When I Needed It Most

I was at KU Hospital all day yesterday with a friend who was recently diagnosed with bladder cancer. I went with him to get a port installed in his chest for his upcoming chemotherapy treatments. He's 71 years old and a great man & great friend.

I haven't really been in a hospital since pulling my son off of life support over two years ago. Kaylee had her final visit  to Children"s Mercy Hospital a couple weeks ago but that was a joyous occasion. So I didn't get choked up like I normally do. Yesterday was a different day for me. I wasn't there as a parent, thank God, and I wasn't there for any special project other than being a friend. 

But I did get choked up with sadness once or twice yesterday. What choked me up was my friend"s fright. Fright of the cancer, fright of the surgery, the fright of the statistics that come with cancer. I teared up when he told me he was scared. He was scared of dying.

I could only think about how nobody wants to die. A child, a middle aged man, or a 71 year old man who feels he still has a life to live - no one. It broke my heart watching his eyes as the nurse went over all the paperwork for the surgery. You could tell it was all surreal for my friend and overwhelming. I hurt with him as well when they stuck his arm with the first needle.

I pray that he will be strong, healthy and happy. I hope someday that no one will ever have to fear sickness or death ever again. But most of all, I give thanks that my daughter is here today and that my prayers were answered when I needed it most.

Hey There, Roommate.

A few nights ago I went to Oklahoma Joe's BBQ. I had dinner with a friend and during the navigation of the long line and at the table we had a great talk about life. My friend who is three years older and single told me he was tired of being single and wanted to find a woman closer in age to him compared to the younger one's he's been dating. This friend is 48 years old and looks 30. A good looking guy who has the ability to date almost anyone from their 20's to whatever age he should choose. But the realization that someone closer to his age would make him happier than just a pretty face.

While we were talking after dinner in the parking lot a policeman patrolling the property walked up and joined in on the conversation. The three of us talked about relationships. Me, a friend, and a random stranger with a gun. The officer explained his relationship and said it was 25 yrs mature and that just like anything it takes work on both ends. I agreed that I wasn't totally innocent when everything dissolved. I played my part. I could have or should have done this or that but didn't. 

Our conclusion after the talk was that when a relationship ends up like a roommate situation it may be time to go. Unfortunately that's what happened in my household. We were two roommates who didn't get along. I'm pretty much on my own now except when my daughter hangs out for a few days. I absolutely love it when she comes over but more less I'm alone and I love it!

It's funny when certain people tell you that you couldn't or can't make it on your own. Although I play dumb sometimes just so I don't have to do certain things, never ever think I can't do anything I set my mind to. I'm single and not dating, which is perfectly fine with me, but I'm starting to think it might be time that I find someone to have fun with. I'm not in the market for a wife, girl friend, or roommate but I do believe that a friend of the opposite sex can have a very positive effect on one's confidence, self esteem, and swagger!

I'm driving home from Oklahoma City today and felt like writing something and this is it. Love it, hate it, or throw it in the trash but take a good look at your life. Figure out if the one you're with is your biggest fan, your lover, or just another roommate! Love the one you're with...

What I Saw Today...

So I've been walking lately to feel good about myself. I hated the way I was feeling and I also got diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes this past November. The disease was coming and I knew it. I seriously laid in a bed from April 26, 2010 until sometime in 2011. Then again in 2012 for 10 months. The lack of movement, exercise, and motion was a sure sign in my mind that the disease was coming. Besides being Mexican and the perfect candidate for the disease, it runs in my family.

I was hurt in April 2010 and had some broken bones. I was in a hospital bed, that was placed in our front room, for nearly 4 months. Then once that was gone, I continued in a wheelchair for nearly a year. Just when my leg was healed in October 2011 my son was killed in January 2012. I collapsed with that one emotionally and mentally for 10 months. I could not get out of bed or off the couch. It was terrible. It became a joke because the kids would have friends come over and I was "THAT" guy on the couch. I can't explain the feeling of losing a kid but I did what you probably weren't suppose to do as far as dealing with it.

So today I am single and living alone. My daughter stays with me often but floats between my place, her mom's, and boyfriend's place. My son has been here once maybe twice. His life is in Lee's Summit and I understand. Plus he's a mama's boy and I can respect that. BUT, I think about myself back in the day and how different I was. I was everywhere. Dallas, Chicago, San Diego, Los Angeles, Florida. There wasn't a place I wouldn't go nor did I think Kansas City was too far from Lee's Summit, Missouri. Just saying...SON!

When I received the news from my doctor about the disease I swore I was going to do exactly as she said and whatever else immediately - but didn't. I was on it at first then got to the point that I just didn't care. I was depressed that I was moving on my own, that I felt like crap, and looked like crap. But one day I thought if I was to watch my sugar, exercise, and stop the obsession with food that I might actually start to feel good. I had been on Xanax for such a long time for all my mental issues that I thought a different approach might be a good change. Plus the anti-depressants I was prescribed gave me side effects I'd prefer not have.

After walking the weight started to drop off. I am down nearly 40 lbs. and I feel great. I love walking. I wish I was running but I can't. The damage to my leg from the accident has eliminated the running but walking is a great thing. I'm a big supporter of the walk. I'm also big on taking notice of what I see when I'm out there doing my thing. So after this big ass intro let me share what I saw today.

I first encountered a kid cutting the grass of a foreclosed home. I could tell he was too young to be from the bank or property company. I came to the conclusion he lived next door and his chore was to cut the grass next to his family's home so it didn't make their property look bad. I respected that. I thought to myself that his parents probably worked hard to purchase a place of their own to raise their family. Their American dream and no neighbor with a defunct loan or tall grass was going to affect that dream. I respect that. I love people who want to give their kids something - especially a life lesson.

I made it a couple miles away and walked past a garden nursery. I saw a thuggish black man, an employee or owner, watering plants. Along with the watering he was tending to the plants in a ballerina sort of way. He was taking care of the plants in a delicate fashion. Pulling what appeared dying little leaves. He didn't see me but I could see that he sincerely cared what he was doing. I thought to myself that I never cared about plants or have I ever taken the time to water one. That was the things Tammie would do and I thought about all the other things she probably did that I never noticed. I appreciated my 25 years with her even more at that moment. But just like a dying leaf sometimes things have to be pulled apart so they can live. Miss you TLQ.

The next thing I noticed was what appeared to be a husband and wife in a convertible having fun. The smile on her face and his grip on the wheel painted a picture for me of what love should be. They were in their 60's, I'd guess, and loving their company. Themselves. Her smile and his grip was only interrupted by the laughter they were sharing. I thought how comfortable is that? Cruising in life with someone you actually love. Now he or she may have been smiling because they just got out of jail but I envisioned what I did and it made me feel good for them. Love.

On my final stretch home I noticed a guy walking up on me. I'm not the fastest walker and he didn't have on a jogging suit so I stopped to let him pass me. I take pride in my street's smarts. If you're walking up on me and think you're going to get something from me, besides a "hello", you just might get the best ass kicking you didn't want. Anyways, I was behind him now. He got a block ahead of me and he waved at a guy, who was about a block ahead of him, using a walker. I could see they were exchanging pleasantries as I approached a block behind. When I got closer, the man who I thought might want more than a hello, was pulling money out of his pocket for the disabled man. I thought how nice is that? This guy who might not of seen his friend in some time was lending a few bucks to the man in the walker who appeared kind of down and out. Helping out a brother. The transaction could have been a drug deal unfolding right in front of me but all the same it made me feel good.

I finished my walk when my daughter noticed me on the side of the road and offered me a ride home. I like to think I'm a good person. I think I like to see the best in everyone and I thank God that he allows me to witness things that I can apply to my own life. Now the young kid could have been burglarizing the house he was cutting the grass at, the thug could have had the owners of the nursery tied up in the back of the joint, the fun driving couple may have just made bail bond, and the walker guy could have just copped some Oxy but I want to believe they were all good stories unfolding right in front of me for a reason. Peace be with you and take a walk! And Cliff...
I promise no more selfies!