I'm So Tired Of Being Alone- Al Green

A Cold Drink on a Hot Day

"The moment will arrive when you are comfortable with who you are, and what you are– bald or old or fat or poor, successful or struggling- when you don't feel the need to apologize for anything or to deny anything. To be comfortable in your own skin is the beginning of strength." -Charles B. Handy

I'm in Boise, Idaho for at least one more month. I have been here for over two months working. I leave here and go to a new city. Where? I'm not exactly sure. But it doesn't matter.

I spend most of my nights alone unless I go out with the crews to dinner, drinks, or where ever. But I'm usually alone. That may have bothered me or consumed me just months ago but not today.

It's an amazing feeling when you take stock and appreciate the journey you're on. I'm all alone in an apartment, in bed, with the lights out - and so comfortable. I'd be lying if I said I don't have worries, problems, or unanswered questions regarding what comes next in my life. But all those things do not matter at this exact moment. I'm alright,  right now, right here.

I've been so consumed for years about having people next to me. My family, my friends, or anyone else who wanted to go for a ride. But lately I've found that I'm OK by myself. There's something of a spiritual moment when you realize that you'll be OK. Where ever you put me, what ever is thrown at me, what ever is done to me - I'll be OK! 

I feel good. I feel healthy. But most importantly I feel like I'm starting to accept that my breaths, heartbeats, and wellness belongs to no one but me. If I don't take care of myself no one else is. So I hope that you too are comfortable in your bed, in your skin, and in your life! Finding strength in life is like finding a cold drink on a hot day! 

Just Confused?

So I am high in the sky heading to a new city after spending 3 nights and 4 days in Kansas City for a funeral. I have mixed emotions about my short stay. So here it goes.

 

I was sad I had to go to a funeral. I was sad that 3 young girls lost their father. Sad a wife has to go to bed alone and wake up alone. Sad a mother lost her baby boy. Sad the world lost a wonderful man. Sad I lost my friend.

 

I was mad that life had to change for so many individuals. Mad that a family was saying goodbye to the most important man in their life on a Saturday instead of talking to him on Sunday about future plans. Mad that a wife might be wondering when it was she last kissed or said I love you to her husband. Mad that I don't understand death.

 

I was happy that I was able to attend the services. I was happy that so many people came to pay their respects. Happy to see so many faces I hadn't seen in years. Very happy I had an opportunity to say a few words about this great man and how he impacted my life. Happy that my fear of talking in public didn't win out Saturday and I was able to board this flight with no regrets. 

 

I'm confused. Confused why some of us are here for a very short time and others are here way too long. Confused how some people can be blessed with the comfort of faith during trying times while others aren't. Confused why most of us think we have tomorrow when today's not guaranteed. Just confused. Rest in peace my dear friend Tony Carr.

Tony Dale Carr

From 10-23-2014, Please excuse my language too.

I swore I wouldn't write another blog again but here I am. I've come to the conclusion, for better or for worse, that I have things to say and if I don't write them down or get them out, I'll carry those thoughts or perspectives around with me like heavy luggage. Some might say that there are several other healthy ways to deal with life's curve balls, but for me, writing works. So here I go.

Today I received word that my best friend passed away yesterday. The man who called and told me didn't call for that reason, he just casually mentioned it. Well I must have freaked him out because when he dropped it in the conversation, Did you hear TC passed away?, I lost it.

I cried instantly, not out of sadness, which I was, but out of crazy madness.
I said to him, "slow down motherfucker, what did you just say?"Scolding this man 6 yrs. older than me.
"Did you just say TC passed away?" with complete calmness before the storm. The voice, who has known me for 40 years and who also knew Tony, cautiously answered my questions.
"How did he pass away?" He told me.
"Why are you mad at me Mikey?" He was going to turn it on me now.
"Well I think you called to talk about your car with me, that car isn't Tony Carr,, right?" I asked.
"Yeah, so?" The Bozo says.
"Well, if you know that TC passed why wouldn't you call me immediately when you heard that?" I continue, "You've been around long enough to know that if you were to hear something so terrible and shocking to the world, to me, why wouldn't you immediately excuse yourself from any room, talk, or conference and call me?" Asking in a Kindergarten room sort of way.
"I figured Mary Pat, Stan or Mary Dasta would have called." No dumbo, it's their kid and husband.
"How many people have you had die on you dumb ass?" I asked him coldly. "They ain't calling anyone, they're in shock dumb ass!" I laid it on him. "You called to tell me the way you did, the way you did?" I was finally letting it out. "For some fucked up reason you were jealous for some 40 years about my friendship with Tony. And Randy!" It had come to the surface finally.

This man who was on the other line of the phone had an issue for years regarding me and Tony, then me and Randy. Tony and Randy, both who lived on 39th Ave. took me under their wing when I was 7 or 8 yrs. old. It pissed more than a few others off. Both had things to offer and if you live in an environment where someone has something, you want a slice. Both Tony and Randy had something. Tony had the toys, motocross essentials and other similar things but more importantly he had a head on his shoulders. I mentioned the tangibles first because that's what you'd notice first. But if you spent any time with him you quickly realized he was smart. Lets say you were a criminal, if you were to have a head like that in your group, you'd go further but Tony wasn't that way. He was down the line, straight down the line and if you weren't, he had nothing to say to you. By all means he'd give you a salutation or two but that was it. Tony wasn't stuck up he just didn't tolerate nonsense. If your trajectory wasn't aligned with his, well he had nothing to do with you. I don't think it was snootiness it was just actual and factual, you were a waste of breath to him. His thoughts or logic was that if you're a "fuck up" and it wasn't his concern, then be a fuck up down the road. His chit chat was next to none because where we lived, too much chit chat can get you into trouble. Something he taught me at an early age. Which probably has more than a few scratching their heads, loading their guns, and adjusting and setting their scopes on me due to the fact that I want to be a writer and tell my stories. Seriously.

Then you had Randy Patti. As I got older and my trajectory got off, I was always around Randy because Randy didn't discriminate. He was like the slogan from Lady Liberty, "Give me your tired, your poor..." Randy was Randy. He loved everyone and if your sights and his didn't see eye to eye that was fine by him. If that off sighted-ness became a problem for him he didn't care, he'd just pluck your eye out, smiling and carrying on. To the tune that you'd be left alone with a white pole,cane, dipped in red and a dark set of glasses so quickly that all you'd remember, while Googling, using the Braille system for the visually impaired, if it was TIMBUK 2 or 3 that actually sung, My Future's So Bright. I say that because Randy was quick with responses, and so slick and cool, and calculating, that he would have been singing or humming while permanently stealing your eye sight. Word for word, tune by tune, that was Randy Patti - "My future is so bright I gotta wear shades..."

Tony Dale Carr, was my best friend. Some people, who've known me for years, might scratch their heads when I say "my best friend'. They will base that statement or the scratch on the fact that most of my current friendships, less than 25 years, had never met this great man. As a matter of fact, it had been at least a year since I talked with him and longer since I saw him last. But it didn't matter. He was my best friend and always will be. Let me explain.

Sometimes in life, if you're lucky, you'll meet a person who will change your life forever. This change can be good or bad, but life changing all the same. The time frame can be a brief moment, a short segment, or an extended period that covers a life time. My story is all good, a physical time frame that spread over a dozen years, and lessons that have lasted a life time. If you have a moment I'd like to share it.

In 1977 I moved into a neighborhood in Kansas City, KS called Rosedale. I was only 7 or 8 yrs. old but well aware that this place was notorious for the mean men that it produced. Our street was 39th Ave. and it was well known throughout the city for what you could and couldn't do on that strip of concrete. I was young but well warned of the dangers of this place from concerned city historians, soon to be ex-neighbors, who spoke of the place as if it was the closest thing to hell.

To my amazement it wasn't that bad when we arrived. The neighborhood was worn down but nothing I hadn't seen before. But what was different, was the people who occupied the homes on the block. They had a certain pride in their stride. It was as if they were part of something. Something that you couldn't actually see but something you could feel. It didn't consist of materialistic goods, top notch luxuries, or precious metals or gems but a sense of pride.

So I accepted that there were no luxuries in Rosedale. Just people trying to survive day by day. It was what it was. But to my surprise I found a gift, a precious gem, a treasure in the kid who lived directly next door to me. That treasure came with a name and it was Anthony Dale Carr. Tony Carr, as most people knew him, was six years older than me. At first he didn't have much to do with me because I was 8 and he was 14, not a lot in common at that age, but that quickly changed. We became brothers. He took me under his wing and became the older brother I never had. Tony included me in everything he did. Racing motorcycles, the swim team, the everyday motions of life that extinguished the boredom that a place like Rosedale could easily drape you in.

At first it was just a friendship that passed the time. But after the years went by it became obvious that Tony was teaching me things that would equip me with life skills to overcome the environment we lived in, the problems I might face, and the man he expected me to become. His friendship, sent from God or not, was meant to instill the great qualities that all men should have. He became my teacher besides my friend.

From the age of 8 to 20 years old he was the man in my life. Coming from a single mother household, who worked two full-time jobs, Tony, along with his mother Mary and stepdad Stan, became the set of eyes who watched over me in a neighborhood that could easily swallow the best of saints. I was taught who to watch out for, who to trust, and who to run to incase of help. They became my second family. So the treasure I referred to was much more than a one and done, it was a priceless commodity that paid dividends for many years.

Tony tried to teach me how to cut grass, work on engines, drive, dress, groom, talk, carry myself, politeness, manners, but most importantly he instilled a set of values in me. A moral meter so to speak. Now I have to admit when I got older I deviated away from much that he taught me because I made that decision to do certain things that I wasn't suppose to. I shamed myself but more importantly I felt I had shamed Tony.

Tony had taught and gave me all he could. At a certain point you become responsible for your own actions. You can't blame anyone else or put it off on something other than yourself. Today I feel like I lost out on his kids, his wife, his mother and father because I carried around guilt for the certain shortcuts that I pursued as a young man. Although I went years without talking to my best friend he never stopped loving me. It was obvious every time I resurfaced in his life. We picked up right where we left off and he never judged me for the dark roads that I had chosen years earlier.

I'm signing off by telling the world a few things that Tony did for me. Things that he would have never mentioned but I feel I must. When I was real young he gave me a pair of Niemen Marcus pants that made me feel rich in a poor kid's world, he gave me his Rosedale letterman jacket (any kid's keepsake) so I could put my football and wrestling letters on because we couldn't afford one for me. He taught me how to drive a stick shift automobile and motorcycle. He paid for one or more of my proms and dances. He gave me my first Cash Bond for $100. He took me on a 3 week paid vacation around the country so I could see the plains, mountains, and oceans for the first time. At 18 years old, an hour before I was set to move to Los Angeles with my family, he pulled up to my delight to advise me that I didn't have to go because he was letting me move in with him and his soon to be wife Mary Rose. He taught me how to play tennis, drive a boat, and give weird facial expressions when someone does something stupid.

Finally I have to admit to something only him and I know. The day he was getting married I cried like a baby to him. I told him how proud I was of him and how thankful I was that he gave me the opportunity to see how a great man lived life daily. I only scratched the surface when I listed the things TC did for me. But I guess if I have to sum it up, Anthony Dale Carr loved me and invested in me so I could become a great man. When I grew older and would verbalize my appreciation for all that he had done for me he would always say, "when you become a great man, doing great things, there'll be time to pay me back - with interest". That time is never guaranteed nor has it ever been. I will miss my best friend. Although I have fallen more than once and have struggled like so many others, I have to credit Tony for giving me the tools as a kid and young man to get back on my feet and be the best person I could and can be. I will miss you my brother, I love you.

(I apologize for the quotation marks. I've never really used them, but I've been told that I need to if I'm going to write a book, so I apologize in advance. Here's a confession/secret, I've never used them because they remind me of jail house letters from several of my buddies.
- Mike this guy says, "Give me that jello or your getting the shank..." and in front of everyone, I dropped that jello to the floor, but before hitting the floor, I caught it like a hacky sack player, or Mr. Chuck Norris, and kicked it in his eyes which splattered on his face shooting debris into 5 other gang members eyes and I beat him and the whole prison up just by using jello, I did this while shouting, "I'm Rick James..bitches!" )