It's Nice To Be Wanted

I don't care who you are. It's nice to be wanted. Some might say it doesn't matter but I don't buy it. We go places and play roles daily and it's nice to think we bring something to the table. But sometimes just thinking you're bringing something to the table isn't as good as actually hearing it. 

From work, home life, or social circles we want to be wanted. I'll even go further and say it's nice to be told. It may be a subtle affirmation regarding the work we do or the effort we put into something. A pat on the back from a coworker who notices the box of doughnuts you picked up for the morning meeting. If you're a mother or housewife it may be as simple as someone in the home verbally acknowledging the clean sheets or socks. Or as a lover, your mate telling you how important your love truly means. Regardless, we want to be wanted.

Me personally, it's been a long time since I've received the pat, the acknowledgment, or the I love you.  But sometimes in life you have to be humbled or starved, just a bit, so you can truly appreciate the small things that we all take for granted. My humbling has me taking a new look at things. On my second take in life, I will notice that  person who wakes up early to do something nice, I will roll in my sheets a minute longer with great appreciation, and love a little deeper.

Being humbled and starved is the theory or philosophy you'll have to tell or sell yourself if you find yourself all alone. I tell you this, so you might, take a minute to do those things now and not wait for a second take like me. It's like a great novel. You only want to read about the man stranded on the island - you don't want to be the man stranded on the island! Just my thoughts.

If There's a Next Time, I'll Do Better

So I just turned 46. Plenty of time to do things in my life. A lot of time to accomplish what I want and what I dream. But there are a few things that are done and gone that I'll never get to do again.

 

 

Today would have been my 20th wedding anniversary. I was with my ex-wife, Tammie, on and off for nearly 30 years. Just kids when we started out. A confused and lost man when it ended.

 

 

I wasn't the best husband. It would be very easy to blame it on things such as youth, lack of knowledge, or childhood issues - but I can't. I was just a disrespectful, self-centered individual. Ugly characteristics I carried through much of my relationship. A relationship I'll never get to make right because its gone. We're friends today and all I can ask or hope for is that I'm a better friend to her than I was a mate. 

 

 

Realistically or probably, I'll get or could get married again. The next attempt I will be a better love. The next time I will be more respectable. I'll be like a gifted carpenter or cook who has one more time or chance to get it right. I will measure twice and cut once. Concentrate more on the written recipe then just eyeing or winging it.

 

 

I would have been a better father too. Because any man who treats his wife bad also treats his kids bad. It's my belief that any discomfort you bring into the home falls on everyone in that home. If you're oblivious or ignorant to your actions, then maybe you can go with the insanity defense, but I was neither. Just a man who should buttoned up his lip, who should have picked his battles more carefully, and who should've worn a giant wrist watch, with a loud alarm, to know when it was time to go home. 

 

 

I hope my kids and Tammie realize that I love them and did the best I could with what I had. Unfortunately I was a novice who just didn't get it right. Running a family, and loving your family, is the most important job anyone will ever have. Make it count and make it right. Just my thoughts.  

What You Take from the Day...

I had a conversation with my mother this morning about a wonderful man she worked with in Los Angeles. She's been retired from his company for some time and has since relocated to Las Vegas. She was in LA this past week and weekend and visited with this former boss who she has known for the past 27 years.  To refer to him as former boss wouldn't be the correct title as much as a dear friend. I tell you this because she arrived back home, in Las Vegas, with a smile and a happy heart after seeing all that this nice man, friend, has done with his business after some troubled and uncertain times he, his family and employees faced.

I write about this not to tell you about her thoughts or opinions but about what I took from the conversation. My mom was happy. This happiness wasn't due to anything tangible or monetary that she received from her visit but a pure happiness from what she witnessed in another human being. I guess I'm referring to that old saying "sometimes you have to take time to smell the flowers".

I had the same feeling yesterday watching Jordan Spieth win the Master's Golf Tournament. To see a young man accomplish the win and set so many records I couldn't help but feel happy, great, proud and so many other emotions for him and his family. I don't know him, as a matter of fact I had never heard of him prior to this weekend, but yet I felt something wonderful as a parent. I can't exactly put my finger on it but I think it was a sense of pride that so many things go into a great moment.

Hard work, opportunity and luck are just a few of the factors that factor into a great moment. I had no hand in any of those "coming together" factors but was blessed to get an opportunity to watch a wonderful win and what appears a hard working young man attain a dream. A moment.

I encourage anyone who may come across this to take your time to admire, not envy, someone else's happiness. Relate to it as a parent, a family member, or former employee. What ever the tie in, do it, because happiness for others brings hope for others when you tell the story. That story could be of a former boss, a golfer, or any individual you've observed doing great things. It's what you take from the day. Just this man's opinion!

I'm So Tired Of Being Alone- Al Green

A Cold Drink on a Hot Day

"The moment will arrive when you are comfortable with who you are, and what you are– bald or old or fat or poor, successful or struggling- when you don't feel the need to apologize for anything or to deny anything. To be comfortable in your own skin is the beginning of strength." -Charles B. Handy

I'm in Boise, Idaho for at least one more month. I have been here for over two months working. I leave here and go to a new city. Where? I'm not exactly sure. But it doesn't matter.

I spend most of my nights alone unless I go out with the crews to dinner, drinks, or where ever. But I'm usually alone. That may have bothered me or consumed me just months ago but not today.

It's an amazing feeling when you take stock and appreciate the journey you're on. I'm all alone in an apartment, in bed, with the lights out - and so comfortable. I'd be lying if I said I don't have worries, problems, or unanswered questions regarding what comes next in my life. But all those things do not matter at this exact moment. I'm alright,  right now, right here.

I've been so consumed for years about having people next to me. My family, my friends, or anyone else who wanted to go for a ride. But lately I've found that I'm OK by myself. There's something of a spiritual moment when you realize that you'll be OK. Where ever you put me, what ever is thrown at me, what ever is done to me - I'll be OK! 

I feel good. I feel healthy. But most importantly I feel like I'm starting to accept that my breaths, heartbeats, and wellness belongs to no one but me. If I don't take care of myself no one else is. So I hope that you too are comfortable in your bed, in your skin, and in your life! Finding strength in life is like finding a cold drink on a hot day! 

Just Confused?

So I am high in the sky heading to a new city after spending 3 nights and 4 days in Kansas City for a funeral. I have mixed emotions about my short stay. So here it goes.

 

I was sad I had to go to a funeral. I was sad that 3 young girls lost their father. Sad a wife has to go to bed alone and wake up alone. Sad a mother lost her baby boy. Sad the world lost a wonderful man. Sad I lost my friend.

 

I was mad that life had to change for so many individuals. Mad that a family was saying goodbye to the most important man in their life on a Saturday instead of talking to him on Sunday about future plans. Mad that a wife might be wondering when it was she last kissed or said I love you to her husband. Mad that I don't understand death.

 

I was happy that I was able to attend the services. I was happy that so many people came to pay their respects. Happy to see so many faces I hadn't seen in years. Very happy I had an opportunity to say a few words about this great man and how he impacted my life. Happy that my fear of talking in public didn't win out Saturday and I was able to board this flight with no regrets. 

 

I'm confused. Confused why some of us are here for a very short time and others are here way too long. Confused how some people can be blessed with the comfort of faith during trying times while others aren't. Confused why most of us think we have tomorrow when today's not guaranteed. Just confused. Rest in peace my dear friend Tony Carr.

Tony Dale Carr

From 10-23-2014, Please excuse my language too.

I swore I wouldn't write another blog again but here I am. I've come to the conclusion, for better or for worse, that I have things to say and if I don't write them down or get them out, I'll carry those thoughts or perspectives around with me like heavy luggage. Some might say that there are several other healthy ways to deal with life's curve balls, but for me, writing works. So here I go.

Today I received word that my best friend passed away yesterday. The man who called and told me didn't call for that reason, he just casually mentioned it. Well I must have freaked him out because when he dropped it in the conversation, Did you hear TC passed away?, I lost it.

I cried instantly, not out of sadness, which I was, but out of crazy madness.
I said to him, "slow down motherfucker, what did you just say?"Scolding this man 6 yrs. older than me.
"Did you just say TC passed away?" with complete calmness before the storm. The voice, who has known me for 40 years and who also knew Tony, cautiously answered my questions.
"How did he pass away?" He told me.
"Why are you mad at me Mikey?" He was going to turn it on me now.
"Well I think you called to talk about your car with me, that car isn't Tony Carr,, right?" I asked.
"Yeah, so?" The Bozo says.
"Well, if you know that TC passed why wouldn't you call me immediately when you heard that?" I continue, "You've been around long enough to know that if you were to hear something so terrible and shocking to the world, to me, why wouldn't you immediately excuse yourself from any room, talk, or conference and call me?" Asking in a Kindergarten room sort of way.
"I figured Mary Pat, Stan or Mary Dasta would have called." No dumbo, it's their kid and husband.
"How many people have you had die on you dumb ass?" I asked him coldly. "They ain't calling anyone, they're in shock dumb ass!" I laid it on him. "You called to tell me the way you did, the way you did?" I was finally letting it out. "For some fucked up reason you were jealous for some 40 years about my friendship with Tony. And Randy!" It had come to the surface finally.

This man who was on the other line of the phone had an issue for years regarding me and Tony, then me and Randy. Tony and Randy, both who lived on 39th Ave. took me under their wing when I was 7 or 8 yrs. old. It pissed more than a few others off. Both had things to offer and if you live in an environment where someone has something, you want a slice. Both Tony and Randy had something. Tony had the toys, motocross essentials and other similar things but more importantly he had a head on his shoulders. I mentioned the tangibles first because that's what you'd notice first. But if you spent any time with him you quickly realized he was smart. Lets say you were a criminal, if you were to have a head like that in your group, you'd go further but Tony wasn't that way. He was down the line, straight down the line and if you weren't, he had nothing to say to you. By all means he'd give you a salutation or two but that was it. Tony wasn't stuck up he just didn't tolerate nonsense. If your trajectory wasn't aligned with his, well he had nothing to do with you. I don't think it was snootiness it was just actual and factual, you were a waste of breath to him. His thoughts or logic was that if you're a "fuck up" and it wasn't his concern, then be a fuck up down the road. His chit chat was next to none because where we lived, too much chit chat can get you into trouble. Something he taught me at an early age. Which probably has more than a few scratching their heads, loading their guns, and adjusting and setting their scopes on me due to the fact that I want to be a writer and tell my stories. Seriously.

Then you had Randy Patti. As I got older and my trajectory got off, I was always around Randy because Randy didn't discriminate. He was like the slogan from Lady Liberty, "Give me your tired, your poor..." Randy was Randy. He loved everyone and if your sights and his didn't see eye to eye that was fine by him. If that off sighted-ness became a problem for him he didn't care, he'd just pluck your eye out, smiling and carrying on. To the tune that you'd be left alone with a white pole,cane, dipped in red and a dark set of glasses so quickly that all you'd remember, while Googling, using the Braille system for the visually impaired, if it was TIMBUK 2 or 3 that actually sung, My Future's So Bright. I say that because Randy was quick with responses, and so slick and cool, and calculating, that he would have been singing or humming while permanently stealing your eye sight. Word for word, tune by tune, that was Randy Patti - "My future is so bright I gotta wear shades..."

Tony Dale Carr, was my best friend. Some people, who've known me for years, might scratch their heads when I say "my best friend'. They will base that statement or the scratch on the fact that most of my current friendships, less than 25 years, had never met this great man. As a matter of fact, it had been at least a year since I talked with him and longer since I saw him last. But it didn't matter. He was my best friend and always will be. Let me explain.

Sometimes in life, if you're lucky, you'll meet a person who will change your life forever. This change can be good or bad, but life changing all the same. The time frame can be a brief moment, a short segment, or an extended period that covers a life time. My story is all good, a physical time frame that spread over a dozen years, and lessons that have lasted a life time. If you have a moment I'd like to share it.

In 1977 I moved into a neighborhood in Kansas City, KS called Rosedale. I was only 7 or 8 yrs. old but well aware that this place was notorious for the mean men that it produced. Our street was 39th Ave. and it was well known throughout the city for what you could and couldn't do on that strip of concrete. I was young but well warned of the dangers of this place from concerned city historians, soon to be ex-neighbors, who spoke of the place as if it was the closest thing to hell.

To my amazement it wasn't that bad when we arrived. The neighborhood was worn down but nothing I hadn't seen before. But what was different, was the people who occupied the homes on the block. They had a certain pride in their stride. It was as if they were part of something. Something that you couldn't actually see but something you could feel. It didn't consist of materialistic goods, top notch luxuries, or precious metals or gems but a sense of pride.

So I accepted that there were no luxuries in Rosedale. Just people trying to survive day by day. It was what it was. But to my surprise I found a gift, a precious gem, a treasure in the kid who lived directly next door to me. That treasure came with a name and it was Anthony Dale Carr. Tony Carr, as most people knew him, was six years older than me. At first he didn't have much to do with me because I was 8 and he was 14, not a lot in common at that age, but that quickly changed. We became brothers. He took me under his wing and became the older brother I never had. Tony included me in everything he did. Racing motorcycles, the swim team, the everyday motions of life that extinguished the boredom that a place like Rosedale could easily drape you in.

At first it was just a friendship that passed the time. But after the years went by it became obvious that Tony was teaching me things that would equip me with life skills to overcome the environment we lived in, the problems I might face, and the man he expected me to become. His friendship, sent from God or not, was meant to instill the great qualities that all men should have. He became my teacher besides my friend.

From the age of 8 to 20 years old he was the man in my life. Coming from a single mother household, who worked two full-time jobs, Tony, along with his mother Mary and stepdad Stan, became the set of eyes who watched over me in a neighborhood that could easily swallow the best of saints. I was taught who to watch out for, who to trust, and who to run to incase of help. They became my second family. So the treasure I referred to was much more than a one and done, it was a priceless commodity that paid dividends for many years.

Tony tried to teach me how to cut grass, work on engines, drive, dress, groom, talk, carry myself, politeness, manners, but most importantly he instilled a set of values in me. A moral meter so to speak. Now I have to admit when I got older I deviated away from much that he taught me because I made that decision to do certain things that I wasn't suppose to. I shamed myself but more importantly I felt I had shamed Tony.

Tony had taught and gave me all he could. At a certain point you become responsible for your own actions. You can't blame anyone else or put it off on something other than yourself. Today I feel like I lost out on his kids, his wife, his mother and father because I carried around guilt for the certain shortcuts that I pursued as a young man. Although I went years without talking to my best friend he never stopped loving me. It was obvious every time I resurfaced in his life. We picked up right where we left off and he never judged me for the dark roads that I had chosen years earlier.

I'm signing off by telling the world a few things that Tony did for me. Things that he would have never mentioned but I feel I must. When I was real young he gave me a pair of Niemen Marcus pants that made me feel rich in a poor kid's world, he gave me his Rosedale letterman jacket (any kid's keepsake) so I could put my football and wrestling letters on because we couldn't afford one for me. He taught me how to drive a stick shift automobile and motorcycle. He paid for one or more of my proms and dances. He gave me my first Cash Bond for $100. He took me on a 3 week paid vacation around the country so I could see the plains, mountains, and oceans for the first time. At 18 years old, an hour before I was set to move to Los Angeles with my family, he pulled up to my delight to advise me that I didn't have to go because he was letting me move in with him and his soon to be wife Mary Rose. He taught me how to play tennis, drive a boat, and give weird facial expressions when someone does something stupid.

Finally I have to admit to something only him and I know. The day he was getting married I cried like a baby to him. I told him how proud I was of him and how thankful I was that he gave me the opportunity to see how a great man lived life daily. I only scratched the surface when I listed the things TC did for me. But I guess if I have to sum it up, Anthony Dale Carr loved me and invested in me so I could become a great man. When I grew older and would verbalize my appreciation for all that he had done for me he would always say, "when you become a great man, doing great things, there'll be time to pay me back - with interest". That time is never guaranteed nor has it ever been. I will miss my best friend. Although I have fallen more than once and have struggled like so many others, I have to credit Tony for giving me the tools as a kid and young man to get back on my feet and be the best person I could and can be. I will miss you my brother, I love you.

(I apologize for the quotation marks. I've never really used them, but I've been told that I need to if I'm going to write a book, so I apologize in advance. Here's a confession/secret, I've never used them because they remind me of jail house letters from several of my buddies.
- Mike this guy says, "Give me that jello or your getting the shank..." and in front of everyone, I dropped that jello to the floor, but before hitting the floor, I caught it like a hacky sack player, or Mr. Chuck Norris, and kicked it in his eyes which splattered on his face shooting debris into 5 other gang members eyes and I beat him and the whole prison up just by using jello, I did this while shouting, "I'm Rick James..bitches!" )         

When I Needed It Most

I was at KU Hospital all day yesterday with a friend who was recently diagnosed with bladder cancer. I went with him to get a port installed in his chest for his upcoming chemotherapy treatments. He's 71 years old and a great man & great friend.

I haven't really been in a hospital since pulling my son off of life support over two years ago. Kaylee had her final visit  to Children"s Mercy Hospital a couple weeks ago but that was a joyous occasion. So I didn't get choked up like I normally do. Yesterday was a different day for me. I wasn't there as a parent, thank God, and I wasn't there for any special project other than being a friend. 

But I did get choked up with sadness once or twice yesterday. What choked me up was my friend"s fright. Fright of the cancer, fright of the surgery, the fright of the statistics that come with cancer. I teared up when he told me he was scared. He was scared of dying.

I could only think about how nobody wants to die. A child, a middle aged man, or a 71 year old man who feels he still has a life to live - no one. It broke my heart watching his eyes as the nurse went over all the paperwork for the surgery. You could tell it was all surreal for my friend and overwhelming. I hurt with him as well when they stuck his arm with the first needle.

I pray that he will be strong, healthy and happy. I hope someday that no one will ever have to fear sickness or death ever again. But most of all, I give thanks that my daughter is here today and that my prayers were answered when I needed it most.

Hey There, Roommate.

A few nights ago I went to Oklahoma Joe's BBQ. I had dinner with a friend and during the navigation of the long line and at the table we had a great talk about life. My friend who is three years older and single told me he was tired of being single and wanted to find a woman closer in age to him compared to the younger one's he's been dating. This friend is 48 years old and looks 30. A good looking guy who has the ability to date almost anyone from their 20's to whatever age he should choose. But the realization that someone closer to his age would make him happier than just a pretty face.

While we were talking after dinner in the parking lot a policeman patrolling the property walked up and joined in on the conversation. The three of us talked about relationships. Me, a friend, and a random stranger with a gun. The officer explained his relationship and said it was 25 yrs mature and that just like anything it takes work on both ends. I agreed that I wasn't totally innocent when everything dissolved. I played my part. I could have or should have done this or that but didn't. 

Our conclusion after the talk was that when a relationship ends up like a roommate situation it may be time to go. Unfortunately that's what happened in my household. We were two roommates who didn't get along. I'm pretty much on my own now except when my daughter hangs out for a few days. I absolutely love it when she comes over but more less I'm alone and I love it!

It's funny when certain people tell you that you couldn't or can't make it on your own. Although I play dumb sometimes just so I don't have to do certain things, never ever think I can't do anything I set my mind to. I'm single and not dating, which is perfectly fine with me, but I'm starting to think it might be time that I find someone to have fun with. I'm not in the market for a wife, girl friend, or roommate but I do believe that a friend of the opposite sex can have a very positive effect on one's confidence, self esteem, and swagger!

I'm driving home from Oklahoma City today and felt like writing something and this is it. Love it, hate it, or throw it in the trash but take a good look at your life. Figure out if the one you're with is your biggest fan, your lover, or just another roommate! Love the one you're with...

What I Saw Today...

So I've been walking lately to feel good about myself. I hated the way I was feeling and I also got diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes this past November. The disease was coming and I knew it. I seriously laid in a bed from April 26, 2010 until sometime in 2011. Then again in 2012 for 10 months. The lack of movement, exercise, and motion was a sure sign in my mind that the disease was coming. Besides being Mexican and the perfect candidate for the disease, it runs in my family.

I was hurt in April 2010 and had some broken bones. I was in a hospital bed, that was placed in our front room, for nearly 4 months. Then once that was gone, I continued in a wheelchair for nearly a year. Just when my leg was healed in October 2011 my son was killed in January 2012. I collapsed with that one emotionally and mentally for 10 months. I could not get out of bed or off the couch. It was terrible. It became a joke because the kids would have friends come over and I was "THAT" guy on the couch. I can't explain the feeling of losing a kid but I did what you probably weren't suppose to do as far as dealing with it.

So today I am single and living alone. My daughter stays with me often but floats between my place, her mom's, and boyfriend's place. My son has been here once maybe twice. His life is in Lee's Summit and I understand. Plus he's a mama's boy and I can respect that. BUT, I think about myself back in the day and how different I was. I was everywhere. Dallas, Chicago, San Diego, Los Angeles, Florida. There wasn't a place I wouldn't go nor did I think Kansas City was too far from Lee's Summit, Missouri. Just saying...SON!

When I received the news from my doctor about the disease I swore I was going to do exactly as she said and whatever else immediately - but didn't. I was on it at first then got to the point that I just didn't care. I was depressed that I was moving on my own, that I felt like crap, and looked like crap. But one day I thought if I was to watch my sugar, exercise, and stop the obsession with food that I might actually start to feel good. I had been on Xanax for such a long time for all my mental issues that I thought a different approach might be a good change. Plus the anti-depressants I was prescribed gave me side effects I'd prefer not have.

After walking the weight started to drop off. I am down nearly 40 lbs. and I feel great. I love walking. I wish I was running but I can't. The damage to my leg from the accident has eliminated the running but walking is a great thing. I'm a big supporter of the walk. I'm also big on taking notice of what I see when I'm out there doing my thing. So after this big ass intro let me share what I saw today.

I first encountered a kid cutting the grass of a foreclosed home. I could tell he was too young to be from the bank or property company. I came to the conclusion he lived next door and his chore was to cut the grass next to his family's home so it didn't make their property look bad. I respected that. I thought to myself that his parents probably worked hard to purchase a place of their own to raise their family. Their American dream and no neighbor with a defunct loan or tall grass was going to affect that dream. I respect that. I love people who want to give their kids something - especially a life lesson.

I made it a couple miles away and walked past a garden nursery. I saw a thuggish black man, an employee or owner, watering plants. Along with the watering he was tending to the plants in a ballerina sort of way. He was taking care of the plants in a delicate fashion. Pulling what appeared dying little leaves. He didn't see me but I could see that he sincerely cared what he was doing. I thought to myself that I never cared about plants or have I ever taken the time to water one. That was the things Tammie would do and I thought about all the other things she probably did that I never noticed. I appreciated my 25 years with her even more at that moment. But just like a dying leaf sometimes things have to be pulled apart so they can live. Miss you TLQ.

The next thing I noticed was what appeared to be a husband and wife in a convertible having fun. The smile on her face and his grip on the wheel painted a picture for me of what love should be. They were in their 60's, I'd guess, and loving their company. Themselves. Her smile and his grip was only interrupted by the laughter they were sharing. I thought how comfortable is that? Cruising in life with someone you actually love. Now he or she may have been smiling because they just got out of jail but I envisioned what I did and it made me feel good for them. Love.

On my final stretch home I noticed a guy walking up on me. I'm not the fastest walker and he didn't have on a jogging suit so I stopped to let him pass me. I take pride in my street's smarts. If you're walking up on me and think you're going to get something from me, besides a "hello", you just might get the best ass kicking you didn't want. Anyways, I was behind him now. He got a block ahead of me and he waved at a guy, who was about a block ahead of him, using a walker. I could see they were exchanging pleasantries as I approached a block behind. When I got closer, the man who I thought might want more than a hello, was pulling money out of his pocket for the disabled man. I thought how nice is that? This guy who might not of seen his friend in some time was lending a few bucks to the man in the walker who appeared kind of down and out. Helping out a brother. The transaction could have been a drug deal unfolding right in front of me but all the same it made me feel good.

I finished my walk when my daughter noticed me on the side of the road and offered me a ride home. I like to think I'm a good person. I think I like to see the best in everyone and I thank God that he allows me to witness things that I can apply to my own life. Now the young kid could have been burglarizing the house he was cutting the grass at, the thug could have had the owners of the nursery tied up in the back of the joint, the fun driving couple may have just made bail bond, and the walker guy could have just copped some Oxy but I want to believe they were all good stories unfolding right in front of me for a reason. Peace be with you and take a walk! And Cliff...
I promise no more selfies!          

The Cha cha, Supermodels, and Credit Scores

Do you know what sucks about getting old and being off the market for as long as I was? It's like you have to get pre-qualified before you can go out and have fun with someone. I just want to have fun, laugh, and do the Cha cha! Is that asking to much?

I've come to the conclusion and realization that I'm not the best looking guy in the room. I'm fine with that and to be honest with you if that's all that it's about for someone then I wouldn't want to hang with that person. I'd much rather roll laughing then having some pretty person who would be afraid to smile and laugh in fear of wrinkling.

I know a few girls out there who I would love to hang with just because they crack my stuff up! But putting yourself out there is so damn awkward. I must admit that I am pretty good at holding conversation and making others comfortable but sometimes its just damn weird because some women are looking at you for more than just a good time. I get it but I was with someone for such a long time that I really could careless about an application process at this point.

When I observe the whole damn dating process it makes me want to laugh. You have to spark up small chit chat to see if anything is there. Then you casually come to the talk about what someone is looking for in a man. And then finally, they determine if you make the cut. I guess I'm still stuck back on the day when I'd  end the day/night by saying I had a good time and would love to do it again. Or not!

I've met a few people recently who I'd love to go out with. They're not interested in my credit score, could careless what I do for a living, and they think I'm good looking. Now maybe they're settling on the looks part (I'm not good at taking compliments) but who cares. I can talk to anyone, I feel like you could take me anywhere and know I'll know how to behave, and I like to think that they'll end their night wanting more.

So to conclude this observation on the date scene, I just want to make clear what I'm looking for. I want a kind person, a funny person, and a good person. I want to be attractive to her but I'm not in need of the top Supermodel. But if you should happen to be a Supermodel who needs a good time too - call me!  

Oh I also like long walks in the rain, holding hands while watching The Notebook movie, and sharing bites of food at the dinner table while on a date! So just kidding... All I need is a great Cha cha partner!

 

Happiness...It's Your Choice

Happiness is a choice. If you want it, it's there. You can stay where you're at if you aren't happy and suck it up. You can mirror any terrible relationship you are familiar with. You know those. Maybe it's your parents, your best friend's parents, or the neighbors. Who ever it is, you can have that.

We can all stay in whatever because we have kids, cars, an address. We have a routine. I get it. But unhappiness can be such an ugly monster. It can actually make you feel ugly and take you. It can break you down much like a wrecking ball on a piece of property.

In my ugly unhappy life I was so concerned about everybody else but me. I thought everything would collapse if I should leave my routine. Little did I know that my foundation had already collapsed. I was there, unhappy, because I didn't know where to go.

While I was in the midst of my unhappy life I called a friend to catch up, a guy who is younger than me and who I've known for 30 plus years. He told me to come over because he had something to tell me. I was curious what he had to say so I hurried over. Thinking it was anything else but what I was about to hear.

When I got there it was an intervention. Not one with several people in the room, just me and him. He proceeded to tell me that he didn't recognize me anymore. He said it broke his heart that he couldn't remember the guy he once looked up to for so many years as a kid and teen. He told me to run. Run? He said, "grab one plate, a set of silverware, a lawn chair and run as far away as possible. Find your place somewhere else and find Michael Anthony Quijas." He said, "if you don't then there's a great possibility that you may end up lost forever." I looked at him with confusion.

I knew what he was saying. I knew it for a long time but I needed someone to tell me. I needed someone to say what I was feeling inside because hearing it from someone else's mouth resonated more than what my own mind was telling me. Run before it's too late.

Well I ran two months later and haven't looked back. The family didn't collapse and everyone is doing great. More importantly, I am the happiest I have ever been. I feel I got back whatever I had lost. I feel good about myself and I love me again. So again I tell you that you have a choice. You can be happy or unhappy it's all up to you. I chose happiness and I have to suggest it to anyone straddling the fence. I thank you Brian Donigan for telling me what I needed to hear! I am so thankful for friends who will tell you what you don't always want to hear!   

Just One More Day

Yesterday got me thinking about what I love, what I miss, and what I want to do. I was in such a terrible place for a long time that I had lost hope. I had given up entirely and didn't care if I was here, on earth, or not. I was so embarrassed to talk about my situation to anyone because I felt like a freak or loser that I couldn't work out my problems internally. The thought of me admitting to someone that I had come to the conclusion that the world would be a better place if I wasn't here was just too much for me to say. But I thought it.

I had worked it out in my head how, where, and when I would go. I tell you this because it consumed me for months but I was so ashamed that I had these thoughts that I didn't mention them. All I could do was pray every morning and night for God, Jesus, Moses, or anyone I had read about in the bible to get me through "just one more day".

You might ask why I'm bringing it up today. The answer is because something incredible happened yesterday and I want to share it because it might help just one person out there. This subject is so taboo that I believe that there might be other men and women out there filled with the same thoughts and I want to share what one more day can bring. I want to share my miracle.

I had always been a tough person. Now if you ever followed my writings during my daughter Kaylee's fight for her life you might dispute this toughness but my strength is a fact. As a kid I didn't always have what the other kids had but I made it up with personality & charm. If I didn't have or couldn't afford a MoPed I would make sure you'd want to walk to your destination because I could convince you that walking was cool. If I couldn't make the invite to a ski trip because of no money I would throw the biggest house party just so you would miss it. And if you gave me or mine any problems in my youth I'd send you to the dentist so they'd have to fix the teeth I knocked out. A fact!

So when everything went bad for me and my family and I couldn't muster up that fight, charm, or personality I just figured I would call it a day. But I prayed to the Lord for one more day. Yesterday I walked early in the morning. I have been exercising just about every day and walking for an hour or two gives me time to think. Yesterday I was excited for the walk because I was down about my son's birthday. His 23rd birthday was a day he never got because he was killed by a man who was drugged and drunk behind the wheel of a car. Although that's a different story I have to finish this one. So after my walk I had a 10:30 am appointment with a printer and with a good friend Arthur Vargas.

On my way to the meeting I looked in the car mirror to see what my hair was doing and to my surprise I liked what I saw in the mirror. I saw a face that I hadn't seen in some time. I saw a guy that I recognized. I saw a guy who is trying to better himself, a guy who is taking the time for himself to feel better about himself, I saw me. For the last few years, I would wash my face, brush my teeth, and do my hair but I never would make eye contact with the man in the mirror. I had lost all self-esteem and worth. But yesterday I thought how important my one more day meant to me and those who love and like ME.

So I guess what I'm saying is that you need to give yourself one more day. Don't devote so much time on things that aren't mentally good or unhealthy. Love yourself and recognize that we all get thoughts - good & bad - and have situations that arise - good & bad - that will pass. I'm walking proof that if you can make it one more day then you can make it one more week, one more month, & one more year!

WORD!

I started going to church a couple of months ago. I grew up Catholic and was nervous to try anything else. I have been so use to saying "I'm Catholic" since I was a child and well into my adult life. If anyone ever invited me to try their church I never took their offer in fear that they might talk in tongues or do a guitar solo while preaching the word and staring me in the eye. I was convinced I would break out into laughter or be so embarrassed that I'd have to excuse myself. But with all that said you would never find me inside a Catholic Church on Sunday because I was just too busy or nursing a hangover. But regardless of the excuse, I was content on going with my story - "I'm Catholic".

About three months ago I met a lady and we exchanged stories. She had just left hospice saying her final goodbyes to a friend who was on her last hours of life. I could tell she was upset and I offered her a few words of something. I say something because I wasn't sure what it was I was saying or trying to offer. This woman, who is at least twenty years or so older than me, needed an ear and I was there. I felt it was only polite that I extend a few words of something to make her feel better. The only thing I could muster up was my similar story of saying goodbye to a loved one. She returned the favor by extending her ear.

After all was said and done she said, "do you mind if I have a man call you?" I was confused but then she continued by explaining that there was a program at her church. "Oh no" I thought, here comes the religious rub. But it never went there, but out of common courtesy and since we had a moment of sorts, I gave her my telephone number. Hoping that the call wouldn't come!

Two days later the call came. It was from a man who asked if I'd like to meet for coffee. Before the call came I had time to think about my encounter with this woman and several others - all centered around faith, belief, and God. It occurred to me that something or someone was trying get my attention or get me help. So I agreed to the cup of coffee.

When you lose someone in your life you find yourself looking for signs. You find yourself asking for the signs when you're alone. A flickering light, a sudden sound, or anything to give you validation that your love one is nearby. My signs usually come through music. My son will throw a song my way occasionally. It might just be the local DJ, but I always give the credit to Landen. The Cure, The Counting Crows, The Smith's - Landen. This call that came from the man - Landen. He wanted something for me, something to ease the pain - music only goes so far. 

A good cup of coffee and the company of a stranger might do me good I thought. Plus, if someone was willing to take an hour out of their schedule then who was I to pass up the offer. So we scheduled our meeting. I was worried that it was going to be all about religion but I came to the conclusion that maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing.

The man who called that day was Jim. We met as scheduled and he said he was there because he had heard I had went through a tough patch and if I wanted to talk he was a good listener. I took him up on the offer and spilled my guts. At some point I asked about the church. He told me he was part of a program that helps individuals in the community who might need an outlet to discuss things or just a person talk to. He never once went into religion. He did at one point tell me that he wasn't sure about anything, including God, but he was sure that his beliefs work for him and his life.

I must admit that I was impressed with this man. He's a successful business man who fit me into his busy schedule. Most impressive to me was that he fit me in during the work week. It was as if his program at church was just as important as his company. I was a meeting, a part of the program, that was comparible to his next big contract. He had a job to do for the church and he was going to do it regardless of the time or day.

I was happy I went to the meeting. I made a friend and I felt like I had someone on my side. It was just a talk but it made me curious about the church. I thought this place, this church, might be for me if everyone else was like Jim. It was less than a week before the lady I had the original talk with called and invited me to that weekend's church service with her and her husband. I accepted the offer. It all came together.

The day after my brother-in-law passed away I had a place to go and pray. I had a place. The church is amazing and everyone I have met through the church is wonderful. I get so much out of it considering I only spend an hour out of my week there on Sunday. I feel stupid that I didn't attend sooner. I guess it's sort of like a gas station. You fill-up and you can go a greater distance. To date I have not heard anyone speak in tongue nor has there been a strumming guitar player making eye contact with me. I feel better having a place to call my own. WORD!

My friend

I started a sales job a few months back. I did it for the money but more importantly for the interaction with people. I had become a recluse. My inter-personal skills had disappeared and I needed to gain them back. The job I took is with other salesmen and we have lots of down time to discuss our families & our stories. Recently I met a man, a new hire, and we've become friends. He is 62 yrs. old and orginally from Croatia. We have talked in great length about how we ended up where we are.

I told him yesterday that I would be on my way in a few weeks to pursue other endeavors because I feel I have that entrepreneur spirit back. Working for peanuts and taking abuse from management has re-ignited my fire. As soon as I told him I could tell it deflated him. Sounds silly but he enjoys my company. I can tell.

My friend has been an executive for the gas industry for years and I suspect due to his age he was let go for younger talent. He arrived in the area because his kids are here but he has no friends in KC. All he has are his children who are young adults living life. As a parent we see them move on and our position in their lives shift. We are still important and what matters most, but they don't want to go out on the town with us. Sure, on certain occasions, but not on a regular social basis.

He told me he goes to a restaurant in Leawood occasionally and has a drink or two at the bar by himself. I told him I would take him to a bar called Touche's if he ever wanted to go out. Touche's is a place where older folks tear up the dance floor and seem to have a wonderful time. I have been there in the past and it was a great time. When I offered, he got excited and said he had wanted to go to Touche's but never did because he didn't want to go alone. He said he thought a club would be a little strange flying solo. I guess he's right, I wouldn't want to go if I didn't know anyone.

It made me realize that my social life has gotten thin as well. My phone doesn't ring anymore and my friend base has all but disappeared. It's ok because I was living life all the way into my 40's as if I were still 24 yrs. of age. Plus I had the tendency to stay out as long as I wanted without any boundaries. Not good for one's self or his family, especially if you want to keep onto your health and family! 

I say this because I believe all interactions have the potential to be good or bad on you or for you. I haven't done much selling but would be at the top of the leaderboard, if there was such a thing, of having the ability to squeeze out every person's story I come into contact with. I love the story behind everyone and we all have a story. I find that we're all unique and our struggles have a common circle or comparison.

My friend's name is Mike and he is a great man. I feel sad for him because he's not where he thought he'd be. I am not where I thought I would be but I've said that enough and it's time for me to get to where I want or need to be.

I truly love people. I know that will make some laugh, some puke, and others relate but it's the honest truth. If someone's mean there's usually a reason behind it, if someone's kind then there's usually someone who contributed something in that person's life that harvested kindness. Stories within stories.

I hope at the end of my day someone might see and say something good about me. If not, then maybe they'll understand that I'm just a guy who had struggles and a story just like everyone else.

That face...

If you've ever seen "that" face of terror, fright, horror, heartbreak, or sadness - you never forget it. Today I saw a single picture that spoke volumes of all those emotions today. I broke down when I saw the image. It had no video or audio but I could see it, hear it.

I hope and I pray no one ever has to experience it. Some of you have, and most of you will, at some point, have to see "that" face and hear those screams. I am traumatized from the experience.

I have never been in a situation like the shooting today, obviously,
but the hurt has been there from other situations. I pray for the children, the families, and the educators who heard so many screams today. Love the ones you're with!

A whisper

I want to share a story from my bro-in-law's funeral. The service was incredible. I'm not sure if that's the right word or appropriate, but that's the only word I can use to describe the service.

I arrived after most of the other family members. So many emotions went through my head on the drive there. I was sick to my stomache. But after watching all the people shuffle in and all the stories people shared I felt much different leaving than I did when I arrived. I felt like Steve was laid to rest and at peace.

His life was celebrated and the stories people shared were in line with who he was. Most stories started out with Steve having a beer, a cig, some foul words, and an incident that was worth sharing. Almost every encounter you had with him turned out to be a story you wanted to share with someone.

For me I was always impressed with his carefree attitude. He didn't care what anyone thought of him - what he did or what he said. Something I'm not able to do. I always worry about what people might say or think if I speak my mind openly or if I do something out of the norm. Not Steve, he did what he wanted to. It was a quality I admired about him.

When the service was over I was in line to say my final good-bye. I was in line behind someone, this someone was a member of his wife's family. I may have been too close because I heard her last words.

She whispered to Steve, "I will make sure your kids are taken care of, don't you worry."

I had mixed emotions. I was upset that he wouldn't be here to do that himself. My thoughts were with the kids and how he wouldn't be here any longer to offer a touch, a word, or sense of security that only a father can. I was saddened by the fact that he was no longer here. But then I thought, he's in a place now where he'll be able to do great things for the kids and will always be with them. Something he may not have been able to do while he was here.

That whisper I heard was sincere and real. This family member, who I won't mention out of respect for her privacy, is an individual who does what she says. She's an individual who makes me feel safe & secure when I'm in the same room with her. Her demanor is tough but it has a sprinkle of love to it. I knew she meant it when I heard her say, "I will make sure your kids are taken care of, don't you worry."

I have written about Steve daily for the last six days because his passing has hurt me. He was my family and my friend. So many memories and so many years together in the same family. It feels so empty losing a brother. I wish I could have one more beer, one more cig, or one more foul word together. Rest in peace my brother.

Why am I here?

What is my purpose here? A question I assume a lot of us have asked at one time or another. Some might ponder this question more than others. I know I do. I believe I am here for something more than what I am doing.

I think it's a question asked more often as you grow older. I feel I could be doing more than I am. I always thought life would be more comfortable at this period in my life. I would have never imagined that my family and I would be struggling as we are. I recognize that we have had many setbacks the past few years but that excuse only soothes the soul for a second.

I have always had a way of helping people in the past. Connections, encouragement, or cash. Today I can't seem to help myself. I have so many dreams and things I want to do but can't find that deep down surge to make them happen. In the past I always had others willing to join me in making changes but today I am alone. I take it that people have lost faith in me. The faith has faded. 

I have faith in me and maybe that's all I need. I will be back on top someday. I also believe that this stripping of me, the breaking down, is part of a bigger picture and necessary for me to grow. I see it all, but it is so damn hard to deal with when you feel you're losing your dignity, pride, and identity. Surrendering all you have and all you know is a painful thing.

Have faith in yourself, be your biggest fan, and if you find yourself being broken down and stripped of all that you know or have, just remember that the end result may expose what your true purpose is and what your calling might be. Have faith.

Colds, carrots, and Orajel

In life, nothing ever goes as planned. Sometimes we have to make adjustments to our plan to deal with matters that come up unexpectedly. There is no hidden meaning in that, it's a fact. Certain events or scenerios call for you to take certain actions.

An unexpected cold or cough, you make a trip to the doctor. For a sore tooth, a quick stop for some Orajel or an appointment to the dreaded dentist. Or it may be a simple stop at the grocery store for a bag of carrots to go with that slowly cooking pot roast. These events, although minor, put us on a detour from our regular course.

Unfortunately, today we have obligations to be at a funeral home so we can lay to rest a family member. There's a time we have to be there, last minute details to go over, and a schedule to follow. A place we have to be. Unexpectedly.

I say "family member" but that title doesn't cut it. He was a son, a brother, a husband - a father. He was my brother-in-law Steve Kreighbaum. Titles that are so important to us, the people he left behind.

I have had my fair share of loss this year. Eleven months ago my son, Landen, was taken away from us in a hit and run accident. I have had time to think about it hourly for those eleven months. 7,964 hours of thinking to be exact.

What I have come up with is that we all play a part in so many lives. Our family's, our friend's, our co-worker's, our neighbor's, our pet's, down to the guy selling you coffee every morning. So many connections on a daily basis.

It breaks my heart when I think how, sometimes, we can easily forget how important we are. Each one of us plays a part in this life. We have people who love us, who would fist fight for us, who would actually die for us if needed and we don't always see it. We are the spoke in so many lives.

I can't ease the pain of my loved ones at this moment. It's an unexpected detour that we have to take right now and it is what is. But I want everyone to know that sometimes we get stuck in a fog and we can't always see things in front of us. If that fog should creep up on you, I want you to remember that you're not alone. Nothing goes as planned for any of us. For some of us, we count hours and painfully take another breathe, struggling to find good in what we've been dealt. But at the end of the day take stock of your life, count your blessings and always remember that the fog will always lift. But most importantly, recognize and understand that a  wheel can't roll if it doesn't have a spoke!

Kaylee Marie Quijas: Steven Dale Kreighbaum Jr.

Kaylee Marie Quijas: Steven Dale Kreighbaum Jr.

Steven Dale Kreighbaum Jr.

My brother-in-law, Steve, passed away this morning at the age of 45. He was a father, husband, son, brother, and friend. We had grown up together since I was 15 yrs. old. and we've been in the same family for over 23 years.

I was alerted to the devasting news, while I was getting ready for work, through the painful screams coming from his sister, my wife, Tammie. I instantly knew that something tragic had happened because of that scream. A scream you never forget.

Steve had been battling depression for some time. He had different health ailments and the fight took its toll. He gave up. In the wake of his departure we are left asking questions and wondering what we could have done differently.

I must admit that the thought of leaving this place has crossed my mind. The dark days I've had to deal with and the setbacks after setbacks have warped my thinking once or twice. But today I see what hurt and devastation does to loved ones when you're suddenly gone.

I ask everyone to get help if you feel sick. Talk to someone if you find yourself in a hole and can't get out. The swallon eyes and broken hearts I see today is such a sad sight. Put your pride away and put the ones who love you first. This sad day will pass and people will move on. But make sure that you move with them and don't make a permenant solution to a temporary problem.
- Your bro-in-law and your friend

The Sunshine

I recently started a sales job. Having to be somewhere and being part of something is very healthy for me right now. I'm good at sales. I'm not the most technical person in the room and my product knowledge could be better but what I do have is a certain talent or ability to create relationships. I think the relationships I create and build are real and true. I'm sincere and believe relationships are important, especially in sales. 

I asked a guy today if he was happy. He looked at me in amazement. I think he did so because it was a personal question. A question he wasn't expecting. He said "I'm 62 yrs. old and I'm where I want to be." I thought that must be a great place to be. Then he said, "funny you should ask because I lost my job months ago and I was scared what I was going to do." I listened closely and looked at him even harder. I thought 62 yrs. old, he could retire, enjoy his years with the wife, who he had mentioned earlier. He was an energetic guy, so I could see why he wouldn't want to. But then again, I was just observing and didn't know his story.

"But I knew Jesus would make everything all right." He said.
Hmm. I didn't know what to say. In years past I would get uncomfortable discussing Jesus or God with strangers. Why, I don't know. But today, I don't care. A good dose of Jesus is a good thing and probably just what I need.

I said "it's amazing how things work their way out." Possibly backing out of the conversation in my own way. He laughed and told me he thought it must be fate that we ended up together in a conversation that was initiated by a possible sell. I agreed. I told him that I was certain God put me there at that time. He mentioned Jesus, I threw out God, but whoever it was, I'm certain we were meant to cross paths at that exact moment.

I gave him a quick snapshot of my story. I told him that I was going through the toughest time of my life. I confessed that I could have never imagined that I would be lost at 43 yrs. of age. Starting all over and dealing with incredible loss. The worst part, I told him, was that I had given up. I lost my will to fight. I had become a sad pathetic mess. Not what I had envisioned for myself at this age or stage in my life. He said he understood completely.    

He proceeded to share his story. How he had to leave a small town, hours away for Kansas City, to search for work. Put his house on the market, pack his wife and life up, and have faith that a 62 yr. old man could gain employment in a new city. Something he never could have imagined just a year before. Change at an age, when he was suppose to be coasting through life. Circumstances and events he had no control over.

Our stories were different but the same in a sense. We both had things thrown at us and we both had change to deal with. Our hurt may have been from different sources but the things we had to do were relevant to each of us and to those who love or care about us. His faith in Jesus or God gave him strength and that's great. A healthy crutch or cane, to lift you when you're down, is alright. I applaud those who can find reason to carry on when things look so black & bad. I was seeing nothing but bad for such a long time but today things are looking better as I have a place to be and people to talk to.

It's amazing what the mind and body can do. If you're feeling healthy, your attitude and swagger can carry you places. If not, then your sickness can dictate your direction. A sick person without confidence or self-esteem can quickly dissolve and disappear. I was that sick person for months, if not years. Just slowly slipping away. But I've been digging down deep lately and finding that fighter that was once inside me.

The gentleman I was talking to today, informed me that he was offered a job soon after his arrival to Kansas City. He recently started with the new company. The money is more than he was making in Cape Giradeau, Missouri and his co-workers been kind and welcoming. He knew that Jesus would take care of him. Again, our situations were different but just the same. He was losing sleep over employment and security as I was losing sleep over my own set of circumstances and baggage. The key is making it through the storm. If you can do that, then you know some sunshine is coming your way!

The Drive-Thru Window

Kaylee went to the doctor yesterday for her follow up regarding her recent shoulder replacement. The doctor said it looks good and is amazed at her tolerance for pain. This tolerance is attributed to the pain she had been living with for such a long time regarding her bone deterioration. The shoulder looks good and she is recovering just fine.

It is so surreal to see such a young person, especially your child, having so many medical issues. Kaylee's life has been altered because of all this. While her friends are working,going to school, and living as you'd expect, her world is centered around medical appointments, procedures, and physical limitations. Not a life I had envisioned for her. But the key word here is - "LIFE".

When all the traumatic events unfolded, way back when, with the doctor saying "sorry it's cancer" I literally fell to my knees and begged God to leave her here. At any cost. I didn't want him to take her from us. At one point I pleaded that he could take anything from her - legs, hands, torso, anything - just let here be with us. It's amazing what you will do when you think you're about to loose something, especially a child. 

I have so many friendships that were established from our long stays at Children's Mercy Hospital. Unfortunately, some of those friendships are with parents whose children didn't make it. So heartbreaking. Especially when you know them, the kids, and the fight they went through. It's so close to home and relevant to your life that you almost keep your distance. I mean you feel their pain and you cry because your heart hurts so bad but at the end of the day you know you are in the same pool when medical professionals are talking to you about percentages, mortality rates, and statics. Scary shit!   

I think back to day the doctors told us about the cancer. Me and Tammie, not being an Oncologist or anything close to it, were forced to make decisions regarding treatment. I think they gave us a twenty minute talk about options. Option one) accept a treatment that has worked well since 1972. Or Option 2) take part in a study that has even better results then the 25 yr. old procedure but roll the dice on the side-effects and unknowns.

The door shuts. Hmm? "What do you think Tammie?" She replies, "I have know idea." All the while I'm thinking, I have trouble effectively ordering food from a drive-thru window and I am suppose to make a decision on cancer treatments for the most important thing in my life. Finally I said "lets ask the doctor what he would do if it was his kid OR we can flip a coin." We asked the doctor. Being put in the position to make a decision like that is very difficult. But we made it and the treatment worked. Unfortunately Kaylee got stuck with some ugly and debilitating side-effects but she's here and that's what matters most.

If these bone issues are what we have to deal with, then so be it, I'm fine with that as a parent. I'm just glad he didn't take her. I will be glad when we can get this behind us and move on. It seems like it never ends as far as having commitments and obligations to issues that surrounded the leukemia. Appointments, surgeries, and up & downs. But I will tell you this, no matter what comes our way, I will fight and do whatever it takes for my daughter or anyone else that may need help. Speaking from experience, with Kaylee and Landen, being inside a room, trying to make a life or death decision for your child, is the worst and most difficult thing I think a person could ever face. If you've been there then you know what I mean. It's something I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I'm just glad Kaylee's here. She is such a beautiful person. I've never heard her complain or take pity for herself. She takes everything in stride and stays strong around us even when I know she's feeling low. She's had a few limitations the last few years because of the illness but she lives life on her terms. She isn't a little girl any more and with all she's had to deal with she probably had to grow up a little faster than other children. My daughter and her life is a blessing.

All Aboard!

Like a thirsty man in the desert, searching for water, I am searching for relief through writing. This morning I feel better. It could be because it's my son's birthday and all the reason to celebrate. I don't feel so hopeless today for some reason. For the last several months I couldn't see past the fog. I know there's a lot of people around me who've thought to themselves "enough already"and I agree. But sometimes it takes time to get back on your feet when you've been knocked down.

My brain is starting to work again. I have to tell you, my head just couldn't think right for months or maybe years. I couldn't figure out what I was suppose to do. All these things kept happening to me and my family and I couldn't sort or find reason for them. I guess there's somethings in life that you have to take and not analyze. No rhyme or reason to them, just fate. But whatever the case you have to play the hand you've been dealt.

It's amazing what can happen to someone when they're scared. Your confidence leaves, you second guess everything, and you look for reassurance in all that you do. I have learned that I need to do what I do and do it with confidence. Don't look for approval from others and or guidance because if it doesn't come you will collapse and falter or not make a move at all. You start to fear failure.

I am an entrepreneur. I create things. I design and create commerce out of ideas. If that goes then I go. Most people don't think like an entrepreneur. They may have ideas but they don't put them into action because they are too dependent on working for someone else or they can't afford to follow an idea into fruition because it isn't the norm. I may have crazy ideas or business plans but it's those crazy ideas that can produce a living and it's those ideas that recruits others who are looking to make a living for their families. This time around, I am going to concentrate on making money on one thing at a time. In years past, I would have several things going at once which resulted in me becoming "a jack of all trades and a master of none".

I do feel like my creative juices are coming back. Years ago I wrote in a blog "as long as I have confidence in myself and the path I'm traveling then I'm going to be fine. If I should lose that, then others should start to worry". The entry was regarding my family who couldn't see the vision for InAd TV. TVs in restrooms? Over urinals and in mirrors? Playing commercials? Making money off paying customers by way of a CPU that runs 24/7? That can be remotely accessed via a WiFi connection? Huh? Well it was crazy but it made us a living.

 I wish people could see my vision for my new mannequins. But again I won't wait for approval like I've been doing. If I do it will never come. I will push forward and make my own road. I will pursue my dreams and find a way to feed my family and dig us out of this hole. I feel like a glimmer of hope and confidence is starting to resurface. I need to get back what I have lost. Although there are things that will be gone forever I need to take care of the things that I can salvage and move on from here. I need to be the Captain. And Like a Captain, I need to steer my vessel with confidence. No one wants to get on a plane, train, or automobile if the driver isn't capable, confident, or competent. All aboard!           

Happy Birthday Bubba!

Today, October 2, is my son's birthday. Christian Michael Quijas is 17 yrs. old as of 25 minutes ago. He is a great individual who is finding his way and developing his opinions and beliefs as a young man. He's recently become curious about religion and spirituality and I couldn't be happier. He attended a Joel Osteen service at the Sprint Center with his girl friend and her family. I was so grateful that their family included him. I never pushed or introduced religion to our family unit and have regrets because of it. We lived in California and I never found our place in the religious community. I didn't make the time and I wish I had. I think it's so important to have a relationship with God. Sometimes it's that relationship that gets you through the roughest and toughest of times. I have personally met people who have lost the most precious things in life but made it through with faith. So I sign off by saying Happy Birthday son. I hope you make wise choices in life and treat yourself and others good. Love and be loved. 

Pen to Paper

I would love to be a writer. I think I have a great story to tell. My writing would be nonfiction at first but eventually I think I would like to take the challenge of writing a story from scratch. But is any story really from scratch? I'm sure writers write about what they know, fiction or nonfiction. I've been writing a story, my story for sixteen years. I just don't know how to make it flow. A few years back I thought I had it figured out and started constructing it but quickly got discouraged and shelved it once again. Recently I started writing again but I'm not sure what my process is called - journal, short story, diary. Regardless, I've been writing. So I guess that makes me a writer.

When I lived in San Diego I would write for hours and hours. I have dozens and dozens of note pads with my stories that date back sixteen years. I also have hundreds of pages on my computer that I have titled and constructed into a book but I just don't like the flow. I've been trying lately to organize it in a manner that makes sense. Do I start from today and write or compile it backwards? Do I start from the beginning and move forward? I guess that's the art of being a writer. Take the time to write but also spend the time to spin it in a way that makes it appealing. Then find a way to get it in the right hands. Again it goes to show you when it comes to me and my own project I come up short but if someone else was to approach me with their work or project I'd have them on the best sellers list across the nation.

When I was 18 yrs. old I went to visit my parents who had recently moved to California. They took me to the beach and I was amazed at the beauty. The homes caught my eye. Dwellings whose backyard was an ocean. It was there that I had my first vision of being a writer. I could see myself in a room with the curtains flopping around from the wind, Steely Dan playing in the background, and me at a typewriter penning my book. I tell you this because I had that moment where I saw it. I heard it. And I smelled it. It was where I would be someday. Now I know it sounds crazy, but it happened.

I'm not sure if I'm a good writer but recently I found an old junior high newspaper and a story I wrote in there. It wasn't bad, especially for a young 13 yr. old with little experience and one who never made anything higher then a C average in English class. I also found my sports articles in the yearbook that I had written and thought to myself that those entries were pretty good as well. I had and still my have my own style of writing and I should be grateful for that. Not sure if anyone ever read my writings, or even my blogs today, but at least I'm writing. Reminds me of the Franklin Covey seminar I attended years ago. The speaker pointed out that if someone writes just one page a day for an entire year that they'd have a 365 page book a year later. Its taken me sixteen years to write 400+ pages.

I have an idea for a fictional book. It has to do with a mattress. The mattress is introduced in the beginning of the book because it's in an apartment where a homicide has been committed. The story follows the journey of the mattress in a low poverty neighborhood and all the bad that comes and surrounds the mattress. Similar to the Samuel Jackson movie "The Red Violin" that follows a violin through the centuries. My idea is to incorporate the same concept but fill in the story with my own experiences or storyline. I like short stories that blossom out of one story.

When my kids were young and we had every kid on the block at the house I would entertain the group by putting together different activities. We would go on rock explorations. Explorations that had us search for fossils in rocks, but more importantly, I would have the kids find a rock that they could paint. After they were done painting I would have them tell the other kids a story about where their rock came from. They would make up stories and create elaborate tales. Another project was story building. I would get all the kids together and we would create a story as a group. I would start it out and then they would build on to it. One I remember clearly was about a dirt road. We had a dirt road that oddly started in our sub-division and disappeared in & over a grassy hill on some vacant land. The kids, being too young to explore this real estate, could only assume where the road went. I was amazed by the creative and detailed stories that came about from these sessions. The mind is a beautiful muscle.

Well I am done for now. I have to figure out what my next move is. If anyone wants to give me an advance on my bestseller just let me know. I'm sure we can take the few dollars I'd get and go buy some items off the dollar menu at some fast food joint somewhere. Have a great day and use your mind, because the mind is a terrible thing to waste!   

Something Isn't Right

I made it through the scare of losing Kaylee to leukemia. A roller coaster ride that lasted years. But just as that nightmare ended, another one started. My son Landen, a beautiful and healthy 20 yr. old boy, was killed while riding his skateboard in San Marcos, CA. The death, delivered by a hit and run driver, has left me lost and devastated. My head hasn't been right and my heart hurts beyond words. I'm damaged.

I know you're suppose to grieve and come to terms with situations but I feel like I am sick. The illness that struck Kaylee combined with the loss of Landen has left me drained. It has sunk me so far into depression that I pray each night for the strength to make it through the next day. I have no one to talk because I feel like no one understands. I find it hard to go to sleep because I don't want to wake up or face the next day. I haven't received any professional help, which I need badly, because it's a service I can't afford at the moment. My family is also suffering. They know something isn't right with dad.

I'm so disappointed with myself because I feel I've let so many people down. I spent so many years trying to help others and do kind things but now I can't even help myself. So many things have turned bad. I have always taken care of my family but I have fallen down and I haven't been able to pick myself up. Financially I have went belly-up. My drive and ambition disappeared January 13, 2012. The day Landen was pulled from life support.

Sometimes I think how bad things were when we spent nearly two years in the hospital with Kaylee. I try to find strength in those sad days. Days we sat there not knowing what was going to happen next. Days we would have given anything to have our little girl's health back. But it's hard to compare because I have to deal with the fact that my boy is dead. A young man who had a whole life ahead of him. I sometimes wish I was with him because I don't want him to be alone.

Sadness, sadness from heartbreak and loss, physically hurts. My heart beats but it feels broken. I had so many things I needed to say to him. I wanted to watch him surf. I wanted to watch him get married. I wanted to see him become a man. A great man. Those things will never come now and it hurts. So many people say he's in a better place but that doesn't always help. It's something you say because there isn't anything else to say.

Kaylee had a shoulder replacement last week. She's been in bed recuperating. She's been sleeping propped up with a shoulder sling that looks so uncomfortable. The doctors predict she may need the other shoulder replaced sometime as well as her knees. There's also talk of her ankles needing a fuse job. Unbelievable. She just turned 20 yrs. old and she's having work done that an unlucky 80 yr. old would have. The prolong chemo and steroid use has devastated her little body. A tough thing to watch. But I begged God to leave her here, and he did, so I can't be too sad or mad. It's the hand we've been dealt.

You never know what life is going to give you. Some say that God only gives the strong the big loads. If that's true, I need to get a message to him soon so I can let him know that my legs are weak and my back is hurt and I can't take another load. It's funny how you can go through life and feel invincible until something hits you hard. I do believe there is something behind all this but I just haven't figured it out yet. I guess its what I do with it and how I come out of it.  
  

Appreciation

This morning I went to McDonald's at 7:30 am. I made my selection through the drive-thru and proceeded to the first window to pay. After dishing out my $8.24 for breakfast for two, I headed to the second window to pickup my order. The window opened and there stood a woman in her mid-forties. Her smile was genuine.

I often go to this McDonald's because it is close to the house. I know most everyone there because I have a habit of talking to anyone and everyone. I had never seen this woman so I assume she is new. Since the wind was a little chilly this morning I told her she needed a coat. Her response was that she was fine and that it was warm enough inside the restaurant. She said all that without losing her smile on her face. I could tell that this lady was sincerely happy.

The unusual part of this whole transaction was that I got the feeling that this lady was happy to be where she was. We all frequent drive-thrus weekly if not daily and to take notice of something as simple as a fast food worker was out of the ordinary for me and probably for any of us. But that smile was intriguing to me.

I came to the conclusion that this woman was happy that she was employed and it didn't matter where it was. I was impressed. Most of us wouldn't want to be working in a McDonald's but you never know when being accepted will come as a blessing. I am totally speculating about this whole scenario, but I couldn't help but play out the different reasons how Ms. McDonald arrived at the window serving me my meal. I thought she may have applied at several different jobs without any response. McDonald's may have been her only offer and she was happy to take the employment - regardless.

Why I took the time to ponder this lady and her situation was and is somewhat puzzling. I actually felt wonderful for her and it made me feel great. Seeing someone with a smile on their face makes me feel good. I get pleasure from happy people. I think I'm in love with happiness. To see people content and with joy fills me with admiration but sometimes it's envy that I feel.

So often I am restless and unsatisfied. Not that I should be but I think it's human nature to want more, to sometimes think you should be somewhere else or that you deserve more. The unfortunate thing is that we don't realize we are on the path that we are suppose to be on until we get to where we're going. I often want to fast track the process but it doesn't work that way. You sometimes have to go through the shit to get to the gold.

I was sidelined for an entire year due to an injury last April. I was in the hospital for nearly a month and was confined to a rented hospital bed for four months wondering - why me. I couldn't figure out what the plan was for me and how broken bones fit into the plan. I still have trouble walking and the pain in my legs becomes unbearable sometimes but I have realized that God took my wheels away from me because I was on a crash course. After Kaylee's sickness I was making up for lost time by going out more than I should have. I was socializing with a crowd who had little responsibility and time to kill. That association nearly cost me my life.

Today I know where I am going and the reasons why I had time to gain clarity. It was part of my road to stop and evaluate my life and take stock. It was the best thing that happened to me. I found a new appreciation for my life and the direction I'm heading in. The nasty accident wasn't what I would have wished for but it was delivered and I have to thank God my brain wasn't injured. My strengths are my creativity and drive. So after my encounter with Ms. McDonald I am going to smile a little more and be thankful that I have a goal and mission in life. Slinging Egg McMuffins might not be for me but I do appreciate that there is something for everyone!

Windows

Hello! It's been awhile since I've written a blog or even looked at the blog. My daughter Kaylee is doing great. She just completed her first semester and she is loving it. Although she has to see her Oncologists on a scheduled timetable the trips are far less as frequent as they use to be. When she goes it is to check her blood and immune system. I wish I could tell you more about it but I can't because I'm not the medical guru I should be.

Kaylee's body was damaged during the chemo and steroid cycles. The steroids and chemo affected/destroyed her cartilage, tendons, and ligaments in her shoulders and ankles. The hips might be damaged as well but the true pain is in her shoulders. We recently found a great doctor who is trying everything in the book to save Kay from having shoulder replacement surgery. The fact that she is so young is troubling because the surgery only lasts 10 - 20 years which means she'll have more than a few in her lifetime.

I looked at the blog today and thought to myself how things change. When I started this thing I was such a mess. Sadness dominated my day and the thought of loss, loss of my daughter, paralyzed me. Today is totally different. My thoughts and worries have drifted away from sickness and the roller coaster ride it brings, to other things. Some of you might have the perfect life and if you do I applaud you, but for me it seems that there's always something that I'm having to deal with that I don't want to. Nothing is comparable to the battle my kid had to fight with cancer but there are things that seem to inflict just the same.

When I lived in San Diego I would fall asleep looking out the window on my side of the bed. The view has absolutely beautiful. Our home sat in a canyon and you could see across the other side and it appeared as if there were a mountain ridge an arm reach away. If the moon was out it was as if you were looking at a postcard picture. I sometimes recognized the beauty but more times than not - I didn't. My mind was always racing with events that had transpired during the day, upcoming obligations, or whatever else I could find. I write about it today, because just like that window, there are beautiful things around me that I don't take the time to notice because I am too focused on other things in my life. And just like that window, it isn't until months or years later that I realize what I had in front of me.

I tell myself time and time again to slow down and enjoy the moment but for some reason I find it hard to do. I don't think I do it intentionally, it's just the way I'm programmed. I rush, rush, rush, for no apparent reason. Raising my children I truly appreciated all the moments not while they were happening but years later. I'm a three year guy. It takes me three years to recognize the beauty that I had in front of me. Why I'm writing this I have no idea, but I'm guessing that its because I've let too many things slide by and I'm not going to do it anymore.

Life is too short to be miserable. Negativity and ugliness in your life can be replaced with good positive things. Don't be a three year man or woman. Enjoy today and all that it brings. If something brings you down or if you find it is rotten, cut it off. Life goes too quickly and it's too easy to settle for things that aren't healthy. Take my advice and recognize the beauty that is in front of you while it is there. If you find beauty in a window while you lay down to sleep then enjoy the million dollar view and appreciate it because you never know when the scenery might change.