The Unknown...

Kaylee checked into Children's Mercy Hospital this afternoon. We arrived at 12:17 PM, seventeen minutes late. My fault. I was running late so everyone ran late. My apologies Mercy Hospital.

Kaylee is doing a chemo that is monitored. I am not sure about the details, but she can go home once it leaves her system. They flush it out with fluids and folic acid? I came up short on the medical degree but I do recall that's what they said. Don't hold me to it and don't try to administer chemo with my directions.

The nurse told us its hard to say when we'll get out, each kid is different. We pray it will be Friday or Saturday. I'm going to bet Kay gets out Friday, she is a fighter. I hope Tammie will be able to attend the functions this weekend. She is looking forward to seeing everyone. But she said she's going to pass if Kay feels sick, at all. We will see.

The dog is fine but has a 5" incision on his back. He looked at me this morning with confusion as I walked out of the vet office. I wonder what he thought. I know what I thought but more importantly -what I felt. I felt sickness. Sick to my stomach as I drove off and left another member of my family. I love my dog, and I love my family. I'm sick of doctor visits, admissions, and the vet. I'm tired. I'm tired of the unknowns. I can't explain my unknowns or I'm not sure if I'd want to, but they're there.

I can't concentrate or get consumed with what ifs or unknowns. But they are closer and more of a reality then ever before. When I went out last night Tammie told me to be careful. Be careful. I never really knew what she meant when she said that. Now I do. Tragedy can strike anyone at anytime. I'm worried about suffering. I worry how my son would feel if Garth becomes ill, how Tammie would react if I was injured, or how Kaylee would react if her moms healing hands weren't working.

My personal unknowns are:

1. If I could walk into this house if I ever lost one of my loved ones.

2. If I'd be able to drive a car again if I didn't have that smiley face sitting shotgun.

3. If I could listen to music again without hearing my favorite voices in the background

I'm terrified of my unknowns...