So I just turned 46. Plenty of time to do things in my life. A lot of time to accomplish what I want and what I dream. But there are a few things that are done and gone that I'll never get to do again.
Today would have been my 20th wedding anniversary. I was with my ex-wife, Tammie, on and off for nearly 30 years. Just kids when we started out. A confused and lost man when it ended.
I wasn't the best husband. It would be very easy to blame it on things such as youth, lack of knowledge, or childhood issues - but I can't. I was just a disrespectful, self-centered individual. Ugly characteristics I carried through much of my relationship. A relationship I'll never get to make right because its gone. We're friends today and all I can ask or hope for is that I'm a better friend to her than I was a mate.
Realistically or probably, I'll get or could get married again. The next attempt I will be a better love. The next time I will be more respectable. I'll be like a gifted carpenter or cook who has one more time or chance to get it right. I will measure twice and cut once. Concentrate more on the written recipe then just eyeing or winging it.
I would have been a better father too. Because any man who treats his wife bad also treats his kids bad. It's my belief that any discomfort you bring into the home falls on everyone in that home. If you're oblivious or ignorant to your actions, then maybe you can go with the insanity defense, but I was neither. Just a man who should buttoned up his lip, who should have picked his battles more carefully, and who should've worn a giant wrist watch, with a loud alarm, to know when it was time to go home.
I hope my kids and Tammie realize that I love them and did the best I could with what I had. Unfortunately I was a novice who just didn't get it right. Running a family, and loving your family, is the most important job anyone will ever have. Make it count and make it right. Just my thoughts.
