So Late...

At night as I lay down to sleep, all the things that are on my plate surface. A normal man might worry about pending bills, a troubled relationship, or bad tires on his car. I lay here and worry about similar things, but at 3:30 AM I am worried about health. If it was my health I probably would be fast a sleep. But these worries are for my family. Kay's physical health, Christian's & Tammie's mental health, and my overall well being.

I just went down stairs and Kaylee is in her room watching TV. I ask if she is feeling fine because she has been sick today. I worry if her sickness is normal or if she is coming down with something. Her immune system is gone and any simple virus could have devastating effects. I love this child so much, that any discomfort is troubling for me. She assures me that she is fine and I travel back to my bed. I have to take her word.

I wonder if Christian is sleeping alright. He had a tough week getting geared for Kay's hospitalization. Even though it is over it has lingering side effects. Tammie is sleeping, but I wonder about the toll this sickness has taken on her. This mother has been through hell. We have been through hell. Again, there are stories worse than ours, but this is our story and it feels like hell any way you slice or dice it.

My other concerns are business. I'm supposed to run a business and be active and I just don't feel it sometimes. I wish someone else could do my job but there isn't anyone. I have meetings all day and it is nearly 4:00 AM. We have to discuss the direction of our business in '08 and the logistics. I'd rather have someone else figure it out. That sounds bad but it's true. I feel like I got us here and now I can pass the baton to someone else that is more qualified. Well I'm the qualified professional and I have duties calling. If I was only changing oil in a mechanic bay at Walmart.

The other night I was at a function and I mentioned Kaylee and cancer, a lady rolled her eyes. I caught it out of the corner of my eye. I can't apologize for bringing it up. It is a part of our lives. It has an impact on all of our daily decisions. I could have said something to the lady, but I didn't have the energy. I had just done a 9-10 hour shift at CMH and I was worn out. But it bothered me. I thought that maybe she thinks I should move on. Well unless you go through something like this you couldn't understand the time, energy, and wear it has on you. It is my life right now.


Well it's my bed time and I just want you to know if I talk or write about cancer, it's only because my child has it. If she had an earache I'd be talking ears, a sore throat I'd be talking throats. Unfortunately its cancer and thats my concentration and my conversation. Good night.