Just One More Day

Yesterday got me thinking about what I love, what I miss, and what I want to do. I was in such a terrible place for a long time that I had lost hope. I had given up entirely and didn't care if I was here, on earth, or not. I was so embarrassed to talk about my situation to anyone because I felt like a freak or loser that I couldn't work out my problems internally. The thought of me admitting to someone that I had come to the conclusion that the world would be a better place if I wasn't here was just too much for me to say. But I thought it.

I had worked it out in my head how, where, and when I would go. I tell you this because it consumed me for months but I was so ashamed that I had these thoughts that I didn't mention them. All I could do was pray every morning and night for God, Jesus, Moses, or anyone I had read about in the bible to get me through "just one more day".

You might ask why I'm bringing it up today. The answer is because something incredible happened yesterday and I want to share it because it might help just one person out there. This subject is so taboo that I believe that there might be other men and women out there filled with the same thoughts and I want to share what one more day can bring. I want to share my miracle.

I had always been a tough person. Now if you ever followed my writings during my daughter Kaylee's fight for her life you might dispute this toughness but my strength is a fact. As a kid I didn't always have what the other kids had but I made it up with personality & charm. If I didn't have or couldn't afford a MoPed I would make sure you'd want to walk to your destination because I could convince you that walking was cool. If I couldn't make the invite to a ski trip because of no money I would throw the biggest house party just so you would miss it. And if you gave me or mine any problems in my youth I'd send you to the dentist so they'd have to fix the teeth I knocked out. A fact!

So when everything went bad for me and my family and I couldn't muster up that fight, charm, or personality I just figured I would call it a day. But I prayed to the Lord for one more day. Yesterday I walked early in the morning. I have been exercising just about every day and walking for an hour or two gives me time to think. Yesterday I was excited for the walk because I was down about my son's birthday. His 23rd birthday was a day he never got because he was killed by a man who was drugged and drunk behind the wheel of a car. Although that's a different story I have to finish this one. So after my walk I had a 10:30 am appointment with a printer and with a good friend Arthur Vargas.

On my way to the meeting I looked in the car mirror to see what my hair was doing and to my surprise I liked what I saw in the mirror. I saw a face that I hadn't seen in some time. I saw a guy that I recognized. I saw a guy who is trying to better himself, a guy who is taking the time for himself to feel better about himself, I saw me. For the last few years, I would wash my face, brush my teeth, and do my hair but I never would make eye contact with the man in the mirror. I had lost all self-esteem and worth. But yesterday I thought how important my one more day meant to me and those who love and like ME.

So I guess what I'm saying is that you need to give yourself one more day. Don't devote so much time on things that aren't mentally good or unhealthy. Love yourself and recognize that we all get thoughts - good & bad - and have situations that arise - good & bad - that will pass. I'm walking proof that if you can make it one more day then you can make it one more week, one more month, & one more year!