There'll be sad songs to make you cry...

We're just at 10 1/2 months of cancer. Kaylee is feeling better overall. Although she has certain times where the pain is troubling, there are less and less sleepless nights. Kaylee is also gaining her weight back and her hair is starting grow. I feel like we are adjusting. I remember writing months ago and asking when I would snap out of it. I look back and think that it was alright to be down and confused. At the time I thought I should have been out of the confusion phase and into the taking care of business mode. That was like three or four months into it. I'm still shaken up at times by a song or memory but for the most part I am feeling so much better then those first few months.



I want everyone reading this to know that it is ok to work your way through heartbreak. I was comparing myself to others and thought that my grieving period was lasting longer than those around me. I felt like I was violating time tables. My pain was great and I had to work out of it in my own way. Everyone is different and there's no way of telling how it is going to affect each individual. Was I unusual because I was consumed with the pain and sickness my child was fighting? No. Kaylee is my child, my baby girl and I was devastated that she was diagnosed with cancer.

Sometimes I listen to music and think about our life. The most recent was today when David Cook was singing Mariah Carey's "You'll always be my baby" It made me think of California and the past. I thought back to Kaylee as a little girl. It was a period and time I took for granted. I never connected songs or artists to my child. Well I thought I didn't but I did and I have. I used to just associate Boston, Elton John, and similar groups to my younger years. High school was the association I normally made to music. Yesterday it was Kay and the 90's. I thought again how - if anything ever happened to my loved ones - would it be possible to listen to that music again. I'm not sure. I'm positive that I'm not the first person to question this. I'm sure it happens frequently to people who've had a parent pass away. Those songs.

I don't give it much thought about the "what ifs" but sometimes they do arrive and make me think. Today I must enjoy the music because there's no reason not to. Although if you see me driving and there's a tear in my eye, please be aware that I might not notice you. Elton John, Mariah Carey, or Sarah Mclachlan may have my attention and they may have me somewhere else in time. As Billy Ocean said "There'll be sad songs to make you cry..."