The Sunshine

I recently started a sales job. Having to be somewhere and being part of something is very healthy for me right now. I'm good at sales. I'm not the most technical person in the room and my product knowledge could be better but what I do have is a certain talent or ability to create relationships. I think the relationships I create and build are real and true. I'm sincere and believe relationships are important, especially in sales. 

I asked a guy today if he was happy. He looked at me in amazement. I think he did so because it was a personal question. A question he wasn't expecting. He said "I'm 62 yrs. old and I'm where I want to be." I thought that must be a great place to be. Then he said, "funny you should ask because I lost my job months ago and I was scared what I was going to do." I listened closely and looked at him even harder. I thought 62 yrs. old, he could retire, enjoy his years with the wife, who he had mentioned earlier. He was an energetic guy, so I could see why he wouldn't want to. But then again, I was just observing and didn't know his story.

"But I knew Jesus would make everything all right." He said.
Hmm. I didn't know what to say. In years past I would get uncomfortable discussing Jesus or God with strangers. Why, I don't know. But today, I don't care. A good dose of Jesus is a good thing and probably just what I need.

I said "it's amazing how things work their way out." Possibly backing out of the conversation in my own way. He laughed and told me he thought it must be fate that we ended up together in a conversation that was initiated by a possible sell. I agreed. I told him that I was certain God put me there at that time. He mentioned Jesus, I threw out God, but whoever it was, I'm certain we were meant to cross paths at that exact moment.

I gave him a quick snapshot of my story. I told him that I was going through the toughest time of my life. I confessed that I could have never imagined that I would be lost at 43 yrs. of age. Starting all over and dealing with incredible loss. The worst part, I told him, was that I had given up. I lost my will to fight. I had become a sad pathetic mess. Not what I had envisioned for myself at this age or stage in my life. He said he understood completely.    

He proceeded to share his story. How he had to leave a small town, hours away for Kansas City, to search for work. Put his house on the market, pack his wife and life up, and have faith that a 62 yr. old man could gain employment in a new city. Something he never could have imagined just a year before. Change at an age, when he was suppose to be coasting through life. Circumstances and events he had no control over.

Our stories were different but the same in a sense. We both had things thrown at us and we both had change to deal with. Our hurt may have been from different sources but the things we had to do were relevant to each of us and to those who love or care about us. His faith in Jesus or God gave him strength and that's great. A healthy crutch or cane, to lift you when you're down, is alright. I applaud those who can find reason to carry on when things look so black & bad. I was seeing nothing but bad for such a long time but today things are looking better as I have a place to be and people to talk to.

It's amazing what the mind and body can do. If you're feeling healthy, your attitude and swagger can carry you places. If not, then your sickness can dictate your direction. A sick person without confidence or self-esteem can quickly dissolve and disappear. I was that sick person for months, if not years. Just slowly slipping away. But I've been digging down deep lately and finding that fighter that was once inside me.

The gentleman I was talking to today, informed me that he was offered a job soon after his arrival to Kansas City. He recently started with the new company. The money is more than he was making in Cape Giradeau, Missouri and his co-workers been kind and welcoming. He knew that Jesus would take care of him. Again, our situations were different but just the same. He was losing sleep over employment and security as I was losing sleep over my own set of circumstances and baggage. The key is making it through the storm. If you can do that, then you know some sunshine is coming your way!

The Drive-Thru Window

Kaylee went to the doctor yesterday for her follow up regarding her recent shoulder replacement. The doctor said it looks good and is amazed at her tolerance for pain. This tolerance is attributed to the pain she had been living with for such a long time regarding her bone deterioration. The shoulder looks good and she is recovering just fine.

It is so surreal to see such a young person, especially your child, having so many medical issues. Kaylee's life has been altered because of all this. While her friends are working,going to school, and living as you'd expect, her world is centered around medical appointments, procedures, and physical limitations. Not a life I had envisioned for her. But the key word here is - "LIFE".

When all the traumatic events unfolded, way back when, with the doctor saying "sorry it's cancer" I literally fell to my knees and begged God to leave her here. At any cost. I didn't want him to take her from us. At one point I pleaded that he could take anything from her - legs, hands, torso, anything - just let here be with us. It's amazing what you will do when you think you're about to loose something, especially a child. 

I have so many friendships that were established from our long stays at Children's Mercy Hospital. Unfortunately, some of those friendships are with parents whose children didn't make it. So heartbreaking. Especially when you know them, the kids, and the fight they went through. It's so close to home and relevant to your life that you almost keep your distance. I mean you feel their pain and you cry because your heart hurts so bad but at the end of the day you know you are in the same pool when medical professionals are talking to you about percentages, mortality rates, and statics. Scary shit!   

I think back to day the doctors told us about the cancer. Me and Tammie, not being an Oncologist or anything close to it, were forced to make decisions regarding treatment. I think they gave us a twenty minute talk about options. Option one) accept a treatment that has worked well since 1972. Or Option 2) take part in a study that has even better results then the 25 yr. old procedure but roll the dice on the side-effects and unknowns.

The door shuts. Hmm? "What do you think Tammie?" She replies, "I have know idea." All the while I'm thinking, I have trouble effectively ordering food from a drive-thru window and I am suppose to make a decision on cancer treatments for the most important thing in my life. Finally I said "lets ask the doctor what he would do if it was his kid OR we can flip a coin." We asked the doctor. Being put in the position to make a decision like that is very difficult. But we made it and the treatment worked. Unfortunately Kaylee got stuck with some ugly and debilitating side-effects but she's here and that's what matters most.

If these bone issues are what we have to deal with, then so be it, I'm fine with that as a parent. I'm just glad he didn't take her. I will be glad when we can get this behind us and move on. It seems like it never ends as far as having commitments and obligations to issues that surrounded the leukemia. Appointments, surgeries, and up & downs. But I will tell you this, no matter what comes our way, I will fight and do whatever it takes for my daughter or anyone else that may need help. Speaking from experience, with Kaylee and Landen, being inside a room, trying to make a life or death decision for your child, is the worst and most difficult thing I think a person could ever face. If you've been there then you know what I mean. It's something I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I'm just glad Kaylee's here. She is such a beautiful person. I've never heard her complain or take pity for herself. She takes everything in stride and stays strong around us even when I know she's feeling low. She's had a few limitations the last few years because of the illness but she lives life on her terms. She isn't a little girl any more and with all she's had to deal with she probably had to grow up a little faster than other children. My daughter and her life is a blessing.

All Aboard!

Like a thirsty man in the desert, searching for water, I am searching for relief through writing. This morning I feel better. It could be because it's my son's birthday and all the reason to celebrate. I don't feel so hopeless today for some reason. For the last several months I couldn't see past the fog. I know there's a lot of people around me who've thought to themselves "enough already"and I agree. But sometimes it takes time to get back on your feet when you've been knocked down.

My brain is starting to work again. I have to tell you, my head just couldn't think right for months or maybe years. I couldn't figure out what I was suppose to do. All these things kept happening to me and my family and I couldn't sort or find reason for them. I guess there's somethings in life that you have to take and not analyze. No rhyme or reason to them, just fate. But whatever the case you have to play the hand you've been dealt.

It's amazing what can happen to someone when they're scared. Your confidence leaves, you second guess everything, and you look for reassurance in all that you do. I have learned that I need to do what I do and do it with confidence. Don't look for approval from others and or guidance because if it doesn't come you will collapse and falter or not make a move at all. You start to fear failure.

I am an entrepreneur. I create things. I design and create commerce out of ideas. If that goes then I go. Most people don't think like an entrepreneur. They may have ideas but they don't put them into action because they are too dependent on working for someone else or they can't afford to follow an idea into fruition because it isn't the norm. I may have crazy ideas or business plans but it's those crazy ideas that can produce a living and it's those ideas that recruits others who are looking to make a living for their families. This time around, I am going to concentrate on making money on one thing at a time. In years past, I would have several things going at once which resulted in me becoming "a jack of all trades and a master of none".

I do feel like my creative juices are coming back. Years ago I wrote in a blog "as long as I have confidence in myself and the path I'm traveling then I'm going to be fine. If I should lose that, then others should start to worry". The entry was regarding my family who couldn't see the vision for InAd TV. TVs in restrooms? Over urinals and in mirrors? Playing commercials? Making money off paying customers by way of a CPU that runs 24/7? That can be remotely accessed via a WiFi connection? Huh? Well it was crazy but it made us a living.

 I wish people could see my vision for my new mannequins. But again I won't wait for approval like I've been doing. If I do it will never come. I will push forward and make my own road. I will pursue my dreams and find a way to feed my family and dig us out of this hole. I feel like a glimmer of hope and confidence is starting to resurface. I need to get back what I have lost. Although there are things that will be gone forever I need to take care of the things that I can salvage and move on from here. I need to be the Captain. And Like a Captain, I need to steer my vessel with confidence. No one wants to get on a plane, train, or automobile if the driver isn't capable, confident, or competent. All aboard!           

Happy Birthday Bubba!

Today, October 2, is my son's birthday. Christian Michael Quijas is 17 yrs. old as of 25 minutes ago. He is a great individual who is finding his way and developing his opinions and beliefs as a young man. He's recently become curious about religion and spirituality and I couldn't be happier. He attended a Joel Osteen service at the Sprint Center with his girl friend and her family. I was so grateful that their family included him. I never pushed or introduced religion to our family unit and have regrets because of it. We lived in California and I never found our place in the religious community. I didn't make the time and I wish I had. I think it's so important to have a relationship with God. Sometimes it's that relationship that gets you through the roughest and toughest of times. I have personally met people who have lost the most precious things in life but made it through with faith. So I sign off by saying Happy Birthday son. I hope you make wise choices in life and treat yourself and others good. Love and be loved.