I made it through the scare of losing Kaylee to leukemia. A roller coaster ride that lasted years. But just as that nightmare ended, another one started. My son Landen, a beautiful and healthy 20 yr. old boy, was killed while riding his skateboard in San Marcos, CA. The death, delivered by a hit and run driver, has left me lost and devastated. My head hasn't been right and my heart hurts beyond words. I'm damaged. I know you're suppose to grieve and come to terms with situations but I feel like I am sick. The illness that struck Kaylee combined with the loss of Landen has left me drained. It has sunk me so far into depression that I pray each night for the strength to make it through the next day. I have no one to talk because I feel like no one understands. I find it hard to go to sleep because I don't want to wake up or face the next day. I haven't received any professional help, which I need badly, because it's a service I can't afford at the moment. My family is also suffering. They know something isn't right with dad.
I'm so disappointed with myself because I feel I've let so many people down. I spent so many years trying to help others and do kind things but now I can't even help myself. So many things have turned bad. I have always taken care of my family but I have fallen down and I haven't been able to pick myself up. Financially I have went belly-up. My drive and ambition disappeared January 13, 2012. The day Landen was pulled from life support.
Sometimes I think how bad things were when we spent nearly two years in the hospital with Kaylee. I try to find strength in those sad days. Days we sat there not knowing what was going to happen next. Days we would have given anything to have our little girl's health back. But it's hard to compare because I have to deal with the fact that my boy is dead. A young man who had a whole life ahead of him. I sometimes wish I was with him because I don't want him to be alone.
Sadness, sadness from heartbreak and loss, physically hurts. My heart beats but it feels broken. I had so many things I needed to say to him. I wanted to watch him surf. I wanted to watch him get married. I wanted to see him become a man. A great man. Those things will never come now and it hurts. So many people say he's in a better place but that doesn't always help. It's something you say because there isn't anything else to say.
Kaylee had a shoulder replacement last week. She's been in bed recuperating. She's been sleeping propped up with a shoulder sling that looks so uncomfortable. The doctors predict she may need the other shoulder replaced sometime as well as her knees. There's also talk of her ankles needing a fuse job. Unbelievable. She just turned 20 yrs. old and she's having work done that an unlucky 80 yr. old would have. The prolong chemo and steroid use has devastated her little body. A tough thing to watch. But I begged God to leave her here, and he did, so I can't be too sad or mad. It's the hand we've been dealt.
You never know what life is going to give you. Some say that God only gives the strong the big loads. If that's true, I need to get a message to him soon so I can let him know that my legs are weak and my back is hurt and I can't take another load. It's funny how you can go through life and feel invincible until something hits you hard. I do believe there is something behind all this but I just haven't figured it out yet. I guess its what I do with it and how I come out of it.
