Just a Thought: February 2018

I'm sharing from the archive of writings. I was searching for words to describe how I was feeling today while moving. Then I remembered that I had already wrote how I felt years ago. So I searched and found these here entries. Hope you get the jist of my emotions moving from here forward.

10/02/12
All Aboard...
Like a thirsty man in the desert, searching for water, I am searching for relief through writing. This morning I feel better. It could be because it's my son's birthday and all the reason to celebrate. I don't feel so hopeless today for some reason. For the last several months I couldn't see past the fog. I know there's a lot of people around me who've thought to themselves "enough already"and I agree. But sometimes it takes time to get back on your feet when you've been knocked down.

My brain is starting to work again. I have to tell you, my head just couldn't think right for months or maybe years. I couldn't figure out what I was suppose to do. All these things kept happening to me and my family and I couldn't sort or find reason for them. I guess there's somethings in life that you have to take and not analyze. No rhyme or reason to them, just fate. But whatever the case you have to play the hand you've been dealt.

It's amazing what can happen to someone when they're scared. Your confidence leaves, you second guess everything, and you look for reassurance in all that you do. I have learned that I need to do what I do and do it with confidence. Don't look for approval from others and or guidance because if it doesn't come you will collapse and falter or not make a move at all. You start to fear failure.

I am an entrepreneur. I create things. I design and create commerce out of ideas. If that goes then I go. Most people don't think like an entrepreneur. They may have ideas but they don't put them into action because they are too dependent on working for someone else or they can't afford to follow an idea into fruition because it isn't the norm. I may have crazy ideas or business plans but it's those crazy ideas that can produce a living and it's those ideas that recruits others who are looking to make a living for their families. This time around, I am going to concentrate on making money on one thing at a time. In years past, I would have several things going at once which resulted in me becoming "a jack of all trades and a master of none".

I do feel like my creative juices are coming back. Years ago I wrote in a blog "as long as I have confidence in myself and the path I'm traveling then I'm going to be fine. If I should lose that, then others should start to worry". The entry was regarding my family who couldn't see the vision for InAd TV. TVs in restrooms? Over urinals and in mirrors? Playing commercials? Making money off paying customers by way of a CPU that runs 24/7? That can be remotely accessed via a WiFi connection? Huh? Well it was crazy but it made us a living.

I wish people could see my vision for my new mannequins. But again I won't wait for approval like I've been doing. If I do it will never come. I will push forward and make my own road. I will pursue my dreams and find a way to feed my family and dig us out of this hole. I feel like a glimmer of hope and confidence is starting to resurface. I need to get back what I have lost. Although there are things that will be gone forever I need to take care of the things that I can salvage and move on from here. I need to be the Captain. And Like a Captain, I need to steer my vessel with confidence. No one wants to get on a plane, train, or automobile if the driver isn't capable, confident, or competent. All aboard!

07/17/2008
A couple of months ago I gave a speech at CMSU for young entrepreneurs. I kept referring to my experience as a bus ride. You head out on your journey, your ride, and you have all sorts of people come along for the ride. Some people get off during the cruise and others stay on. There's some that matter more than others. But eventually everyone leaves.

If trying to make something out of nothing isn't hard enough, throw in emotional attachments that dissolve. It hurts. Well it has happened again. My right hand man, Ken, had to go. The direction my company has been going isn't or hasn't been right. I had to make a decision, a tough decision to go a different direction. It's like a relationship ending. The bus has pulled over and another passenger has to go.

Ken was such an important part of my business and important part of my family. He made sure that my business kept running while my daughter fought her sickness. He made it to appointments when I wasn't able to. He was the boss and I'm thankful. Unfortunately things run their course and change has to be made. My dreams are exactly that, my dreams. I have suffered for this dream, sacrificed for this dream, and have committed myself to this dream. I have to steer the course.

So I guess what I'm saying is that life is like a bus. People come and people go. Some stay longer then others but the majority all leave sooner or later. Everyone has a journey, or a road to take. The bottom line is that this is my bus - my life - and it has to make it down the road. The tires have to be aired, the engine has to be oiled, and the vehicle has to be fueled. Your destination is yours and you have to get to where you need to be internally, spiritually, and physically. I can not afford to get too attached to any outside influences or people that might slow me. I have to keep on keeping on. I enjoy company and welcome companionship but eventually everyone disappears. The one constant is me, my bus, and my map.

https://youtu.be/0yW7w8F2TVA
You could have been short and fat, tall and skinny, or ugly and bald it didn't matter to me the first night we met, I fell in love with you and that was it. We may have blown through resources, family and friends but as long as I had you my heart was happy and contempt. Although we may have struggled a bit I knew that I loved you and we'd make it, the moment we met.

Worries, struggles and fights are part of life but I knew we'd make it - that night we met. I promised to protect you and to guide us through the thick and thin but what I didn't know that night we met, was that my heart had never been open to the love that you set. It was like sushine and warm days, star filled nights after the night we met.

If I was to ever run and leave during times of regret I knew I'd have you to grab on to if things didn't seem fit, I knew that, the moment we met. As long as I had you I could fight anything or anyone because you loved me like no other had, it all started that night we met. My love is powerful and my presence is strong, but please don't go through another day, alone, holding onto your regret. Let me love you like that night that we met. We only have one shot in this life, and let's hold true like we said, the night that we met. I still love you...more than the night that we met.
Q...for You.
PS - I have a new plan Stan.