Unpredictable Battle...

It is 9:46 PM on Sunday November 4, 2007 - We have been waiting for Kaylee to get released. Her counts aren't at a level to be released. We are waiting until 11:00 PM to check them again. We were certain that we would be home early but this disease is unpredictable.

We received the news that one of our kids on the fourth floor passed away today. This little angel was 10 yrs. old and fought until the end. Her name was the same as Kaylee's. It is so surreal to see these children playing or doing craft time one day and finding out they contracted a simple infection, cold, or virus the next day. You are exposed to sadness, sorrow, and pain weekly. I would have never imagined having talks with parents about losing children. To see a parent during the week and then finding out they lost their battle is sickening.

I worry about Tammie listening to these stories. I keep a distance from everyone on our floor because I can't go there. I am worried about our battle and our recovery. I love everyone on the floor, I have empathy for every person fighting disease, and I pray for everyone. But I am emotional and I can't get close to most. I have to survive and if that means keeping a distance then I'll have too.

Tammie stays most nights so she is part of the group. They cross paths in the parent room or in the halls. Every time I hear a tragic story it pounds home the severity of what we are against. Cancer, blood disease, leukemia. It is such a reality check that you sometimes wonder how in the hell did I get here? I'd do anything not to worry about my child. How I use to take things for granted. Our life was about who was staying where, and who was spending the night. It was a simple time not too long ago.

Yesterday we had a visitor, one of the patients, named Kari. She is fighting the same thing as Kaylee. She is fourteen and came to visit Kaylee. They played UNO and talked. We all talked about leukemia and she said something that was so beautiful. She said "My mother tells me God won't give me more then I can handle."

I can only write and spill my emotions, can you imagine being the one doing the battle?