Like a soldier in battle...

No matter how often we check into the hospital it doesn't get any easier. My daughter is sick, she hasn't eaten in 8 days and there is nothing in her belly. To watch her try to get sick with zero in that little beautiful belly is so hurtful. I sometimes fall out of the mode of "this is the situation at hand" to the bystander who gets emotional watching this human being, a young lady, my daughter fight illness. It is some tough shit to watch!

We are here no matter what the counts are, at least 1-2 more days. We get tested again at 10 PM but her release won't come no matter the count. They say she is sick and we have to take measures to get her better, we stay no matter what. They are doing a feeding tube, force fed to get her going. Fluids for dehydration. Pain meds for the throat that is most likely mouth sores that traveled down her little throat.

I haven't cried in awhile but today I've teared up. I watched them reattach Kaylee's port that is used to administer her meds. She was free for a moment then they put the needle back in. She takes it like a soldier in battle but I watched her little eyes shift as they punctured the skin to insert the needle. What the hell. She should be baking cookies or participating in a gossip session. Not squinting from a needle.

When you're a parent of a child going through this, it is easy to get numb. You have to. It is a means to the end. Did I say that right? Well it is survival mode, and we do the motions. But sometimes....

I know some nurses and doctors that work here at CMH, it is surreal to have someone say"Why are you here?" The answer leaves my mouth slowly and rolls off the tongue awkwardly. I never know what the reaction is going to be. Some become overwhelmed with grief. Others point of that it could be worse. Imagine how you would react to that one. A majority of people are speechless. Well it is almost time for our next feeding tube. So I might have to break for a moment.

Our stay is eight days, nine days tomorrow and possibly ten by Friday. Exhausting. I'm trying to do a merger with a great company but I'm so out of it. I assume I have the best guys in the world handling the negotiations but the possible partners like to meet with me every so often. I'm so deep in this unpredictable battle, this battle that goes in 10 different directions, that it is hard to focus on questions when we do meet. My security for my family is so important but the part of me that has to focus on that mind set is absent at these times. Admissions, dehydration, kidneys, mouth sores, needles, and starvation drains this parent!