I want to share something that happened to me this afternoon. Kaylee was at her scheduled appointment at CMH for her painful spinal tap and testing. I was at an appointment at the Power & Light when I received a phone call from the hospital. Tammie asked me to come to the clinic because the doctors wanted to talk to me. Tam's whispering somewhat scared me. I asked her what the whispering was about and she said that there was a family that was newly diagnosed and the doctors wanted me to come to the hospital and talk with them. The father was having a difficult time dealing with the news and they wanted me to talk with him. Me!
I cut everything short that I had planned and made my way to the hospital. I was approached by the staff and they asked if I would travel to the floor, the admission floor, and talk with the dad. I agreed. I can not explain the common thread or fraternity that you have when you go through this. It is beyond words. The feelings or emotions are text book. You encounter things that are so out of the norm. You feel alone. You want comfort then you get sick of the phone calls. You get messages of support that you want then you don't. You question statistics and then you ignore them. You ask why God did this to you and not your neighbor. You reason in your head that you could sacrifice your Mother, your wife, or any of your relatives if only God would spare your child. The fog is so thick that life as you know it will never be the same.
I walked to the floor and the father was walking out. He had head phones and running clothes on. The doctor introduced us and left. We talked outside in the lobby. He told me he was tired. I explained that I was not there to promote religion, or minimize. I told him that he will take whatever I say as words and no matter what I say he will say to himself that "this guy doesn't realize the love I have for my kid" I agree, I love my child more than you! It is similar to a break up. You will always have people tell you to stick in there because they did it and experienced it. Well the fact is I told my self that no one knows my pain because Kaylee is one of a kind. I love and feel more than anyone!
The truth is that all these feelings are going to be there in the beginning. Darkness is everywhere and one day turns into the next. I literally thought it was Wednesday when it was Friday. I sometimes felt relief because there was no where I had to be but next to my child. I got sick at times because I knew there was another member of my family, Christian, being thrown out of his routine. It is so overwhelming.
I told him that my blog was my savior and my friend. It really was. I had to find something to occupy me. It was this trust worthy blog! It was funny I said it because it was something that he said he was doing as well. I look back and thank how lucky I was to find my coping mechanism, and how fast I did it. Today I can go back through and read about days I felt like dying and can smile for the fact that I documented my story.
I was honored that the doctors, picked me out of the hundreds that attend the clinic to make this vulnerable man feel better. Hell, maybe I didn't do anything or say anything that was worth listening to. But it did something for me and I guess that's all that matters,
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