Can You See The Image?

Sept. 4, 2007 - This is my blog for Kaylee but it turned out being my blog. I vent, I open up, and I've told our story. The reason I decided to write was to kill time. But that isn't entirely true. When Kay got sick all I could think of was everything she hasn't done.

All I could envision was her not being on this thing called the World Wide Web. I thought shes going to make it on some obituary, some little article about this great person I call my daughter. She would make it on Google with a death. No way! So I started putting her name everywhere I could.

Some of you are going to read this and think that sick bast**rd! Well its true. This little girl that I've had dreams, aspirations, and hopes for - is sick and could ultimately die from this blood cancer. As a parent you wouldn't want to write, think, or say those words. I just did, and the reason is - because that has been our reality for the last 9 weeks!

When this all started I kept having this vision of my child at college on her first night. I vividly could see her in the closet, the time 11:00 pm and shes putting away her clothes. Shes already homesick, but on a new journey so she deals with it. There is this light bulb dangling in the closet without any cover on it, but Kaylee uses the light to put her hangers on the closet pole. This light fixture was the kind, that had the string to turn it on & off. The importance of this thought is irrelevant, but the emotion that I want Kay to feel is so there. The homesick, scared, lonely feelings.

Sure I've thought about Kaylee and the relationships she'll have. There will be sorrow, heartbreak, joy, love, sadness, and so many others I can't even begin to write. But they are going to be hers. As a parent we never think about those things because we take them for granted. I never imagined that Kay might not get to have those raw emotions. I just figured we would deal with the heartache and pain, love and laughter as it came. But then all this stuff started happening around us, it made me realize that I could lose my kid. I never imagined it.

Can I tell you something. A month before Kaylee got sick I erased all her cell phone messages that were saved in my phone. I thought long and hard before I did. I eventually erased them because I thought it was weird that I'd want to keep a message from my daughter, I figured if I saved them it would be bad luck. But theres more. There are these little lcd screens on the cell phones. Well Kaylee would get my phone and put messages. It is meant to personalize your phone with your name or whatever. Kaylee would type in "Kaylee is Alive"

I had my son switch it right before Kaylee got sick. It spooked me. Then we had a picture that I kept waking up to. It is a picture when she was in seventh grade. She is at a relatives house and they snap a picture -I'll post it, she doesn't like it because she thinks she has to much make-up on, but you can tell me if you can see the image in the background.

These things might not have any meaning but this picture goes with us to the hospital every time. I think it is the Virgin Mary, but you decide for yourself.