So I woke up

I woke up super early this morning and headed to the park. I have a friend in tow and we're supposed to be exercising but I stayed back for a minute, and let her start alone. I had to digest some disturbing news, I just received, that a very good friend, over 40 years, is dying from a disease. A condition or illness, I'm left sickened, in a state of shock, I do believe.

I was looking at him after giving me the news. I thought of his mortality as I did mine. We're roughly the same age and if that doesn't smack you right in the kisser I'm not sure what will. For some time now I've been evaluating the things I see in me. Some good, some bad, but it makes no difference because when it all boils down, I'm a good, kind person. I love deep. It's my condition, there are worse I suppose, but I do love more than I ever have. I can honestly say I don't hate. I have flaws but who doesn't. I get worked up, don't always know what to do, sometimes over dumb decisions to be and sometimes it's about those decisions that got by me. I get paralyzed sometimes of what should be...but it doesn't always happen for me, what should be. And as far as I know it, I don't have a fatal disease so I can live with should be but isn't.

I've been by myself more less since December. I've had time to, a lot of time to, make choices of what I want or who I want to be. A little late in life to contemplate which direction I'm going but all the same, you need to slow down and evaluate your course, your trajectory, and the being. I know what I want and what I don't want around me. I know I don't want to fix anything or anyone, and if it's not my flavor, maybe a little too complicated, then I'm going to head the other way. If that person isn't their self, eventually they'll want to be, why waste my time or your time too, just go the other way I'll respect them more tomorrow.

I think it's very convenient, if things don't go your way, just to point fingers. No conscious no meter to read, we're all alone and free. Too much drama, I must agree, see it free and see where it goes. I've been hating myself lately, waiting patiently, to work out problems, But by doing that I seem to be overlooking me. I need a tune-up that's easy to see but not something you'd see if you're really not into me. I'm a big boy who has had his licks before, so don't worry about me, because life has a way of always rewarding me. Unlike those and them, I can always see, that sometimes in life you have to be beat by things that don't always agree with me some of which my stomach doesn't agree.

Well that's enough rambling from me. I once loved so completely. But given enough time and the room to be free, that spark that flame has truly died down. Never again will I forget about me, because things always seem to turn into a game. Who is right and who is wrong, if you're truly in love that shouldn't be. I believe in love and one day someone will be lucky enough to come home to me. Today, though, it's just me, to work on myself, so I am better once more to love until death, as that saying goes. But since it's just me, I've had enough of that stuff, that puts you to shame, and I swear to you all that I'm through with games. I love me enough to say enough is enough. But unfortunately, I can I hate being alone but I no deep down that I have a good soul. But as that other saying goes, it must not have been enough, so much so because she fled in the night, like a thief in the night who took my heart and regardless of the pain, but good for her if she likes to play them games. I'm too old to hurt or be hurt, one day she'll know my love was the real thing!