl Mozier. Their son was diagnosed with a tumor years ago and has since recovered. The time and effort they have spent putting Alex's stands in KC has been great. They are the sort of people I strive to be like. They make a difference in life and I think there is a part of all of us who want to do the same. They are doctors and professionals but make time to give back in a huge way.

My hat is off to the Moziers and I raise a glass to their hard work. I encourage everyone to do the same. Please stop by one of the stands and make a donation to a great cause. The funds raised will help find a cure to a disease that can hit families of any race, religion, or social status. Lets help put an end to this suffering, and help the Moziers with their fight against cancer! Cheers.

The Moans...

So it's my birthday today. I went for a walk with Garth this morning. It was my reflection time this morning and I enjoyed it. I must say that I have had a great life. Some things I would change but over all it has been a good life. There has been lessons to be learned, there has been joy, and there has been heartbreak. What have I learned?

Today I respect life and I don't take it for granted. I feel strong. I feel like there is purpose for me and purpose for all that has taken place. Everything has had a way of working out for me. I'm not completely out of the woods but I have my sights set on the target. We are going to get healthy and we are going to succeed at what ever we do!

I think about the moans. The pain and the sound of pain has been traumatic. Last night I found out just how much. We had a baseball game and our batter was up to bat and the fastball hit him directly in the face. I did not see the pitch or the painful hit but I saw this child on the floor moaning after the fact. I thought it was Christian. My gut dropped. It wasn't Bubba but this little 12-yr. old was moaning from the pain. He was so hurt. I started crying. I can't tell you how I must of became immune to the sound of pain for survival in my baby girl. Last night it wasn't my child but it spilled out of me because of the fact it wasn't my kid. I have been so geared to deal with whatever to survive. I have tucked the pain away and last night seeing a child on the ground moaning has my heart hurting today. Our batter, Connor, is fine and there was no serious damage but I pray for a speedy recovery and I pray that no kid should ever have to feel pain ever again.

Sun block, long underwear, and one more week...

Kaylee did not make it today. Her ANC count (immune system) was too low to get what she needed to advance to her maintenance phase. We have to wait until next week. We will get there, it is out of our control. It is what it is!

Kaylee says her hopes weren't dashed or her spirit wasn't damaged. Kaylee says next week will come soon enough. She is so awesome. I wanted to make sure she wasn't disappointed. I think I might be, but it seems that Kay is feeling good at the moment and she is taking it each day for what it is. We feel good and that's what matters.

We have been checking into the hospital for 9 months. We stay and we leave at times. It has been a tough several months but it is going to get better. They said that we will not have to be back for one month once we get cleared for the maintenance phase. I can't wait. But it is scary as well. I feel as long as we are getting treated weekly that we are doing great. It can't last forever and we need to start getting back to normal. I think this summer will be very good to Kay. She says she wants to lay out in the sun. I told her that sounds great as long as she has on sun block and long underwear! Peace... :)

Fingers crossed...

Kaylee checks into the hospital tomorrow for the news if we made the counts and maintence phase of treatments. Please say a prayer that she gets the clearence. If we do make it then we can get back to normal.

I will be quick and to the point. Please include a prayer to God, Jesus, Jehovah, or any other higher power for our daughter. We are so close to seeing light at the end of the tunnel that we can taste it. Kaylee acts like it is no big deal but it is. We are like kids on Christmas Eve. Keep your fingers crossed.

The story behind 10 Kids Insured...

I officially started my non-profit "10 Kids Insured" on January 16,2008 in the state of Missouri. I have a 501 (c) 3 application pending. I'm not sure about the wording on all that but the attorney does. I am providing health care insurance to children who are lacking coverage. I am providing children an opportunity at health. (I like that phrase, I think I'll use that somewhere in the literature.) I announced the idea on December 21, 2007 as a gift to families to mark the six month anniversary of Kaylee and her battle against cancer. For those that don't know about Kaylee, she is my beautiful fifteen year-old daughter who was diagnosed with leukemia (A.L.L.) on June 21, 2007.

I had the idea for sometime but I wasn't sure how I would raise the money for such an endeavor. I decided to use my business as a tool to generate money for the cause. I own a unique company in Kansas City called InAd TV. InAd TV is a digital signage company in Kansas City that specializes in restroom installations. We place TV's above urinals and in vanity mirrors. My network consists of 100 LCD screens covering the Metro area. My business is to install the system then have sales teams sell the advertising on the screens. We always have excess commercial time and I thought that I could turn that unsold air time into insurance premium money for the kids. Sounds good.

The problem with that is I will have to wait to get it all lined out and then reconsider, toss it around, and find reasons not to do it. I decided to do it differently. I would find the money for the kids. I just needed the kids. Low and behold I received a phone call. There is a group of girls in the city that want to play a sport but they can't because they don't have health insurance. I guess there's a rule requiring coverage. The insurance broker got wind of it and called me. I thought about it for a second and thought, "I can handle that!"

Providing insurance to kids that want to play sports is a perfect fit for us. My daughter, a cheerleader, has been sidelined and bedridden for nine months. She has not been able to participate in any activities this year. She has not stepped into one classroom. Hasn't had a chance to sit in her favorite chair at lunch. These fifteen girls can make it up for Kaylee. They can play for Kay. I am going to stay tight lipped about the organization I'm helping until it is finalized.

I told family and friends about my mission and the connection with Kaylee and everyone threw in money. I raised money this first round from people who want to help me help the kids. I'm amazed by the generosity of people. I get to launch my first kids in honor of Kaylee, Fifteen girls who want to play on a team. Maybe one of these kids will meet her best friend, Maybe it will keep a child busy and she won't get into trouble because she'll be at practice. Maybe one of these girls will find that she has so much talent and maybe just maybe this kid will get a scholarship because her talent is noticed.

The insurance issue is a touchy one for me. I want kids to be able to go to the doctor when they are sick. Waiting in the emergency room at Truman Medical Center in Kansas City, MO is torturous. It takes hours to get in and the treatment is brisk due to the volume of patients. I'm sure being able to see a doctor on your own appointment terms will be a luxury to any of these kids. The hospital is a life saver to many, but an all day event to say the least.

As much support as I've had, I've also had to deal with negativity and mixed emotions. I look at this as an opportunity to help kids live healthy lives, provide peace of mind to parents, and a way for me to give it back to the community. Some people have told me to wait and search for the right kids. What? If your child has no insurance and I can help, and all other options have been exhausted then you're my candidate. I'm convinced that if you don't chase your dream or implement your plan you'll wake up one day with regret. I don't want any regret in my life or my family's life.