To Whom It May Concern - There's no egg knocker or callused fingers here...

I'm possibly at the worst place ever in my life. It's so hard to gauge things when you're distressed because one horrible situation is hard to compare to another - but this is probably my most challenging moment. I'm alone. I have been since the last week of December. I've had very little contact with anyone. I've been out of town a couple times but not for resolve but to act like I'm just enjoying myself with the company I'm keeping but it's not the case.

For several months I was the fool thinking I'd be getting back with my ex-girlfriend but I read that all wrong. She was actually done and I couldn't read the writing on the wall. It wasn't as if she was playing or fooling me - quit the opposite. Her message was loud and clear - it's over, but in my way I thought there's no way. I'll talk reason, confess my love, and we'll pick up where it was good and forget all the rest. No can do. That shit strategy was hit with resistance and I still couldn't take it for what it was.

I'm so lost. I have no one to turn to. I figured I'd pull through like I have always done but today I have a moral meter. At one point or most of my life I'd do WHATEVER it took to get results. Things have changed and I'm trying to live with integrity, dignity and with feelings. I don't want to hurt anyone else, ever again, so I can get up, come up, or rise up. I need help. For the record, it takes a lot to confess what I just confessed to. Self-pride, honor, and dignity go out the window when you speak words like that. But today I'm saying it because the first order of business is to let myself and others know that I recognize that I'm flawed, damaged, and in need of a tune-up.

I have a strong sense of pride and self worth but I'm not going to lie to anyone and act as if I got this all under control. I know that some will read this while cracking their hard boiled egg with a little knocker and cup, while drinking their OJ, sipping their Columbia blended coffee, beans they had flown in, while checking their stocks and bonds this morning and yell, "Darlingggg, Mr. Quijas is confessing to the social media world that he is fucked up!" Will yes it's true, I am. I had every reason or resource not to be here, but I am. I had every reason or circumstance happen to me, to be here. But don't count me out. I'm a fighter and have things going on but they're not happening as quickly as I'd like or hope but that's OK.

Let's put it this way, if I was a carpenter or builder, a ship builder, who always talked of creating the largest luxury ocean vessel ever and had one drink after another in both hands. Never a hammer, socket set or welder in my hands then after a year, maybe two, or ten you'd say, "You're full of shit you aren't building, you're just drinking." I haven't drank in a year or close to it. I'm no Aristotle Socrates Onassis, ship magnet, but I am doing. I did write two books, started Project 100 People, and created a program or service that pairs up dentists and oral surgeons with individuals in the community that need their teeth fixed to restore their confidence, courage and smile. All those things are a very slow process and they're starting to get to where they need to be but in the mean time I'm hurting.

I don't need to explain, but I am. I just do a lot of things that others don't do. One of the lines I hear, "There's no such thing as quick, easy money." I know that. What most people don't know is that I've been working on things, or work on things that take several years to get to market or unveiled. So if it doesn't look as if I'm doing what you do, I'm probably not. If there isn't any callused fingers or palms, they're not on my fingers but on my brain, that's where all the work takes place.