During the holidays you hear of stories of people giving. I also hear people talking about giving. This dialogue picks up more as the holidays approach. This year I'm more aware of the speech and more interested then years before. I've always been the type to take a minute to listen to the feel good stories. The beautiful thing is to hear about people doing good things. Deep inside it was always the thing that we could count our blessings because it was someone else and our family was doing just fine. Sure we would have the occasional crunch time with Christmas or we would have the loneliness because we were so far from our family, being in California. But we didn't have the problems of sickness or personal trauma. This year is different.
We will be in the hospital for Christmas this year. This is our reality this year. So many years we have planned our night out. We wait til the kids are deep asleep and we do different things. Some years we would leave certain things unwrapped to pretend Santa left them. Sometimes we would let the kids pick out one present and open it. Other years we would be at a relatives house and the kids would get to open presents that night. This year will be unpredictable.
There's a fine balance you have to walk. We have Christian and it has to be the same as usual but even that is impossible. The last 12 years he would wake Kaylee bright and early to open their presents. Kay is one that can sleep, even on Chrsitmas morning. As parents there was that feeling of "we made it happen again." I am so amazed at the memory factor. We create our children's memories. We send them off to their families with a road map of "how we did it as kids" , this is very special to me. I take pride in raising my family.
I usually count back on Thanksgiving and give thanks to the years. On Christmas it is producing memories that will be tucked and carried with my little ones for a life time. The baking, the dinner, the gifts, the love. I love it. I love my family, I love that they are with me, and I love that they are mine. The holidays are a time stamp for me. They come and go but they hold in my heart.
Back to the giving, it is so surreal to think that we fall into that category of heartbreak. I'll regret that word when I read this again but it is heartbreaking. Christian will have only one of us there this Christmas. Kaylee will be sick beyond words. This sickness is far beyond any words that I can write. My Tammie will be a soldier as she always is, unfairly. Tammie has had a thing about the holidays since we've had kids. She loves them. Stressful on me at times to produce, but pure joy for her. These holiday times have be amplified since the passing of her father in 1999. She loves her family more and appreciates more. This holiday will take her from that appreciative mother and daughter to her soldier mode. Heartbreaking for me.
I have to clarify a thing or two. If my child fell and broke her arm on December 23, it would be heartbreaking to me. If my son was in the military and was shipped to Iraq, heartbreaking. If you were my neighbor and your kid was diagnosed with cancer, it would break my heart. I say this because we are living a life that has us in rooms weekly with people who have stories worse then us. My reality before was that anything, anything that hurt my family and caused discomfort or pain was hurtful to me. Now that we are fighting legitimate sickness and part of this fraternity of parents who have children battling, it's almost unacceptable to complain. I don't like that. Every word that I speak about sickness and her hurt is silently countered with "at least your child has the good kind of cancer, or you don't know what it's like to .... " I'm sympathetic to all, but to be honest, if my child had a hurtful earache it would have been tough on me 6 months ago. Throw in blood cancer and an admission on Christmas and I'll tell you that it hurts badly. Regardless what anyone else has to fight, Kaylee Marie Quijas is my baby and I hurt for her!
We will be in the hospital for Christmas this year. This is our reality this year. So many years we have planned our night out. We wait til the kids are deep asleep and we do different things. Some years we would leave certain things unwrapped to pretend Santa left them. Sometimes we would let the kids pick out one present and open it. Other years we would be at a relatives house and the kids would get to open presents that night. This year will be unpredictable.
There's a fine balance you have to walk. We have Christian and it has to be the same as usual but even that is impossible. The last 12 years he would wake Kaylee bright and early to open their presents. Kay is one that can sleep, even on Chrsitmas morning. As parents there was that feeling of "we made it happen again." I am so amazed at the memory factor. We create our children's memories. We send them off to their families with a road map of "how we did it as kids" , this is very special to me. I take pride in raising my family.
I usually count back on Thanksgiving and give thanks to the years. On Christmas it is producing memories that will be tucked and carried with my little ones for a life time. The baking, the dinner, the gifts, the love. I love it. I love my family, I love that they are with me, and I love that they are mine. The holidays are a time stamp for me. They come and go but they hold in my heart.
Back to the giving, it is so surreal to think that we fall into that category of heartbreak. I'll regret that word when I read this again but it is heartbreaking. Christian will have only one of us there this Christmas. Kaylee will be sick beyond words. This sickness is far beyond any words that I can write. My Tammie will be a soldier as she always is, unfairly. Tammie has had a thing about the holidays since we've had kids. She loves them. Stressful on me at times to produce, but pure joy for her. These holiday times have be amplified since the passing of her father in 1999. She loves her family more and appreciates more. This holiday will take her from that appreciative mother and daughter to her soldier mode. Heartbreaking for me.
I have to clarify a thing or two. If my child fell and broke her arm on December 23, it would be heartbreaking to me. If my son was in the military and was shipped to Iraq, heartbreaking. If you were my neighbor and your kid was diagnosed with cancer, it would break my heart. I say this because we are living a life that has us in rooms weekly with people who have stories worse then us. My reality before was that anything, anything that hurt my family and caused discomfort or pain was hurtful to me. Now that we are fighting legitimate sickness and part of this fraternity of parents who have children battling, it's almost unacceptable to complain. I don't like that. Every word that I speak about sickness and her hurt is silently countered with "at least your child has the good kind of cancer, or you don't know what it's like to .... " I'm sympathetic to all, but to be honest, if my child had a hurtful earache it would have been tough on me 6 months ago. Throw in blood cancer and an admission on Christmas and I'll tell you that it hurts badly. Regardless what anyone else has to fight, Kaylee Marie Quijas is my baby and I hurt for her!
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