I'm finding it difficult to sleep. I go downstairs and pass my child's room and I can't help but think how things were different 5 1/2 months ago. Kaylee was staying the night at friends and not the hospital. We took pride in the fact that we had healthy kids. Although life was challenging it never included health issues. Today is much different.
I go to the hospital and they flag me in because they know me. The gatekeeper knows our cars and the friendly wave I try to muster each time I pass. The cafeteria help knows me and often say "So you're back." The janitor that works our floor says "Welcome back!" The security at the check in says "How's she doing?" To much for a guy that never had to take the kids in for sickness or health related issues.
Tonight I find myself concentrating on anger. I'm angry that my child is sleeping in a hospital room across town when she should be ironing clothes for tomorrow's school day. Angry that
Christian has to spend another night without his mother & sister. Angry that I can't sleep because I worry about the weather and my girl's drive home tomorrow, if they get to come home.
On a different note I'm grateful that we have a beautiful home. Grateful that we live in a community that is safe by most standards. We live a comfortable life in a neighborhood most would die for. Our life was comfortable but now it is filled with things that are really important. Would I want to worry if the neighbors think our grass is too long again? Yes. But I don't care what the neighbors think anymore. So unlike me. Now I'm the guy with leaves in the front yard where I was the guy that would make sure his business was being handled. Now I'm worried about the kid that is down the stairs and around the hall.
I want everyone to know that I like my life and everything that I've been blessed with but I'm tired. Tired of worry and tired of the pain my child has to endure. I want my kids to live life and not worry about the things we are confronted with. Wishful thinking but unrealistic. Maybe it's because of me that we have to go through this. Maybe I did something to anger God. Not likely but a thought.
Well I'd better go because I have to wake at 6:00 Am and it is 2:30 AM. Good night and sweet dreams.
I go to the hospital and they flag me in because they know me. The gatekeeper knows our cars and the friendly wave I try to muster each time I pass. The cafeteria help knows me and often say "So you're back." The janitor that works our floor says "Welcome back!" The security at the check in says "How's she doing?" To much for a guy that never had to take the kids in for sickness or health related issues.
Tonight I find myself concentrating on anger. I'm angry that my child is sleeping in a hospital room across town when she should be ironing clothes for tomorrow's school day. Angry that
Christian has to spend another night without his mother & sister. Angry that I can't sleep because I worry about the weather and my girl's drive home tomorrow, if they get to come home.
On a different note I'm grateful that we have a beautiful home. Grateful that we live in a community that is safe by most standards. We live a comfortable life in a neighborhood most would die for. Our life was comfortable but now it is filled with things that are really important. Would I want to worry if the neighbors think our grass is too long again? Yes. But I don't care what the neighbors think anymore. So unlike me. Now I'm the guy with leaves in the front yard where I was the guy that would make sure his business was being handled. Now I'm worried about the kid that is down the stairs and around the hall.
I want everyone to know that I like my life and everything that I've been blessed with but I'm tired. Tired of worry and tired of the pain my child has to endure. I want my kids to live life and not worry about the things we are confronted with. Wishful thinking but unrealistic. Maybe it's because of me that we have to go through this. Maybe I did something to anger God. Not likely but a thought.
Well I'd better go because I have to wake at 6:00 Am and it is 2:30 AM. Good night and sweet dreams.
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