One last Slim Jim...

Today we had to put our beautiful dog to sleep. He was so sick and in pain that we moved the procedure up a day. I stayed up last night until 4:00 am with him because he couldn't get comfortable. His body and spirit went on a major decline since this last weekend. It was tough to watch.

I had to be a CMH this morning at 10 am and we did our thing there. Kaylee had some tough chemo and a hurtful spinal tap. I left CMH somewhere around 3 pm so I could decide what my plan was going to be with Garth. Christian stayed home from school today so he could spend some time with his dog. It was really hard for Christian. But after watching the dog shake uncontrollably he too thought we should end his pain immediately.

It was around 5:30 when he went to sleep. I thought I was going to have to do it alone but Christian said he wanted to be there with Garth. So we waited for Kaylee & Tammie to get home. Kaylee wanted to see him off before we headed to the vet. She has so much going on with her health and her recovery that her view on health issues with the dog is a little less sympathetic then maybe Christian's. When Kaylee arrived home she had an Arby's Roast Beef sandwich for Garth. After he ate that, me and Bubba took Garth through the bank drive-thru to get some of the doggie biscuits they give out. We then proceeded to Quiktrip for one last Slim Jim for the big guy. It was all sad but comforting knowing that we gave him a great last meal.

We cried on the way there but pulled it together when we got in. The wait was somewhere around 30 min. before we were called in. The receptionist kindly informed me when we checked in that Laura Horseman, a great friend of Tammie and me since high school had paid for the procedure. Laura is an animal lover, animal advocate, and animal trainer that knew the condition of our dog and wanted the suffering to end. We have never had to do this before and Laura wanted to make it as easy for us as possible. We thank you Laura for thinking about our family and your generousity was greatly appreciated.

Christian was told he could wait outside but he told the Dr. he wanted to be there. Garth was always afraid of the vet and being left there so I regret that I took his collar off right before the procedure. He looked at me with confusion. I wish I wouldn't have done that. They sedated him and he was very calm. I held him and kissed him and told him how much I loved him. Christian looked the other way until the Dr. told him to come and say goodbye. Garth was very still but when Christian walked up he made eye contact with Christian and that was it. We said our goodbyes and left. Christian wanted me to hold him like he was a little kid again. He wanted the security of his father's hug! Well I gave it to him and he unknowingly returned the love to me by holding me too. I was sad and hurting as much as anyone. The most touching thing for me was that Christian traveled with me so I wouldn't have to do it alone. He is such a kind hearted person. Even though this appointment was the most painful thing he has ever had to do, he went to make sure I was OK! Garth was the best dog any family could ever have. Thank you Garth for watching over my family, I love you.

Amazingly empty...

I'm writing again. It's amazing how I can't find any thing to write about or how I could care less to write when things are back to normal. I say normal in relevance to our lives. My daughter does chemo nightly at home and we still have to journey downtown to Children's Mercy Hospital for spinal taps and aggressive treatments once a month. We will continue like this for years until they say she has completed her protocol but we are normal today for what life has dealt us as a family.

I write when I need to release something. My confusion today is my dog and more importantly my son. My dog is sick and the mood around here is sadness. We've been through so much that this sickness with the family pet is just another marker in our lives. My son was almost unable to go to school today because our dog is sick and he knows what fate he is going to meet in a day or two. I feel terrible. We had to call the school to inform them if he didn't get all his homework done or if he breaks down there's a reason. The school was nice enough to send an email to all his teachers so they would be aware of his state. They came up with the idea and I think they are wonderful to do such a caring thing. I guess it was a preventive measure of sorts.

For me I'm just relieved to have Kaylee feeling great. I was in the trenches for such a long time that I'm grateful for the moment. My son tucked his pain and sadness away when it dealt with Kaylee. He grabbed his dog a little closer and worked his way through his sorrow with the dog. He literally said it was the dog that helped him get through the days and nights when mom and dad were at CMH fighting for Kaylee's life. Now he has to let go of his preserver and I'm sure he feels scared that his post, the dog, is leaving him.

I know all this may seem goofy to most but it makes you realize how dynamic everything is in one's life. A dog. A sister. A family. Security. I feel that I've had the opportunity to see deep inside what makes a family tick. Although it is easier to say that everything works in harmony when it could be me that disrupts that flow. Do I do all that it takes to be the best man? Not always. Do I still gamble on bad decisions? Sometimes. Do I take for granted that an engine or life must run on all cylinders if it's to function normally? Most of the time, but not all the time.

Life has a way of letting you peek in sometimes so you can get a feel of what good or bad lies beneath the surface. We've had that peek and sometimes I measure myself by it. There should never be anything out there that can shake me because I've been shaken too hard. But I do get nervous or scared about things that have zero importance when it comes to the things that I've seen. But somehow I still get fears over business deals. I'm self employed and I get scared over bills and insurance policies. I get those insecurities and I often have people tell me that if they'd been where I've been then they could conquer anything. Well it seems that it should work that way but often the sickness and heartbreak opens your eyes to the vulnerability of your state. So again I say life is funny. What you think would make you the strongest person ever, sickness in your child, can also make you want to become just a normal provider with a normal routine to secure a normal existence.

As simple as it would be to live my life like an ordinary person at an ordinary job, well, it's just not me. I have my eye on doing things my way on my terms. So if doing it my way means that I have to worry just a little more than others waiting for a paycheck from the Human Resource Department then so be it. Some people are meant to be butchers, policemen, and doctors. I was put here for something else. I just have to follow through and steer my course. But enough about me and my path, today it's about Christian Michael Quijas and his dog named Garth!