Kaylee's Future...

I am watching a show on Bio.TV . It is a bio of terminal patients and their last days. Heavy. Something I probably shouldn't be watching, but something caught my eye and ear. As I watched, it made me realize something. I am going through something with my daughter that is filled with a range of emotion. Everyone knows that. But having it deal with the most precious thing in my life is like a doctor coming in to tell me I have a terminal diagnosis. We are not battling a terminal disease, as a matter of fact we have the best curability rate for leukemia, but it is a torturous battle. Physically for my child, and mentally for me. The fact that it hit Kaylee is more devastating then if it hit me.

It's not the fact that we are sick, it's the fact that we got sick. When we got sick it made me love more. It made me appreciate relationships. It made me yearn for the future. It made me notice my family and your family too. It made me re-evaluate the priorities in my life. It made me cautious of regret. It made me examine my past. It made question my legacy. It made me want to protect, defend, and shield my family from the hurt and pain. I want to love more than I ever have.

So I question myself and my reaction to the news, the fight, and the emotion. I can't find the map of how you're suppose to react. I'm there for Kaylee, I'm not weak or falling down when I'm around Kay but my heart hurts watching this child suffer. Again, I would collapse at a strangers hurt, but our hurt is multiplied. It is my kid. My future. My baby girl, my motivation. My life. So it becomes confusing when you see your kid fighting this battle. Us next to her, but her having to find the strength because I can't do it for her. I've spent a life time being physically tough but I'm not pretending to be tough any more. I have hurt and I'm writing. Thank God I didn't choose to sing this sorrow out!

If you're reading this and I depress you, I'm sorry. I have to write as I sit for hours in the hospital. I write when I lay by myself at the end of the night, and I write when I can't sleep in the middle of the night. Well that answers the question about my never ending novel. I've got a lot in here that I need to release and document for the future. Kaylee's future.